Communion Whine

"Will you never learn?"

This is a question that I have been asking myself nearly all of my life but never more so than over the past eleven years.  The answer, I'm afraid, is a resounding, "no."  If it were anything else, all that would be left to write about are the silly things that my wife and I do and say.  That, however, is an entirely separate, equally nutty and far lengthier blog.  We'll talk about that later.

You have heard me talk before about my age in Parenting Years.  I am twenty-two.  In that amount of time, it is easy to get the feeling that you have heard just about everything.  Even if you are talented enough to recognize this delusion for what it is, you would certainly be easily persuaded that there is nothing more your children could do or say that would surprise you.  You would be wrong on both counts.

Case in point: Christmas Eve 2011

It all started when we piled into the van and headed off toward church.  Two blocks from the house I heard Justin say,

"Don't put that on your tongue, Ethan.  It's disgusting.  It looks like a real eyeball."

That was my oldest son, whose primary focus in life centers around trying to disgust people.  Right away I wondered what could be going on.  Another two blocks.  Now Ethan was turning the light on and off attempting to find the mystery object that had dislodged from his tongue and disappeared into the folds of the seat cushion beside him.

"Oh no, I lost it.  Grandma's going to be mad."

"There are a hundred more back at the house," Justin assured him.

Now I had to know.

"Lost what, Ethan?" I inquired, desperately searching for an answer before it was uttered.

"A plastic grape," came the reply.

Hmm.  I did not see that coming.  Suffice it to say, I don't think Grandma will want it back even if you do happen to locate it's slobbery whereabouts.  Let's just turn the remaining bunch over in the fruit bowl when we get home and hope that she will not notice that one is missing.  There was only one, right?

Looking back on it all, I find it odd that any portion of my life surprises me.  It's difficult and complex.  It's a noise-filled, sticky, just-sat-on-someone's-half-eaten-lolly-pop roller coaster ride and someone just threw up on my shoe.  But it's my life and I love it...even if I do, occasionally, want to lay myself across the tracks.

On some level, tonight was as unpredictable as ever and there was no way to foresee any of the events, even as they unfolded.  On another level, none of it surprised me.  Keep in mind that we hadn't even arrived at church yet, let alone gained entry.  Before we had even mounted the steps, there came forth the following sentences from my lips.

• "Please do not continue to defile Grandma's fake fruit arrangements."
• "Please take your hand out of your pants before we go into the church and, next time, make sure your underwear is on correctly before we leave the house."
• "Yes, yes, I heard you but no more bazooka talk."

Once we were safely ensconced within the church...

• "No, you can't go now, you'll have to hold it.  We're about to go up for Communion.  Also, stop doing that dance, people are trying to pray."

Now I'm going to pray.  This evening is not over and I can only imagine what lies in wait for me at home.

- 24 December 2011