Hell Bug

Something just bit Justin’s arm while he was standing in the kitchen.  He didn’t see what it was before he flicked it off, but shortly thereafter the bite began to hurt like having a shot.  There was much complaining and exclaiming.  Once we decided there was no need for a trip to the hospital, he left the room, muttering something about an “Amazonian Hell Bug.”

It was funny until I realized that he flicked it off his arm in the house.  I always look forward to further encounters with the hell bug.

- 9 May 2020

Mirror Mirror

Lamenting about the possible boring quality of the movie Mirror, Mirror.

"All castle-based movies have British people in them."

A. Britain has a lot of castles so, duh.
B. What the hell does that have to do with anything?

- 11 July 2012

Caller IDea

The boys are always trying to do things what they consider the easy way.  In actuality, it's the hard way and it's just plain irritating. 

They cannot seem to be bothered to converse with us while we’re in the house so they wait until we’re running errands or in the middle of something important.  

Justin called my wife while we were at the store.  He obviously didn’t like the answers she gave him because he immediately called me and said that, "mom was being kind of mean."  He asked us both if we were at home.  Now, keep in mind that he was calling from within our house.  Each of us replied by telling him that he should get off the couch, go upstairs and check and if he didn't find us, then...no!

- 9 October 2011

1-2-3-4-5

ONE new teenage driver fender-bender. 

TWO parents down for the count with back surgery and pneumonia. 

THREE kids surprising Mom and Dad by stepping it up and getting stuff done. 

FOUR hours spent in urgent care wearing the “mask of shame.” 

FIVE people in our family who are really happy Grandma's taking care of us right now!

- 26 December 2016

Thirty, Maybe?

After learning of his younger brother’s accident. 

“WTF, Ethan?!  How fast were you going?” Justin demanded from across the kitchen. 

“Thirty, maybe,” Ethan said, shrugging his shoulders. 

“Holy sh**, that’s a school zone!  What were you thinking?”

My wife and I, who were watching with great interest, exchanged surprised glances.  Justin, who was himself a teenager, was upset with Ethan for speeding in a school zone?  Something was up.  But, before Ethan could draw breath...

“You weren’t going 30!” Justin exclaimed.  “The only person that’s allowed to go 30 in a school zone is me!”

Ah, there it is. 

You probably can't tell, but the car is only resting on two wheels.

- 9 October 2019

I Knew It

Justin is the kind of kid that would not volunteer voluntarily.  There has to be that what’s-in-it-for-me element like a requirement for Boy Scouts or extra credit for a class.  That’s why this whole thing was suspicious.  

Justin went willingly, and of his own accord, to an evening concert at his middle school.  A concert that he had nothing to do with.  No horse in this race.  Now, I’m all for cultural improvement but how many 12-year-olds do you know that have nothing better to be doing on a Tuesday night than going to a middle school music concert unless they are performing?

That’s right, none.  Something is up. 

He left an hour early so that he could help set up the bleachers.  He remained for the sixth-grade band concert in which his friend Winston was playing.  

Hmm, maybe. 

He even helped tune the instruments of the fifth grade orchestra.  But, that’s such an awful endeavor, I knew that couldn’t be it.  And, as if that weren’t enough, he stayed afterwards to help tear everything down. 

Those are almost good reasons, but not quite.

I smell a rat.  Something was up and there was only one possible explanation.  There must be a girl involved...

...so I confronted him about it when I went to pick him up. Ah-ha!  I knew it!  Her name is Ellie.  She has blond hair.

That’s all I could find out. 

"Actually, Dad, it's closer to white."

Oh, sorry.

- 4 December 2012

Awkward

Working from home...sitting at the dining room table.  Justin noisily bursts through the back door arguing with someone.  As he came through the kitchen, he caught sight of me and immediately trailed off.  

“Oh, you’re here,” he said, sheepishly. 

“Yeah, didn’t you see my car?” I asked. 

“No, I just pulled up and was gonna come in yelling and screaming and talking to myself like I always do...” again, he trailed off. 

He threw me a nervous glance.  I raised my eyebrows. 

“I’m just gonna say ‘hello’ to the dog and then go,” he said, looking away. 

“Okay, well it was good to see you,” I said, trying to sound casual. 

“Yeah, it was good to see you too,” he replied, not meeting my eyes. 

- 4 September 2018

Happy 18th Birthday

Blue’s Crate

My wife and needed to leave on a few Saturday morning errands.  Justin was asleep, Ethan was gone and Logan was nowhere to be found.  So, we decided to crate the dog for a little bit while we stepped out.  We figured that he’d whine for a minute and maybe even bark but then settle down.  After all, this would be good practice for once school started again. 

Ah, the best laid plans. 

When we returned from our excursion and walked in the back door, Justin was standing in the kitchen.  He was beside himself.  A look of manic rage adorned his face.  It was obvious that he had been woken up and not in a good way. 

“Blue was in his crate and Ethan let him out and got him all riled up, then he left and Blue peed everywhere.  What did you tell Ethan anyway?” he shouted. 

“I didn’t know Ethan was here so I didn’t tell him anything,” I replied, calmly. 

Justin looked crest fallen. 

“Oh, well, that’s too bad, I really want to be angry with him right now!”

- 28 July 2018

Dear YMCA

Oh, Y. 

     How close we’ve become. 

You know me because of my three indefatigable boys. 

     You see me through umpteen activities,

          Untold hours of watching and waiting,

               Countless pep talks and endless encouragement. 

Keeper of pools and rock climbing walls. 

     Teacher of swimming lessons and printing in 3D. 

          Basketball, volleyball, racquet ball and karate.

     Ping pong, pool, foosball and air hockey. 

          Chess, Legos, Play Station and Wii. 

Your choices are endless and so is your din. 

     You and I can never share a quiet moment. 

Do you ever miss me?

     Of course not, I’m here every day. 

I tried to exercise once but it was no use. 

     They always find you. 

- 7 March 2018

The World at Age Three

My wife keeps the news on in the morning while she gets ready for work.  Usually, Justin is busy elsewhere.  This morning, however, he was sitting on our bed watching along with her.  He was uncharacteristicly quiet and appeared to be concentrating hard. 

“I think the world hates John Kerry,” he commented. 

I don’t...what?  If you say so.  What channel are you watching anyway?

- 8 October 2004

How to Read the Room

My wife is an elementary school teacher.  We pride ourselves on limiting screen time and not using television as a babysitter.  Television is a privilege reserved for the weekends but even Justin, at five, knew that his almost three-year-old little brother was about to come unglued.  Who knows what was wrong, it was probably because it was a day that ended in “y”.  I’m not even sure how Justin knew what was coming but there was no beating around the bush.  Justin had obviously been through this before so he graciously gave his permission to break the rules. 

“Mom, go ahead and turn on SpongeBob so the kid won't freak out.”

- 20 March 2006

Who Let You Drive?

Teaching your son to drive is kind of fun.  I’m kidding, it’s not.  Suddenly, he’s in charge of a two ton hunk of metal with nothing in between you and that telephone pole but the sense that was given to a flea.  There’s a lot of screaming and crying and bargaining with God.  You try to teach them to be good, safe, patient drivers that employ sense and the brake pedal.  You try, but then you get questions like this. 

“How long can you honk your horn?” Justin asked. 

An ominous question to say the least.

“Until the battery runs out,” I said, knowing that I didn’t want to hear what was coming next, although I suspected that I already knew. 

“Good because I haven’t found an end to it,” he said, with apparent disgust, undoubtedly because he could recall not applying enough horn to someone who clearly deserved it. 

I was right.  Now I remember why I don’t want to ride in the truck with him.  I’m afraid someone will recognize me.  I have half a mind to disconnect the damn thing. 

- 28 January 2018

Corn Maze

Justin had been asking, nay begging, for years to go to the scary corn maze.  You know, the after hours event where masked men with chain saws burst out of the corn and chase you into the night.  Yeah, that one.  He was almost 13 so this year we agreed.  Justin was very excited and went with his buddies.  He'll tell you that he just wanted to "hang" with all of his friends but I think it's because, the more of them there were, the less likely he would end up as bait while everyone else ran away to soil themselves.

Instead of dropping them off to be picked up later, I decided to hang around for the fun, so found a seat around the bonfire, whipped out my phone and settled in to listen to the screaming.  I don't know how long he was in there or what I did the whole time I was waiting.  All I know is that there are a lot of new apps on my phone.

When Justin finally emerged, I eagerly awaited to hear how it went.  He passed off the whole experience as "no big deal."  Yeah, right.  My best friend, Jeff, was working in the corn maze and I'll bet he had a different story to tell.

Having helped Jeff with construction and preparations that year, I knew that at one point during the maze, you must pass through an old farm outbuilding.  According to Jeff, when Justin passed by, he leaped out of the ceiling and scared the liver out of Justin, then wouldn't let him pass.  Justin would never admit to it but I'll bet he peed a little. 

That was better than Christmas.

I suppose it didn't help the I sent Jeff a text letting him know that Justin had entered the maze.

- 18 October 2013

Hallway of Doom

Sitting in the living room, I could just see Logan running up and down the dark hallway with his hands over his head, using his very best "ghost" voice.

"Hallway of doom!" he kept moaning.

Justin looked at me and said, out of the corner of his mouth,

"That is a noisy hallway."

- 26 October 2012

Obsolescence

Worried about obsolescence?  It's not just for electronics anymore.  I read a recent article about how quickly electronics become obsolete and I'm pretty sure that by the time I was done, all of my various gadgets were past their prime.

But what about me, as a husband or a father?  How long before they roll out the newer model and I become yesterday's news?  Too late.

Justin sat on the patio, fiddling with my iPod.  He was shocked to discover that it contained a small number of games.  Many were the snide remarks about how there must be some mistake since I am clearly too old to play games and that 90% of my music had no lyrics.  I started to protest in defense of the contents.

"I listen to it at work...and not in my free time...'cause I don't have any," I began.

"What?  I can't hear you over your oldness," he shouted.

- 4 July 2012

Wilson

"Mom, who is Wilson?" Justin asked.

Indeed, we were all wondering the same thing.  Who and/or what is Wilson?  This question came about not because we've drawn a face on the family's volleyball but because Logan, who is three, has been going around the house calling for Wilson.

As I came to find out, Wilson is a ghost...that Logan found in the dark...that he encourages to scare his older brother, Ethan.  I don't know if that is sad or funny.  Maybe it is a little of both.

So far as I can tell, Wilson has not made a satisfactory employee.  This afternoon (12/04/2011) Logan kept asking Wilson if he had scared Ethan yet and then kept asking him "why not?!"

- 27 November 2011

Silent Treatment

Undoubtedly, you are well aware that the distractions and interruptions in my life are constant and varied.  As a result, I frequently miss entire conversations despite my seeming participation.  For example, my wife just told me this story which certainly answers a couple of questions I had about the family reunion.

At the reunion this summer, the boys shanghaied my mother-in-law's phone.  They set one of the alarms.  She was up every night at midnight hunting the house over because she thought is was the fire alarm.

On a recent trip to Pullman, the boys hijacked their grandmother's phone, again.  They silenced the ringer and, for more than a month, she couldn't figure out why people were leaving messages but not calling.

- 12 October 2012

Time to Iron Your Birthday Suit

When we started out on our walk that morning I never imagined there would wind up being the potential for a conversation about the birds and the bees.  Justin was 11 and the two of us were in the habit of getting up early, before the rest of the family, and going for walks around the neighborhood.  We had a regular route that took us on a mile long loop.  For the most part, the walk was solitary except for an occasional jogger or early morning dog walker.

This morning, however, was different.  Rounding the last corner, on the final leg of our journey, we passed a row of houses, lining a creek opposite a thicket of forest.  It was 5:30 a.m. and the sky was still completely black.  Clearly, these residents were used to seclusion and many, if not most, left the blinds open allowing passersby to have an unimpeded view of every aspect of their home lives.

There, in the window of the nearest house, was a woman walking around.  All at one we had a deer-in-the-headlights moment and both of us suddenly stopped.  She was completely and utterly, totally naked.  Granted, this was her house and she had every right to do as she pleased but this woman was not exactly a super model.  Justin's mouth dropped open and I stood there blinking as she paraded around in the living room and into the kitchen for a glass of water.

Just then, it dawned on me that we had stopped in the middle of the dark street, so I picked up Justin's jaw off the ground and we quickly moved along.

"Oh, my gosh!  How will I survive?" he exclaimed, shaking his head as we walked towards home in silent disbelief.

You?  You're still young.  Meanwhile, I will never be able to go to another block party.

- 29 March 2012

Genealogical Research

Justin and his friend, Winston, are two very clever 11-year-old young men.  On this particular summer afternoon, they had no interest whatsoever in exercise and fresh air but seeking instead, the status of Ultimate Couch Potato.  Unfortunately, while they may be clever, they are not very stealth.

“Can you put in the code for the TV?” Justin asked.

We had activated the V-chip so as to get a handle on their screen time.

“No,” I said.

“Can you put in the code for the Wii?” he asked.

“No,” I repeated.

It's a beautiful afternoon, go outside and play.

“What's your mother's maiden name?” he asked, innocently.

“Nice try,” I replied, knowing that they wanted to bypass the security question and reset one of the passwords that I refused to part with.

“Can we go to the library?” he inquired.

“Yes!” I said, enthusiastically.

Finally, a decent suggestion.  Wait a second...

“You know what they're going there to do?” Ethan casually asked me, from his place on the couch.

You mean they're not going to innocently read books?

“No,” I admitted.

Apparently, their plan was to use a computer to visit ancestry.com.  They wanted to research my wife's mother's maiden name because that's the security question in case you forget the Wii password.

Try using your powers for good instead of evil.

- July 2012