Flights to Ecuador

What would you think if one of your child's second grade teachers called your son directly, at school, while he was on vacation with his family?

 

Welcome to my little corner of paradise.  Mr. Parsons, P. E. teacher at the elementary school that my sons attended, called from the airport in California, while waiting for his connecting flight to E-C-U-A-D-O-R.  He called Ethan, in class, to make sure he wasn’t terrorizing the sub.

What does it say that this man was traveling to Ecuador on vacation with his family and, when he stopped to catch a connecting flight, he thought of my son.

 

Little did I know that this was an omen of things to come.

- 15 December 2011

1-2-3-4-5

ONE new teenage driver fender-bender. 

TWO parents down for the count with back surgery and pneumonia. 

THREE kids surprising Mom and Dad by stepping it up and getting stuff done. 

FOUR hours spent in urgent care wearing the “mask of shame.” 

FIVE people in our family who are really happy Grandma's taking care of us right now!

- 26 December 2016

Thirty, Maybe?

After learning of his younger brother’s accident. 

“WTF, Ethan?!  How fast were you going?” Justin demanded from across the kitchen. 

“Thirty, maybe,” Ethan said, shrugging his shoulders. 

“Holy sh**, that’s a school zone!  What were you thinking?”

My wife and I, who were watching with great interest, exchanged surprised glances.  Justin, who was himself a teenager, was upset with Ethan for speeding in a school zone?  Something was up.  But, before Ethan could draw breath...

“You weren’t going 30!” Justin exclaimed.  “The only person that’s allowed to go 30 in a school zone is me!”

Ah, there it is. 

You probably can't tell, but the car is only resting on two wheels.

- 9 October 2019

You’re Welcome

Have you ever witnessed something that left you feeling stunned but you laughed anyway because it really was funny?

The biennial gathering for my wife’s family reunion was in full swing.  We had all convened in one family’s condo, our condo, to make dinner.  Everyone was visiting and making themselves at home.  No one felt more at ease than my five-year-old.  

My father-in-law, Matt, was relaxing on the couch in the living room when doom surreptitiously approached.  Ethan, as he is known to outsiders, slid silently up beside him and released the latch on the recliner where Matt was seated.  In a split second, the back of the chair disappeared out from underneath him and the footrest sprang up as Matt was propelled backwards with his feet flipped up into the air, over his head. 

The phrase ass-over-tea-kettle comes to mind.  

The spring on that chair was incredibly strong and it knocked the wind out of him as it nearly launched him into the next room.  The room was shrouded in a stunned (and amused) silence, except for Matt's struggling and gasping.

Ethan donned a look of complete satisfaction and before Matt could even come to his senses, he chimed, “You're welcome, Grandpa!” and trotted off down the hall. 

- June 2008

Stupid Freshman Tricks [Video]

"So, I think we had just got out of band practice and it was 7th period but English sucked at this point so I didn’t want to go.  So, me and Jorge were walking around and I finally decided that I had to go to get my homework but I thought it would be funny to come in soaking wet.  So, we walked into the gym locker room and I got under the shower and got soaked.  Then, I made my way to class and I made sure to come in wheezing and wiping my brow and I said, 'man, it's pretty hot out there' and the only people that seemed to care that I was wet were my friends who were laughing."

Do you mean to tell me that you went to all that trouble to show up at English soaking wet and nobody even noticed?  OUTRAGEOUS!

By the way, I love the part where you’re standing there, dripping wet and you discover your cellphone in your pocket.  Classic. 

- Spring 2018

Hot Lunch

Ethan’s take on lunch at school. 

“I’m kind of glad we’re done with hot lunch.  But I’m kind of not glad because there’re all those yummy hot dogs for little boys to eat like M-E.”

- 2 December 2008

Top Ramen

Here’s a little tip for the beginners.  If you’re going to cook Top Ramen in the microwave, be sure to add water because it will start a fire. 

- 29 March 2018

Even Cougars Can Like Purple

Any true Cougar will understand the gravity of this story. 

We are Cougars.  Washington State University Cougars.  We are all about the crimson and gray.  There simply aren't two ways about it.



This year, Christmas crackers were a part of our Christmas Eve dinner - a fun new tradition.  No, I’m actually serious.  Every package contained a prize, some jokes and a colorful paper crown.  Each family member eagerly donned their crown and a discussion began about favorite colors.

Ethan had received a purple crown.  It saddened us, inwardly, that this was currently his favorite color for it is also the color of the University of Washington Huskies, our bitter rivals.  As the conversation continued, the subject changed to what other things are purple.  Grandma suggested "Huskies" in hopes of getting him to change his mind about purple altogether.

"Good point, but still," he said, considering this fact.

"Maybe some day he will go to that school," Matt said, egging him on.

"Grandpa!  Stop swearing at the dinner table!" Ethan shouted.

That a boy!

- 24 December 2011

Dear YMCA

Oh, Y. 

     How close we’ve become. 

You know me because of my three indefatigable boys. 

     You see me through umpteen activities,

          Untold hours of watching and waiting,

               Countless pep talks and endless encouragement. 

Keeper of pools and rock climbing walls. 

     Teacher of swimming lessons and printing in 3D. 

          Basketball, volleyball, racquet ball and karate.

     Ping pong, pool, foosball and air hockey. 

          Chess, Legos, Play Station and Wii. 

Your choices are endless and so is your din. 

     You and I can never share a quiet moment. 

Do you ever miss me?

     Of course not, I’m here every day. 

I tried to exercise once but it was no use. 

     They always find you. 

- 7 March 2018

Dear Tooth Fairy

Dear Tooth Fairy,

I accidentally knocked [out] my little brother’s loose tooth and we think he swallowed it.  I hope you can use your magic to get it.  I’m very sorry. 

Love,

Ethan 

- 6 December 2014

The Meanest Guy

“You know how Ira is the meanest guy in town?”

No. 

“Well, he invites his-self over to my house and my mom lets him stay!”

That’s terrible, why didn’t you warn her?

“I'm like, come on, really?  He'll tear down the house!”

Wait a minute.  Since when is an eight-year-old boy concerned about tearing the house down?  Unless he’s part of the effort. 

- 29 October 2011

Photogenic

Teenagers.  I’m not much for selfies but since it was just Ethan and me at the Green Day concert I figured, why not?

 

 

I challenge you to find a teenage photo of Ethan when he’s not doing that.

- 1 August 2017

Substitute Teacher

As we sat at the dinner table sharing the day’s news, Logan began telling us a story about the guest teacher they had had in class that day. 

“Our guest teacher knew me and my friend by name,” Ethan commented, in a would be casual voice, not looking up from his plate, when Logan paused. 

“What class was this?” my wife asked.

“English,” Ethan replied. 

“Why?” she asked, with slight alarm.

Ethan was not forthcoming.  I rolled my eyes.  Freshman, I thought.

“I'll tell you why,” I said, cutting across the conversation.  “She probably warned the sub about them in her notes.”

Ethan looked extremely sheepish as he examined the dinner on his plate.  It turns out I was right.

“Later we were shouting across the room at each other and pretending we didn’t know how to read,” he added.

I still don’t understand why we haven’t received a phone call from the school yet.

- 8 January 2018

Good News

My wife teaches at the same elementary school that my sons attend which, by the way, is extremely handy.  Especially in the case of my third-grader, Ethan. 

One afternoon, Ashley called me at work to tell me something about Ethan.  My heart sank, as it usually did when I received these phone calls.  She had passed a cadre of third-graders lined up in the hall - all missing recess.  She was delighted to see that Ethan was not one of them for a change.  No doubt there was trouble brewing elsewhere but that was a different phone call for another time.

- Circa 2011

Near Death Experience

Our old truck was built the same year I graduated from high school.  It is safe to say that it has seen a thing or two.  So, it came as no surprise to me that, one afternoon, when Logan, Ethan and I were on our way to the hardware store, Logan spotted a spider...on the inside.

What did come as a surprise to me was the blood curdling scream.  Before I had time enough to steer back onto the road, I was thrown hard against the driver's-side door.  Thank goodness for my seatbelt and a sturdy door latch.  You see, the truck has a very tiny cab and we were already seated elbow-to-elbow when we came under attack.  Logan and Ethan were leaning so far to the left that I could barely steer, let alone investigate the arachnidian commencement of hostilities.

When we finally reached our destination, amid complaints that I was taking too long to park, the boys forced me out of the driver's-side door.  They nearly climbed over each other in a mad scramble to escape their assailant.  I walked around the truck and opened the passenger door to locate what turned out to be a fingernail-sized spider, which I removed and squashed.  Nothing less would have been acceptable to Chicken Little and his brother.

The weather was too cold or I'm certain they would have insisted on riding in the truck bed on the way home.

- 18 March 2012

The Mean One

At three, Ethan couldn’t be bothered to remember anybody’s real name.  Instead, he decided to associate people with their actions.

Case in point: Preschool had begun and, in order to make him feel better and make a smoother transition into school, we allowed one of his favorite Beanie Babies to accompany him. 

“Ethan, how was your first day of preschool?” my wife asked, when she went to pick him up.  “Did you make any friends?”

“The Mean One stole my turkey,” he replied.

It took us quite a while to get Ethan to stop referring to that kid as The Mean One.

- 25 August 2006

Bluescarries

Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is a G-rated movie.  Who knew that, to my five-year-old, it would also become a horror flick?

The four of us were at the family reunion on the Oregon coast.  Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory was on TV one night, so the kids all gathered around to watch, Justin and Ethan among them.  When the movie had ended, Ethan came to my wife looking stricken. 

He was terrified that he was beginning to expand and turn blue.  Apparently, the fate of Miss Violet Beauregarde was too much for him to handle.  Ethan continued, frequently, to ask us if he was turning blue.  Of course, Justin was only too delighted to tell Ethan that he was and to ask him if he was getting bigger each time it seemed as though he had forgotten to be worried. 

 

Big brothers are turds.

In order to get Ethan to sleep that night, Ashley had to dig up a pocket-sized mirror from her purse for him to take to bed so that he could wake up in the middle of the night and check to see if he was turning blue.  He kept asking us if his face was blue for the next couple of days.  At first it was funny.  Then it was sad.  I couldn't help but poke fun.

- 22 June 2008

Silent Treatment

Undoubtedly, you are well aware that the distractions and interruptions in my life are constant and varied.  As a result, I frequently miss entire conversations despite my seeming participation.  For example, my wife just told me this story which certainly answers a couple of questions I had about the family reunion.

At the reunion this summer, the boys shanghaied my mother-in-law's phone.  They set one of the alarms.  She was up every night at midnight hunting the house over because she thought is was the fire alarm.

On a recent trip to Pullman, the boys hijacked their grandmother's phone, again.  They silenced the ringer and, for more than a month, she couldn't figure out why people were leaving messages but not calling.

- 12 October 2012

The Well Organized Mind

Ashley was in the car with Ethan and George.  The boys were talking about grandfathers being in wars when, deep in the middle of the conversation, Ethan bursts out laughing.  Suddenly he starts talking about a Twinkie Car.  (Albeit funny, it’s doubtful that the Twinkie Car saw much action during the war!?)

“Dude, that's not even what we were talking about,” said George. 

Beam back to earth Ethan!

- 28 October 2011

Speaking Ethan

I just had a fascinating conversation with my nine-year-old, Ethan.  He told me all about sandstorm Sandy (aka hurricane Sandy).  We discussed the sticky thing in his pocket (I still don’t know what it was).  He asked questions about having ADHD.  There was a serious talk about cute babies being cute, and I believe there were also some monkeys involved.

- 13 November 2012