"Grandma, I don't want to hear another word about it."- 17 August 2003
"Oooooo, I see the fairest weasel."- 28 August 2012
"Dad, are you cooking this so long (too long)?" he asked me.
"No," I said. "It's okay."It was plain to see that he did not believe me and that this answer was less than adequate. Obviously, I had misunderstood the question. Get with it, Dad! Lives and property are at stake...or at least lunch is, and you are clearly not providing suitable levels of comfort with your crazy pacifying responses.
"But you'll cause a fire like I did," he insisted, "...'cause I cooked popcorn."Yes, the telephone call and the fire chief's voice are permanently burned into my memory. Believe me, I appreciate your concern. Let it be know that I have read the instructions and know how to avoid the Forever Button.
"The only way you can scratch yourself now, in my world, is with your teeth. It'll be really hard to scratch your back."As I sat in the next room, listening to Ethan expound this new decree, a retort immediately came to mind. While the thought took shape in my head, Justin instantly spoke it word for word.
"Or your butt," he said.- 26 August 2012
"I hope they didn't ruin my belly button," Ethan said. "That was my favorite part."Less than 24 hours after coming home from the hospital, he sounded mildly upset. The appendectomy was a success but now three bandages covered Ethan's torso. I knew that this had been a major source of concern, since the day of his surgery, worsened by the fact that he could not verify my reassurances while the evidence remained covered. The discharge papers read, "remove outer bandages on the second day," so we had to wait.
"How are your wounds doing?" I asked.
"Good," Ethan replied, pulling up his shirt to show me.
"See, Ethan? They didn't cut open your belly button so your favorite part is still in tact," I reminded him, trying to cheer him up as I could see that he was feeling the discomfort of this excursion.
"My second favorite, actually," he said.My brain jammed. Ashley threw me a look that said, "if he says what I think he's going to say, he's all yours." I could hear the distant sound of screaming. Somehow I managed to keep walking as I braced myself for the impact of the next words.
"My favorite part is my tongue."Oh. Wait, what?
"It's like a little pet."So many questions answered, all at once. So many more taking shape.
"Ethans's grossness is wanting to make me sick," he hollered from atop his bunk.Hey, Number Three! Pipe down and go to sleep - and Ethan, quit freaking him out with your stitches.
"Do you want to watch the movie?" I asked.
"What movie?" Logan wanted to know.
"Mirror Mirror," Ashley said. "It has Snow White in it."
"What else?" he demanded.
"Seven dwarfs." I replied.
"Does it have my Little Mermaid?" he asked.
"Let's just say we'll watch and see. We don't know because we haven't seen it either." Ashley said.
"Snow White...yuck. I read that book and it annoys me," he muttered.Ah, to be three again. Not a care in the world apart from nap time, snack time and the avoidance of annoying literary works.
"I have to go pee," Logan said.That's nice. Do I really need to be involved?
"Then go," I encouraged, noticing that he was just standing there grabbing his groceries.He danced off in the direction of the back door and I went back to setting the sprinkler. A few minutes later, he rounded the corner of the house having noticeable trouble hitching up his britches.
Dear Logan,
As you know, I have been a father for nearly twelve years. You, sir, are my third child and third son. I feel it only fair to remind you that, as I am a boy myself, there are very few things you can do that I have not already done myself. That being the case, I am usually at least one step ahead of you and, on the rare occasion that I am not, will more than likely figure out what is going on before you have a chance to cover it up - whatever it may be.
Sincerely, Dad
"Where did you go pee?" I asked, suspiciously, knowing that the front door was locked and the back door had not been opened.He immediately stopped rearranging his drawers and stood there starring at me. His stunned silence was very reassuring.
"In the grass," he said.
"Show me," I commanded.He nervously led me to the front yard where lay the unsuspecting patch of lawn and accompanying rose bush, having been marked like so much territory. And this family wonders why we don't have a dog - as if I needed one more thing to pee on the grass.
"And the best part is...it wasn't my fault this time!"Yes, Justin, that's the best part. Words only an older brother with a shady track record could utter. After stitches on Christmas Eve and a broken leg from some idiot tent pole game, Ethan finally managed to land himself in the hospital of his own accord. Now, would you please adopt an appropriate bedside manner before we get to his room or you're going to give him the wrong impression. I understand your giddy, guilt-free excitement, but get a grip!
"Hey, what's that sound?" Logan asked.
"Which sound?" I asked, attempting to clarify.
"The sound I hear," he answered, his reply containing the slightest edge.Oh, of course. Thank you for clearing that up. It was either the sound of my brain exploding or the sound of crazy. Does that help?
"Youch!"Here's a little piece of advice: When your son has had abdominal surgery, and you place him in the car in preparation to take him home from the hospital - don't fasten the seat belt across his lap!
"You're acting like an old man on Sunday. Pay attention."Justin!
"Do you want to hear my Scooby-Doo joke?" Logan asked.
"Sure," I said.There was an awkward dance accompanied by an averted gaze. The look on his face told me that he was expecting me to say, "No." I was getting the idea that this may not be an appropriate joke and a few important questions began to form in my mind. Note to self: have a little chat with the older boys when they get home.
"Did you hear my joke from the front yard?" he asked nervously.
"No. Should I have?" I inquired.
"Do I need to say it again a little louder?" he asked.
"Do you?" I wondered.
"I think I will tell you a different joke," he said.I think you will too.
"Look, Dad!" Logan shouted.He was running towards me with his hands full of something.
"It's just like pudding!" he exclaimed, with an excited grin splitting his face.Despite it being frantically waved in my face, I could see the object clearly. It was, in fact, a box of JELL-O pudding mix.
"Yes. It's exactly like pudding," I chuckled.
"Just don't waste time," he said. "I want it for dessert."Well, don't just stand there...start cooking dinner! Apparently, I'll be busy with dessert.
"Logan, don't pee off the deck."What Logan heard.
"Where is Chicago?" Justin asked.
"In Illinois, right in the middle of the country," I said, indicating the general east to west location.
"I thought Chicago was in California," he replied.Would you be kind enough to remind me of that when we get home? I would like to have a word with one of your teachers.
"Dad!" Logan screamed, "Sara sponda...rrr...rrr...map!"It was difficult to pinpoint the exact cause of distress through the crying.
"There, I got him," I announced.
"Is he dead?" Logan wanted to know.
"Yes," I said, triumphantly.
"And he's not going to come to life again?"Now, I know that this little devil was a little more athletic than I had expected, but do you often find that happening in this house? Because that would have been good information to have right up front.
"Logan, you know that song you sing that goes..." Ethan hummed a few bars, "can you sing that for ET?"
"I don't do that kind of stuff," Logan stated, matter-of-factly.
"Pleeease, Logan," Ethan begged.
"No, I can't. I don't sing anymore."This explains a great deal because I'm pretty sure what I heard was, "No, I won't because you asked me to, and, by the way, I don't cooperate anymore." I feel your pain, Ethan.
"Do you see what that sign says? It says, 'Explosions happen here...don't freak out!'"I promise not to freak out but I cannot speak for those poor doggies.
"Tomorrow, can we go to the bouncy castle? They open at six a quarter to seven-o-nine. So we should go there. Okay?"Yes. I'll be sure to set my alarm for thirteen o'clock.
"Dad, I'm trying to pull my tongue out," he said, grabbing it with both hands and pulling as hard as he could.
"Why are you doing that, again?" I wanted to know.It wasn't that I wanted to know as much as I thought it would be an important piece of information to provide to the ER attendant.
"Cause I want to see if my tongue is still orange."You know, I'm really glad I saw you eat that entire box of orange Tic Tacs - it will save me the trouble of calling the men in white coats. By the way - remind me to tell you all about mirrors.
"My babysitter was really nice," Logan said, as he bounded down the stairs and into our room at six o'clock this morning. "Every kid in the city likes her."I told you she didn't want to fatten you up and pop you into her oven.
"Is my babysitter nice to children?" Logan asked nervously as he trailed along behind me. "I'll behave," he added.- 4 August 2012
"You should try some. It's really good."Oh boy, if I had a nickel.
"It will make you have..." he trailed off.There was a pause, during which I couldn't decide whether or not I hoped he would say, "a party in your mouth."
"...a fun time in your head," he finished.I tried not to guffaw.
"That must be really good," I agreed, although I still didn't know what we were talking about.
"Ya," he said, "and you will be able to turn the whole world into a rainbow!"Wow. Part of me wishes that I had been paying more attention. The other part of me is wondering whether or not the house would be instantly clean and my chores would be done if the whole world were, in fact, a rainbow.
"Logan, have you seen the cat?" Ashley asked.
"Yes," he said. A mischievous grin had appeared on his face which bordered on evil.
"Have you been torturing him again?" she inquired.
"I scared him with my blankies and rode him like a horsey. Now he's under your bed."Finally I understand. The cat urinates on everything because we have literally scared the pee out of him. It has nothing to do with revenge.
"Trim your scratches. I like you smooth," Logan said, gingerly caressing my week-long beard.Good grief, you sound just like your mother.