Retrace Your Steps

"Dad, at Joyce's house I stepped in dog poop."

Logan stood in the bathroom preparing for his bath.

"You did?" I asked.

"Yeah."

"Did Joyce help you clean it off your shoe?" I asked.

"No.  It was on my sock," he said, giving them a close examination.

Oh?  Which socks would those be?  Would they be the ones you've been running around the house in all evening?   The ones you were wearing while you were playing on your bed and dancing on the living room furniture and standing in a basket of clean laundry?  Are those the socks we're talking about?

"Dad, if you wash them they will be clean," he told me as he dashed off to the hamper.

Well, thanks for the tip and hooray for the socks!  Meanwhile, just don't sit on the couch.

- 29 November 2012

Batman Versus Skeletor

"Dad, can I watch TV?"

Batman had just shown up with his "cell phone" to make inquiries.

"No," I told him.

"If you don't let me, I'm going to call mom," he said, waving his phone in my direction.

"Why?" I asked.

"To ask her if I can watch TV," he said.

Duh.  Evidently, he had predicted my response and had come prepared.

"Mom," Logan said, into his phone, "Dad's being a Skeletor."

The emphasis on the last word and the dirty look he shot me were meant to reinforce the fact that he had just called me a mean, old, bad guy.

"You should say, 'you can watch TV.'" he continued, in his deepest voice, attempting to mimic Ashley.

He snapped the phone shut and grabbed the remote control from the counter top.

"See?  She said I could."

Is that so?  Well, if it's that easy, I'd like to borrow that magic phone for a minute so I can ask for a raise and an extra week of vacation.

- 29 November 2012

It's a Draw

"Hey, Dad, come back here," Justin said, chasing me up the stairs.  "I'm trying to pants you."

Oh, I'm sorry.  Here, let me stand still.

There was a tugging at my legs followed by an audible expression of disappointment and continued, aggressive attempts to de-pants my person.

Dude, I have sons.  As far as you know, I don't own a single pair of pants or shorts that doesn't have a belt or drawstring...since the day you were born.

- 22 November 2012

Progress

As I passed through the kitchen...

"...and Justin, I need you to read at least one chapter in your book tonight," Ashley said.

"Yes, Mom."

Young man, how dare you speak to your mother that way!  You come back here!  Why, I ought to rinse your mouth...

Hold on a second.

Could you repeat that please?  Just speak slowly and clearly...and into this microphone.

- 18 November 2012

Listen, Do You Smell Something?

"Dad, this cheese tastes smelly.  I can't eat it," he said, handing it back to me.

Logan, would this be the cheese that you talked about all morning, asked me about every five minutes since the end of breakfast and begged and pleaded for?  Would this be the very same cheese that was the crux of your lunchtime plan, without which you would be unable to eat your meal?  That cheese?

Have a seat and chow down, buster.  Oh, and here's a clothespin for your nose.

- 17 November 2012

Prerequisites

"Youth group is scary," Justin piped up on the ride home.

"How so?" I wanted to know.

"It's just scary," Justin said, squirming and shrugging his shoulders.

I could tell he didn't want to start, have or finish this conversation.

"Scary, uncomfortable or scary..." I trailed off, not being certain what I had planned to say next.

"Just some of the things we talk about," he replied.

Oh?  Interesting.  And by interesting I mean, tell me everything...right now!

"Like what?" I said, trying to sound calm.

I was starting to worry.

"Heaven."

Admittedly, I had not seen that coming.  I opened my mouth to speak but closed it again when no words presented themselves.

"Heaven?" I stammered.

"Yeah.  It just sounds like you have to do so much to get in."

Oh, wow.

- 15 November 2012

Mixed Emotions

"I have to go poop...and I love you."

Aww...and eww.

- 15 November 2012

Tastes Like Chicken

"Ew! Your knee tastes gross," Justin exclaimed.

His facial expression betrayed mingled disgust and intrigue.

As it happens, I have a solution for that...and it's not ketchup!

- 10 November 2012

Student of the Quarter

Well done, Justin!

- 9 November 2012

Crafty

Dear Tooth Fairy,

My tooth is in my parent's room on the red flower mat on the (turn over when done) dresser.

Love,

Ethan

Luckily, the Tooth Fairy, being the crafty little devil that he is, found this note under Ethan's bed before it was too late.  We're going to end the story here and completely ignore the explanation as to what I was doing under his bed in the middle of the night in the first place...or how I had completely missed the bloody, calcareous object lying in plain view on my dresser.

- 6 November 2012

Who's In Charge?

Recently, we paid a visit to my in-laws in Pullman.  On this particular trip we were not their only house guests.  Staying along with us were very close friends of the family.  They, being grandparents themselves, were delighted by the boys, and Logan, in particular.

When Sunday arrived and it was time to clean up and head home, Betty decided to pitch in and help Logan clean up his games.  That is to say, Logan decided to watch as Betty cleaned up his games.  Consequently, it gave me no end of grief when she, having disappeared into the basement with an armload of toys only to return minutes later and announce that three cherries were missing from Hi-Ho Cherri-O, was greeted with this reply.

"So what?  I don't care.  I'm not in charge of them."

As difficult as it is to render me speechless, I assure you that I will find the right words when I get my hands on that boy's father - whose direct influence can be blamed for that response.

- 13 October 2012

Told You

I don't care how many of your friends have seen it.  I told you not to watch Paranormal Activity.

- 5 November 2012

Busy

"Da-ad.  Logan spi-lled," Justin announced from the next room, with an air of complete indifference.

Of course he did.

My first thought was, "Clean up on aisle three."  I chuckled but did not respond and continued with my endeavor.

"Dad!"  Ethan came bursting through the door.

Oh, what now?

"Can I have a piece of Halloween candy?  I finished all my lunch," he sang.

"Did you clear off your place at the table?" I asked.  "If you did, then yes."

"Yes," he groaned with exasperation.

The commotion was mounting.

"Dad.  Logan spilled," Justin repeated.  There was definitely more attitude this time.

That's nice.  What do you plan to do about it?

"Dad!" Justin shouted.

"What is it, Justin?!" I asked, angrily.

"Logan spilled!"

"What on earth do you possibly expect me to do about it?" I hollered, "Either help him or tell your mother!"

Good grief!

"Ethan!  What are you still doing here?"

"I'm waiting for an answer," he said irritably.

Oh, for heaven's sake.

"Yes!" I screamed.  "And close the door on your way out!  Meanwhile, I'm busy!"

What was I doing again?

Oh, right...taking a shower!

- 4 November 2012

C is for Cookie

Once we had finished our meticulous correspondence, we took matters into our own hands.

Hooray for eBay!  We froze those puppies and rationed them out.

- 29 January 2009

Optimism

Meanwhile - at the doctor's office this morning...

"Okay, sweetheart," the nurse said.  "You can put your shoes back on and the bottom drawer is full of books."

"This bottom drawer?" he asked, looking up at me and pointing.

"Yes," I said, trying not to roll my eyes until he looked away.  "The only bottom drawer in the room," I mumbled.

Logan took his time rummaging through the dozens of titles packed into the drawer.  At last, he pulled out his selection.

He held the book aloft and cried out with delight, "Ohhh...my favorite book I haven't read yet."

- 2 November 2012