Thursday

Beware all those who visit our house on a Thursday...

Logan began to cry when Ashley took him to the babysitter's house.  He wanted to stay home with the older boys (who had no school) and have Underwear Thursday.

Yes, it's just as naked as it sounds.

- 22 November 2012

The Story of Power World

[Recorded by Ashley & Andy exactly as dictated by Justin.]

• Power World is Justin’s imaginary world.
• The official language is Star language.
• They are fighting The Great Crocodile War.
• There are 855 dragons in Power World.
• There are many green dragons but most of them are red.
• The dragons are single, solid colors and can fly from birth, once taught by Justin...“It’s nice that I have help from Rodeo now.” (Rodeo is Justin's imaginary friend.)
• The babies can only breathe smoke.
• They only eat meat - "people are meat."
• I [Andy] have been arrested and set free numerous times for commenting about what people can and cannot do at traffic lights.  I have been warned that further infractions will result in permanent incarceration.
• There is no such thing as cars.
• There are motorcycles.
• People, especially hunters, float above the ground.
• The motorcycles can also turn into flying machines.
• Coconut trees grow coconuts and swords.
• In 2009, Justin gave Power World to Ethan.
• It has now become a suburb of Blue Land (Ethan's imaginary world).

- 27 July 2009

The Magic of Cooking

In the van after going through the McDonald's drive through, all five of us are headed to the Pendleton pool.

"Hey mom, I'm mixing strawberries and plain lemonade to make strawberries and plain lemonade. "

A lone cricket chirped somewhere in the distance.  Before anyone could think of what to say, Ethan joined in.

"Hey, dad."

"What?" I asked.

"I'm mixing strawberries and plain..."

He trailed off as though he'd forgotten the next ingredient.

"Plain lemonade?" I ventured. "You'll never guess what that makes," I said.

Justin joined in with a wrye smile.

"What?" he asked, in mock wonderment.

"Strawberries and plain lemonade," Logan said, with the kind of satisfied enthusiasm that comes from having successfully taught someone an important life lesson.

"That's the magic of cooking!" he exclaimed.

- 16 June 2013

The Awful Truth

It turns out that boys don't have two volumes after all.  I just have partial hearing loss from all of the racket!  I wonder if my ears will ever stop ringing.

Sweet

As Ethan and I were walking out of school, he looked up and said, "That was nice of Mommy of holding my hand. I love Mommy to hold my hand."

How sweet.  You should tell her.

- 26 February 2007

Super Sized

"Does McDonald's have black Friday sales?"

Shhh.  Don't let Morgan Spurlock hear you say that.

- 30 November 2013

A Load of Quack

"Dad, can I please have some cold fresh water?  And then can you help me scare the duck out of my bed?"

Sure.  Just a moment while I fetch my gun.

- 3 June 2013

All I Ever Needed to Know I Learned from my Brother

"Sharing is caring - that little boy shared his knives and fire with Billy."

"Ahh, it burns!"

- 25 June 2013

Lost In His Own Museum

Ethan, bless him, is not a details man when it comes to matters outside of the classroom.  He finally had an opportunity to have a friend spend the night.  He talked about it for days.  He obsessed over it at every chance.  When the day finally arrived, he took charge and got the details.

Freshly home from an errand, I walked in the back door.  My wife stood in the kitchen drumming her fingers on the counter.

"What's up?" I asked.

She rolled her eyes, shook her head and handed me a note.  It was Ethan's handwriting alright.

"We're picking Tony up at 5:00.  Here are the directions: Go past Wal-Mart and you'll see a playground...I don't really remember the rest.  Oh!  The address is 311 apartment 1-0...something.  Do you want me to call him back?"

Good luck us.

- 11 October 2013

Who Wears the Pants in the Family

How do you react when you find out that the Capri pants your wife has been missing for three months are being worn by your teenage son?

How do you react when he refuses to give them back?

Vodka, anyone?

- 1 December 2013

Rubber Band

When all else fails...

- 7 December 2013

Happy Birthday

WHAT: Birthday Party
WHERE: Manger-side in the stable
WHEN: December 25th
WHO: Melchior, Caspar, Balthazar, Tinker Bell, Dumbledore, the Red Knight and the Holy Ghost (assorted shepherds and boys with drums also welcome).

- 16 December 2013

Men Are From Mars

"Dad!" Logan exclaimed as he pointed through the car window.  "I see the first star."

"Sure enough.  Did you know that that star is actually an entire planet?" I asked.

"No!  What's it called?"

"Venus," I answered.

Almost immediately I realized my mistake.

"Ohhh," he said trailing off.  I could hear the grin in his voice.  "You know what Venus rhymes with?"

Stupidity?

"Penis!" he gleefully shouted.

Then began the song..."Ve-nus, pe-nis, Ve-nus, pe-nis..."  You get the idea.

Kill me.  Kill me now.

- 23 November 2013

What's New?

"Um, hey, Dad?  Is there anything new for breakfast?" Logan asked.

"Not today," I said, shaking my head.

"We could buy some Fruity Pebbles," he suggested.

"Fruity Pebbles?"

I wondered where this was coming from as he had never had so much as a Pebble before in his life.

"Yes, they have my favorite colors, pink, green and blue."

"Well sure," I said, "but how do you know they'll taste any good?"

"Um, because," he said, with disgust at my apparent stupidity, "they have my favorite colors, pink, green and blue."

Oh, right, 'cause that's how it works.

- 23 November 2013

All In Your Head

Ashley just got through saying something that wasn't 100% true in order to make a point for one of the cheeky little smart mouths seated at the dinner table.  It's a fantastic parenting trick until they learn to become as quick and as witty as you are.

"Did that sound true in your head?" Justin snapped.  "Because out here it sure didn't."

I don't think it helped that I guffawed.

- 16 September 2013

Rezoning Laws

"Um, Dad, what is up in that space over around here...up there...above the sink?" Logan asked.

He pointed to the spot that used to be a basement window until the addition to our house was built.

"That's called the crawl space, remember?" I replied.

"Oh yeah, I forgot.  But what's over it?" he asked, again pointing at the crawl space.

"That leads to the kitchen and dining room, my bathroom and Justin's room," I explained, wondering how little detail I could get away with.

"And the library?"

??

"Um..."

- 17 September 2013

Mannequin Love

Why did I just have to tell my five-year-old son to, "Stop molesting the mannequins?"  He may not have understood what I said but he sure knew what I meant by the dangerous look I flashed him - even at twenty paces.  His both hands were on her chest like it was the milking exhibit at the county fair instead of the display window at Old Navy.

Personally, I blame Old Navy for building anatomically correct mannequins.

- 5 October 2013

Have My Cake and Eat It Too

"Can we make a pumpkin cake?" Logan asked.

"You know, I have this great recipe for pumpkin bars," Ashley replied.  "They're like little cakes with frosting."

"Okay..." Logan said, dubiously.  Not to be derailed, his face brightened, "But let's do a pumpkin cake and then we can do your "bars" some other day."

Golly Mom, if I had wanted bars...

- 20 October 2013

Your Call Cannot Be Completed As Dialed

After loading up the washing machine and emptying the cat box, I checked in on the two sons playing video games and headed up the stairs.  No sooner had I reached the landing then I heard what sounded like angry shouting coming from the other end of the house.  More specifically, the master bedroom wherein sat my wife.

"Stop calling me at this number," she shouted into the telephone.

"Who was that?" I asked, in mock trepidation.

"Justin!" she said.

Well turn me upside down and paint me blue, I had not seen that coming.

"Justin?" I asked, now thoroughly confused.

"Yes.  He and Ethan are fighting..."

How is that even possible?  Justin is at someone else's house over a mile away.

We were interrupted by the telephone.  It was an internal call from the basement.  This time it was Ethan's turn to register a complaint.  After a moment, Ashley hung up the phone and continued.

"...because Ethan signed in to Justin's profile on the Xbox," she explained.  "I just love how they can fight when they're not even in the same house," she added.

I laughed and shook my head.

"The 21st century sucks," I declared.

"I know," she replied.  "The least they could have done is call each other on their own phones and leave me out of it."

- 20 October 2013

Hanging Out

I did a double-take and tapped my wife on the arm.

  

I wondered what all the wrestling and grunting had been about, to say nothing of how long it took to put on.

- 6 October 2013

Disgusting Love

As we rode along in the truck after pre-school, headed for home and lunch...

"What is the smell like in here?" Logan asked.

"It smells like old truck and dirt," I said, thoughtfully.

"No, it smells like melted hot dogs, melted cheese, disgusting love and a breaked (sic) heart," he insisted.

Say what now??  Noooo!!  I just got my heart broken and now my hot dog has melted.  Will the suffering never end?  By the way, what are they teaching you at this pre-school?

- 3 October 2013

Say Cheese

Okay boys, line up over there and smile.  This one's for your grandmother.

*sigh*

- 22 August 2013

Sometimes

"Sometimes my penis sticks out of my shorts and I don't like it," Logan informed his grandmother.

"Well, just stick it back in," she advised.

Wow.  Remind me not to sit next to the two of you at the dinner table.

- 28 July 2013

Just Eat

"This smells disgusting," Logan proclaimed.

"What does?" I asked.

"My fork."

First of all, I don't want to know what you've done or where you've put that fork to make it smell disgusting.  Secondly, just eat already!

- 16 June 2012

New Flavor

In the truck on the way to 7-Eleven, I was reciting, aloud, the list of various family members and Slurpee flavors.  The order was thus:

Ashley wanted Pepsi.  I wanted grape.  Logan, well, who knows what he wanted, we'd have to wait and see what was available.  Justin, ah, Justin.  He had disappeared with some friends so...one less Slurpee to keep track of.

I turned to Ethan and said, "What flavor are you going to have?"

"Donkey spittle," he replied, with a finality that indicated there weren't two ways about it.  

He continued to stare out the front window as we drove along, leaving no indication on his face as to whether or not he was serious.  I couldn't tell if he had given this a great deal of thought or if he knew what a thought was at this point.  Definitely my genes.

Donkey spittle?  He may or may not have been serious but I'm suddenly less excited about my Slurpee.

- 1 September 2013

Are You Feeling It Now?

"Justin, are you going to Scouts," Ashley asked, expecting the answer, "Yes."

"I'm just not feelin' it," he said, yawning and stretching.

Oh yeah?  Well, come over here where I can reach you and you'll be feelin' it!

- 4 June 2013

The Minion

Happy 5th birthday to my littlest minion.  Having had two other sons turn five before him, one would think that I would have remembered how the Terrible Twos don't stop just because they're not two anymore.  Their power over good and evil increases exponentially every 365 days.

Pardon my gaffe, I didn't mean to say good.

- 28 August 2013

Wipe Out

Having just hung up the telephone with my boss, I turned to consult my wipe board on the next step of my project.

"Logan!" I exclaimed.  "What have you done?  I have absolutely no idea what was on that board."

Hello!  I wrote it all on the board so that I wouldn't have to remember it.

Logan sheepishly replaced the caps on the markers.  He held my hand as we walked out of the office.

"It was just letters..." he said, trying to be helpful.  "And numbers," he added.

- 3 September 2013

Something's Missing

Just when I thought Miley Cyrus at the Video Music Awards was he most disturbing thing I'd seen this week...

- 28 August 2013

Covering Your Butt(s)

From the bedroom, I could hear the sound of a clattering crash emanating from the kitchen.  I sat, momentarily frozen, listening for the sounds of injury, immanent death or a call for clean-up on aisle five.

"Logan, what were you doing?" Ethan asked.

"I was trying to pause it so I could see their butts!" he exclaimed.

I'm still not sure how I feel about the fact that he dropped the remote while watching Teletubbies.

- 2 July 2013

Measure Twice, Cut Once

Justin asked for permission to have the last brownie.

"Yes but you have to split it with your brother," Ashley advised.

Knowing exactly how this would play out, I added my own two cents.

"Remember Justin, you get to cut the brownie, but Ethan gets to choose which piece he wants."

- 25 June 2013

Mark Your Place

"I found another sock for the dirty clothes," Ashley sighed.

Her face disclosed mingled feelings of exasperation, amusement and disgust.

"Okay," I said, going to retrieve it so I could put it in the laundry.

As I turned to leave the room with the dirty sock in hand, Ashley said,

"I think we need to get Ethan some bookmarks."

It took me a moment to put it all together.  Oh!  That's why you're sitting there holding one of his books.

I wonder if the library will issue a fine when the book comes back smelling like a foot.

- 2 April 2013

Mother's Day 2013

Who wears the pants in our family?  Let's find out...

Sitting at the kitchen table this morning, my 4-year-old's video game and my word search finished simultaneously.  As I watched him put the cartridge back in the case, I was reminded to resume an earlier conversation.

"Logan," I said.  "Remember the cartridge that you lost in our bed last night?  I found it and it's sitting on our dresser."

There was a mid-sized discussion over the confusion I had apparently caused by referring to the game card as a cartridge.  It took nearly every ounce of strength and concentration I possessed not to leap up and shake the entire bag of game cartridges in his little face.  Once that was settled, I picked up where we had left off.

"Next time you lose track of something like that (notice how I completely side-stepped making any mention of the video game components) you should tell us right away so we can help you find it," I reminded him.

He nodded.

"Why didn't you ask for help last night?" I asked.

"I didn't want to interrupt Mom and bother her while she was watching her television shows," he said, with concern.

Well, kid, I don't blame you for that.

"Sweetheart, you can always bother us," I said.  "Any time," I added.

He looked up from what he was doing and stared directly at me.

"Is Mom okay with that?"

- 12 May 2013

Easter Brunch

Ethan stood at the buffet table looking lost.

"What's wrong, Ethan?" I asked.  His plate was filled with assorted pastries.

"I'm looking for lunch," he said.

"What?"

"I'm looking for lunch," he repeated.

My brain could not compute.

"What?" I asked again, certain that I had misheard him.

He looked up at me with the exasperated expression of someone trying to explain something complicated to someone so stupid.

"I'm looking for lunch.  You know, the hot dogs and stuff," he said.

Oh!  Because brunch is breakfast...and lunch.  Gotcha.

Yeah...no.

- 31 March 2013

Oldest Brother

"This is exactly why I'm not going to have children...ever!" Justin exclaimed, folding his arms across his chest and, with a look of ultimate disgust, turned to stare out the window.

"Why?" I asked.

"Because they're annoying and brats," he said, throwing an annoyed look at his brothers.

Hmm...I probably shouldn't reply.

- 31 August 2012

Commercial Interruption

"Why do the girl commercials keep coming on?" Logan asked.

"Well, they have both boy commercials and girl commercials," I said.

"But we don't want the girl ones," he protested.

Oh, that's right.  You're only four and even the Victoria's Secret girls have cooties.  Just you wait.

"But they don't know that," I explained.

"How 'bout we tell them."

Yes, let's.

- 18 February 2013

Hiking

"I was thinking of taking you guys on a hike later this afternoon," I said to Logan, as he entered the room playing his Nintendo DS and complaining about not being able to find his older brother to help him pass the current level.

"Okay.  I'm bringing the DS to play while we hike," he declared, continuing to wander from room to room without even looking up.

"No.  There will be no electronics on the hike," I said.

"Oh!" he whined, "then it's only walking!"

That's the plan.  Get behind it.

- 23 March 2013

Be Careful What You Wish For

Just once, instead of the begging, pleading, arguing, yelling and threatening, I would like a volunteer.

"Hey, Dad, would you like some help?" or "Can I do that for you?"

On second thought, the shock might kill me.

- 5 June 2012

Remind Me

When I find someone sitting on the dining room table, eating cheese for breakfast, in his underwear...and that same someone jumps down from the table and upsets someone else's full bowl of corn flakes...and now the chair and floor and boys are drowning in milk...how am I not supposed to be mad?

Refresh my memory - quickly!

- 24 June 2012

Cinematic Drama

I just can't win!  I planned to take the boys to a movie this afternoon, but the earliest showing is right now and the next one is too late.  We'll have to wait until next weekend.  Now, there is crying and the slamming of doors...and the boys are upset too.

Holy cow!

- 6 June 2012

Why Are You In My Bed?

"Dad, my tummy wasn't interested in that pancake," Logan informed us.  His expression was meant to convey what we were obviously too stupid to comprehend.  Our expressions were complete dumbfounded shock.

I'm aware.  Meanwhile, I need to strip the bed and figure out how to get vomit out of a down comforter.

- 17 February 2013

Happy Mustache Day

Ah, they grow up so fast.  Now all he needs is a cowboy hat and a pistol.

- 22 March 2013

Synchronize Your Calendars

Logan is constantly on a mission to discover how close we are to his birthday.  As we drove home, we recited the months and then counted how many were left until the blessed event.

"Does the whole world have the same months as us?" he wanted to know.

"Yes," I said, intending to elaborate.

I was swiftly cut off.

"You mean, like, Sunriver, Pullman, Oklahoma and..."

There was a significant pause, during which you could hear the gears grinding furiously.

"...China...town?"

Yes.  Both China and Town.

Remarkable, no?

- 22 March 2013

1-800

Upon hearing that the caller ID had revealed an incoming call from "Toll Free," Logan shouted, "Don't answer that!"

It was fully my intention to do exactly that, but still, I wanted to know.

"Why?"

"Because nobody likes 'Toll Free'," he said.

Amen, brother.

- 16 March 2013

Fella's Cake Bake 2013

This year's theme was "Patriotic".  Our first thought was to make a flag, but then we decided that that would be too easy and everybody else would probably be making flags as well.

Almost immediately, Ethan suggested making the president - and we were off.  Believe it or not, all we needed from the grocery store was frosting, mini-marshmallows and gingerbread marshmallows for the eyes and nose and special Mike & Ike candies for the tie.

And, just like that, we had...

President Obama

- 24 February 2013

New Moves

"Dad!"

As I sat on the kitchen floor, Logan bounded up to me with a look of unparallelled glee and excitement.

"After I finish eating my chocolate Rice Krispies," he clapped, "I'm going to show you a new dance I can do!"

"Great," I replied, to his disappearing backside.

"...on the coffee table," he shouted.

Wait, what?

Alright, while you're finishing breakfast, I'll grab my shoes and wallet and the emergency room punch card.

- 21 January 2013