Easter Brunch

Ethan stood at the buffet table looking lost.

"What's wrong, Ethan?" I asked.  His plate was filled with assorted pastries.

"I'm looking for lunch," he said.

"What?"

"I'm looking for lunch," he repeated.

My brain could not compute.

"What?" I asked again, certain that I had misheard him.

He looked up at me with the exasperated expression of someone trying to explain something complicated to someone so stupid.

"I'm looking for lunch.  You know, the hot dogs and stuff," he said.

Oh!  Because brunch is breakfast...and lunch.  Gotcha.

Yeah...no.

- 31 March 2013

Oldest Brother

"This is exactly why I'm not going to have children...ever!" Justin exclaimed, folding his arms across his chest and, with a look of ultimate disgust, turned to stare out the window.

"Why?" I asked.

"Because they're annoying and brats," he said, throwing an annoyed look at his brothers.

Hmm...I probably shouldn't reply.

- 31 August 2012

Commercial Interruption

"Why do the girl commercials keep coming on?" Logan asked.

"Well, they have both boy commercials and girl commercials," I said.

"But we don't want the girl ones," he protested.

Oh, that's right.  You're only four and even the Victoria's Secret girls have cooties.  Just you wait.

"But they don't know that," I explained.

"How 'bout we tell them."

Yes, let's.

- 18 February 2013

Hiking

"I was thinking of taking you guys on a hike later this afternoon," I said to Logan, as he entered the room playing his Nintendo DS and complaining about not being able to find his older brother to help him pass the current level.

"Okay.  I'm bringing the DS to play while we hike," he declared, continuing to wander from room to room without even looking up.

"No.  There will be no electronics on the hike," I said.

"Oh!" he whined, "then it's only walking!"

That's the plan.  Get behind it.

- 23 March 2013

Be Careful What You Wish For

Just once, instead of the begging, pleading, arguing, yelling and threatening, I would like a volunteer.

"Hey, Dad, would you like some help?" or "Can I do that for you?"

On second thought, the shock might kill me.

- 5 June 2012

Remind Me

When I find someone sitting on the dining room table, eating cheese for breakfast, in his underwear...and that same someone jumps down from the table and upsets someone else's full bowl of corn flakes...and now the chair and floor and boys are drowning in milk...how am I not supposed to be mad?

Refresh my memory - quickly!

- 24 June 2012

Cinematic Drama

I just can't win!  I planned to take the boys to a movie this afternoon, but the earliest showing is right now and the next one is too late.  We'll have to wait until next weekend.  Now, there is crying and the slamming of doors...and the boys are upset too.

Holy cow!

- 6 June 2012

Why Are You In My Bed?

"Dad, my tummy wasn't interested in that pancake," Logan informed us.  His expression was meant to convey what we were obviously too stupid to comprehend.  Our expressions were complete dumbfounded shock.

I'm aware.  Meanwhile, I need to strip the bed and figure out how to get vomit out of a down comforter.

- 17 February 2013

Happy Mustache Day

Ah, they grow up so fast.  Now all he needs is a cowboy hat and a pistol.

- 22 March 2013

Synchronize Your Calendars

Logan is constantly on a mission to discover how close we are to his birthday.  As we drove home, we recited the months and then counted how many were left until the blessed event.

"Does the whole world have the same months as us?" he wanted to know.

"Yes," I said, intending to elaborate.

I was swiftly cut off.

"You mean, like, Sunriver, Pullman, Oklahoma and..."

There was a significant pause, during which you could hear the gears grinding furiously.

"...China...town?"

Yes.  Both China and Town.

Remarkable, no?

- 22 March 2013

1-800

Upon hearing that the caller ID had revealed an incoming call from "Toll Free," Logan shouted, "Don't answer that!"

It was fully my intention to do exactly that, but still, I wanted to know.

"Why?"

"Because nobody likes 'Toll Free'," he said.

Amen, brother.

- 16 March 2013