Show and Tell

"Logan would you like to take these cars home with you?" Ashley asked.

"Yes.  Yes!  YES!  I can't wait to show my kitty all of these cars."

Would that be the same kitty who had difficulty understanding his relativity to time and space?   I'm sure he'll be thrilled.

- 25 November 2012

Toppings

We came across Justin, standing in the kitchen fixing a snack and watching TV while his guest was left alone in the basement.  When we asked him if he had even thought to ask Jake if he wanted something too, he became completely exasperated.

"He already had whipped cream on his Mt. Dew!"

Um, eww!

- 10 November 2012

It Is What It Is

The young YMCA basketball camp leader was trying so hard to organize a dozen preschoolers and get them to do a drill.  After one wildly unsuccessful attempt, the kids returned to their spots.  The coach trotted over looking slightly worse for wear and asked a rhetorical question to the group at large.

"Was that a disaster?"

The kids stared around mumbling and shuffling their feet, not sure whether or not to answer.  Not my son. 

"Yes!" he shouted. 

- 25 July 2014

Older Brothers

Older brothers were put on this earth with the express purpose of tormenting their younger siblings.  I myself am an older brother so I know from personal experience.  And Logan, being the youngest, has two older brothers so the torment factor has increased exponentially.

As I sit here in the park watching a boy torture his sister on the swing set, Logan approaches.  He has already announced that he and his friend Addie are going to have a play date.

"I'm telling Addie all the things she can and can't do at our house."

How proactive.

"I already told her to stay away from my brothers, that's for sure!"

- 25 July 2014

Little Kitty Angel

Boys and pets are usually a great combination.  Occasionally, however, I have noticed that the boys may be more of a hazard to the pets than the pets are to them.

One evening, during our bedtime routine, I watched as the cat managed to perch himself on the railing of the top bunk of Ethan's bed.  He sat, balancing very carefully, watching the room like a hawk looking for a mouse.  Just behind the cat, I could see a little foot moving slowly toward the rail with it's toes wiggling madly.  Suddenly, the foot rocketed forward, connecting with the cat and sending him airborne.

"He's flying like a little kitty angel," came a delighted voice. 

- Circa 2006

The Task at Hand

We love to visit the Olive Garden whenever we're in town.  During one such visit, I took Logan to the restroom so we could clear up any lingering issues before the meal began.  Being only three, Logan still required a little help with his aim.  So, as he stood at the urinal, I knelt down to assist.  While Logan happily tinkled my thoughts drifted off and I began to wonder why the music was so much louder in the restroom than it was in the main restaurant.  After a minute, Logan looked up at me with a stern gaze.

"Turn it down," he commanded.

It was a moment before I realized he wasn't talking about the music.

- 7 October 2011

A Slap in the Face

I thought I knew how to talk to my children on all levels.  However, I was quick to find that the I'm-four-but-I'm-going-to-talk-to-you-like-an-adult level was not in my repertoire.

While driving the truck to the YMCA with Logan in the seat next to me, I was using the speaker phone to talk to Justin at home.  Justin became angry when I wouldn't let him onto the computer and told him that I wasn't going to do it even though tomorrow was the last day of school.  I hung up the phone.  It was a slightly heated conversation but nothing I couldn't handle.

"I think he's going to slap you in the face," Logan said, matter-of-factly.

What!?

"Logan, he's not gonna slap me," I said.

I was a little bit shocked.

"I'm just sayin' I think he's gonna slap your face."

"He's mad at me but he's not gonna slap my face," I said, defensively.

I can't believe I'm having this conversation with a four-year-old.

"Well," he conceded, "it's not like he's coming down the street to slap your face."

Yet.  I checked the rear-view mirror.

- 12 June 2013

Tell It Like It Is

With three boys involved in so many activities, I sometimes forget who has been where, when and why.  Case in point.

After picking up Logan I had to make a stop at Justin's middle school.  As we made our way inside I asked,

"Have you been here before?"

"Yes, for Justin's really boring concerts," he replied.

- 20 May 2014

Not Again

My private line rang at work.  The caller ID reported an Idaho caller.  This did not bode well.

"Hello, Mr. Goss?"

Ugh.  Not again.

"This is Robert Stevens, and I'm a ranger at the park here.  Did you by any chance visit here this weekend?" he asked.

You mean the park a hundred miles from here in another state?  Maybe.

"I found a cell phone...it didn't have a name so I dialed 'Dad.'"

Of course you did.  Justin!

- 28 May 2013

Peanut Gallery

Any parent will tell you that you have to be careful what you say around your children for fear of having it repeated.  Any parent of boys will tell you that you have to be careful what you say around your children for fear of being heckled.

On our bike ride to the park in Sunriver, we climbed what seemed like a never ending hill.  It took some time and the difficult grade made everyone complain.  After we re-grouped at the top, the peanut gallery, who was riding in the bicycle trailer, quietly chimed in.

"Whine, whine, whine.  Moan, moan, moan," he kept chanting.

- 6 August 2012

Twenty-five Sense

As an Eagle Scout, I have spent my whole life adhering to the motto, "Be Prepared."  So I suppose I should have been more impressed as we wandered through the airport on our way to dinner, dressed in our Sunday best.

"Do you have a quarter?" Ethan asked me.

"No," I said.

"If only I knew where I could get a quarter," he said.  "Oh, wait, I have some in my shoe."

"Oh, good," I replied.  "Wait, what?"

Is that why you're walking funny?  If you had to keep your quarters in your shoe, dare I ask what you're keeping in your pockets?

- 19 May 2012

My Son

My phone rang and I glanced down in time to see my wife's work number on the caller ID.  Uh-oh.  This could go either way.  Either I was about to be delighted by some fantastic new recipe that we were going to be trying for dinner tonight, or there was blood, vomit, screaming, and possibly, grade report.  I picked up the receiver.

"Hello?"

"Your son needs a dress," came the greeting.

Oh sure, he needs a dress so he's my son.  First of all I am almost certain that he does not need a dress and secondly, I have questions.  My stunned silence must have been very reassuring to her.  After a moment she continued, sounding very tired.

"There's some sort of play tomorrow at school and he's Goldilocks."

Of course he is.

"After school will you please take him to Goodwill and see if you can find him a dress?"

Nothing would give me greater pleasure than to take my ten-year-old son dress shopping at the Goodwill.

Now I'm starting to sound tired.

- 10 March 2014

I Should Have Known

I should have know that no good would come from this conversation, especially as it was being held with a five-year-old.

"Dad, do sometimes dads have babies?" Logan wanted to know.

"No," I said, "Dads have a penis."

Knowing that he was only five, I hoped that this would be enough to appease him, but I knew in my heart it would not.

"Dad, why did you say 'penis' out loud to me?"

Sigh

"Say penis again!" he squealed.  "Say penis again!"

- 3 February 2014

Watch It

"Logan please be careful, this is uneven and I don't want you to fall."

"I can't," he said.  "It's instructable.  My body is instructable!"

Perfect, if it's so instructable - please be careful!

- 15 June 2013

Spoiled

Logan was standing on my side of the bed when Ashley called him over to her.  As he made his way around the bed, I remarked that at least we still had one boy who lets us hug him and cuddle with him.  This four-year-old let Ashley pull him up on the bed and give him kisses and a big bear hug.

After a moment, Logan began to struggle but Ashley held on tight.  She wasn't going to give up without a fight.

"Um, I think my penis is sticking out of my underwear," he said, finally. 

Well, there went that moment.

Man, if I had a nickel for every time I've said that to her!

- 5 June 2013