Imposition

Justin was not pleased.

Once a month we head out of town on a shopping trip.  The trip takes us to places like Costco that are simply out of our normal reach.  The boys detest this trip.  Apparently, the prospect of going out to a nice dinner and spending time as a family are not enough to offset the two hour car ride and the shopping in general.

So Justin and his friend, Winston, cooked up a scheme where Justin would stay at Winston's house until we returned from our excursion.  Needless to say, this plan did not take flight.  Justin called to tell Winston the bad news just as we were merging onto the highway.

"My mom says we don't want to impose on you," Justin explained.

There was a long pause.

"I don't know what it means either."

- 6 October 2012

Leave it to Ethan

Boys like to ask questions purely for the shock value.  My sons are no different.  Any time an opportunity presents itself they will ask a question or make a comment just for the effect.  The trick is getting them to understand when it is appropriate and when it is not.  Scratch that - the trick is getting them to stop asking when they already know it's inappropriate.  So far we have failed.

From: Ashley
Sent: Thursday, January 22, 2015 10:40 AM
To: Roger G
Cc: Andy
Subject: Re: EG

Mr. G,

I appreciate you for handling this so well and letting us know.  Just so you know, we may have the "not every thought is golden" talk with Ethan--again--as well.  He tends to like to test the waters by asking "interesting" questions, though he may also have been genuinely curious in this case.

Thanks, Ashley


On Thu, Jan 22, 2015 at 8:19 AM, Roger wrote:

Mr. & Mrs. G,

Just wanted to relay a conversation that I had with Ethan yesterday.  He came up to me after [band] class (3rd period) and asked me about herpes.

I said......

"Well, there are different forms of herpes.  A cold sore as a form of herpes.  As far as we are concerned, in band if you have a cold sore and play your trumpet and someone else plays the trumpet it can be spread.  The same would be for drinking out of the same cup.  As far as the other forms you should talk with your parents."

Just keeping you in the loop with this sensitive topic.  Ethan is a delightful young man and I am thoroughly enjoying him in class.

Roger

The Parking Place

Ashley, Logan and I climbed into the van after movie night at the elementary school.  The van, Ashley's primary transportation, was covered front to back in massive quantities of bird feces.  It looked like the staging area for Alfred Hitchcock's The Birds.

"What did you do, park under sh** tree?" I asked my wife.

A voice piped up from the back seat.  Gulp!

"I would prefer it if you said, 'Park under poop tree,'" Logan stated.

I'm feeling such a strange mixture of embarrassment and pride.

- 23 January 2015

Self-awareness

When Logan saw what I had made for lunch he wanted in on the action.

"Dad, can I have a pizza too?" he asked me.

Reluctantly, I offered to share mine instead of making a whole new one.  He accepted.

"But I thought you didn't like pepperoni," I said, giving him a quizzical look.

"Dad, I stopped whining about that a long time ago."

- 25 January 2015

Heaven and Hell

Logan was using my phone to play a video game.  He sat at the dining room table complaining about how badly he was losing.

"This is just like being in...you know," he urged.

I raised my eyebrows at my six-year-old son.

"The place when you don't go to Heaven," he continued.

"You mean Hell?" I slowly asked.

"Yes, Hell!" he shouted.

That's some video game.

- 24 January 2015

Shut the Door

One thing you should understand about boys - they are unable to stay in one spot for more than 36 seconds.  It is simply not within their programming.

We were sitting outdoors on a brisk Saturday morning in May, watching hot air balloons launch and lazily float across the sky.  Ashley and a boy or two opted to remain in the comfort of the heated van.

Soon, I could hear Ashley hollering about the van doors being continuously opened and closed.

"What is going on?" I asked Justin, referring to the ruckus and shouting emanating from behind us.

"Mom," he said, chuckling.  "She's very serious about coldness."

- 12 May 2012

Puzzler

Logan stood alone at the fireplace.  The air was filled with apprehension.  Reluctantly, he attempted to complete a jigsaw puzzle, his favorite pastime, but his thoughts were being occupied elsewhere.  Every few seconds he threw a nervous glance at the grate.

"It's not like a spider is going to jump out of the chin-in-ee and eat me," he said reassuringly, his eyes glued to the fireplace, as he placed a puzzle piece into a potted plant.

- 16 September 2013

Tuesdays With Ethan

Cub Scouting's Core Value #7 - Honesty

From the Tiger Cub handbook for the first grade Scout, "Cub Scouting emphasizes the relationships of the head, the heart and the hand to 12 core values and calls them Character Connections.  As you guide your Tiger Cub...you will help him reflect on the three dimensions of character - know, commit and practice."

• Know - What do I think or know?
• Commit - How do I feel about this value?  What makes this difficult to do?
• Practice - What can I do?

Ethan and I sat down on the floor of his bedroom and began our Character Connection discussion for honesty.  There was a great deal of wiggling and fidgeting and I wasn't sure that this exercise would be very productive.

"What does it mean to be honest," I asked.

"To tell the truth," he said.

I was admittedly impressed considering how little he seemed to be paying attention.  So far, this was going better than I expected.

"Ethan, when do you find it difficult to be honest?" I asked him, as he rolled around on the carpet.

"On Tuesday," he replied.

- 4 January 2010

Roll Call

Looking forward to a day when 3-year-old bath time doesn't involve Penis Roll Call.  That is to say that the blanket statement, "all boys have a penis and all girls don't" doesn't seem to suffice.  Instead we have to individually go through our entire genealogy and half the city, including pets.

- 8 September 2011

• Alicia L That's hilarious!
  

  September 8 at 9:29pm
• Walla Walla Dad That's my life. It's nothing if not funny!
  

  September 8 at 9:31pm
• Julie S Wait until you experience cup sliding and cup spinning...
  

  September 8 at 9:44pm
• Bryn B We had the same problem when Lindsay was figuring out the difference between boys and girls. She had to confirm that a whole bunch of people had the proper parts. I hated it when she would go through the neighbors. "Does Mr. Matt have a penis?" "Yes, and now Mommy's going to have a hard time looking at him without blushing next time I see him."
  

  September 9 at 3:45am
• Carrie R My nephew used to inventory boobies, which was interesting when it came to some flat chested friends.
  

  September 9 at 4:37am
• Walla Walla Dad Our roll call often includes neighborhood pets as well (dead or alive).
  

  September 9 at 6:25am
• Jeff R ‎"Spectacles, testicles, glasses, keys". That was my 96 year old step-father last week. It never ends.
  

  September 9 at 1:01pm
• Kyra R LOL! It's my life with 3 boys, too! I've had a terrible time convincing my 3 year old that mommy doesn't have one! Public bathroom:"Mommy - I saw your penis!" No son, I'm pretty certain you didn't. Sheesh!
  

  September 9 at 4:37pm
• Ashley As long as I'm not included on that list, we're good.
  

  September 9 at 8:57pm
• Walla Walla Dad Hello delusional, you're in the top 4!
  

  September 10 at 8:45am

Seattle

Ashley, Justin and I took a trip to Seattle.  Justin was very young, only two years old, and receiving all the attention as he was still an only child.  We enjoyed ourselves enormously but Justin seemed to be slightly stressed out.  During the entire trip he kept asking when we were going to Seattle.  At first, his little mantra was cute but, as time wore on, it became quite frustrating.  We kept telling him that we were in Seattle.  The entire city was Seattle.  Everything he could see was Seattle.

When it came time to leave he became very upset because "we didn't Seattle."

??

Halfway home it dawned on us that he thought we were going to see Attle.

To this day we have no idea who Attle is.

- Circa 2002

Your Attention Please

Logan appeared holding a spear and telling a story.

"...since there was no bad guys in that day," he said, looking a little distressed.

"Which one?" I asked.

"The one that started before this one.  I've got to fight them," he announced.

Ugh, now I sort of wish I had been paying more attention.  Perhaps I missed something but if there were no bad guys on that day, who exactly will you be fighting?  And where are you going with that spear?

- 22 July 2012

Dream Killer

Getting through to your children is difficult at the best of times.  When someone else is doing something that they have been told they can't do, it makes it that much worse.

It was nine o'clock in the morning and 60 degrees.  The Sunriver Homeowners Aquatic & Recreation Center (SHARC) had been open since six and Justin and I had been round and round about going to swim outdoors so early in the morning in an unheated pool.  As we drove past the facility and saw half a dozen people out swimming he turned and gave me a pleading look.

"No way in hell," I said.

Justin held up a hand.

"Don't talk while my dreams are dying."

- 8 August 2012

Rules of the Game

Ahead of his confirmation, I decided that Ethan needed a little practice shaking hands.  He had just turned nine and it was time that he learned how men shook each others hands.  As practice got under way, Justin decided that he wanted in on the action.

"I am not in the habit of shaking hands with men who are not wearing pants," I told him.

- 19 May 2012

Incensed

I had just finished Logan's bath and popped a diaper on him for overnight protection.  I dashed downstairs to grab pajamas from the laundry when what did I hear standing at the top of the stairs screaming down in my direction?

"I don't need a diaper for bed time!"

You want a bet?

"Joyce (the sitter) said no!"

Oh did she now?

"I not stupid you know!"

It was too much - I laughed so hard that I almost cried.  Get a good picture in your mind of this 3-year-old with his dander up, going to bed angry because he was being forced to wear a diaper.  I ran up the stairs and herded the heated little monster toward his bedroom. 

Now, picture him hopping into bed and landing square on top of the whoopee cushion that his older brothers had planted under the covers.  His look of terror was absolute.  At first he started to cry.  Then he started to laugh and looked me right in the eye and said,

"Dad, that was just a poopie cushion."

I'm still crying.

- 14 September 2011

This Day In History

Ethan was apprehensive about missing school to make a trip to see the doctor.  He was also a little leery about the prospect of having blood drawn.  As I sat at work going through old email files, I wanted nothing more than to give him a hug and tell him that things could always be worse.  Almost at once, I tripped over this email dated a year ago today.  I believe I was explaining why I wouldn't be at a meeting later that evening.

1/13/2014

"...Ethan broke his finger and injured his leg and foot.  The water heater died, the dishwasher is broken and the shower is leaking into the basement..."

See?  At least things are starting out better today!

- 13 January 2015 

The Five Year Gap

What happens when you have two brothers that are five years older than you are?  Nothing good. 

Logan, as the youngest, is exposed to subject matter far beyond the appropriate limits for a child of his age more often than I would care to admit.  And, thanks to his older brothers, he has inadvertently seen a lot of scary movies.  Case in point.  The other night, Logan lay in bed next to Ashley, watching The Sound of Music for the first time.  You couldn't hear the movie over the sound of Logan asking how terrifying it would be and whether or not there would be magic portals.  He hid under the covers because he was convinced that something would jump out and scare him.

Well, maybe a Nazi or two.

- 21 December 2014 

Don't Do It

"Hey, Dad.  I don't think this is a good idea but I'm going to do it anyway."

At first, when he sneaked up behind me and said this, I was certain that he was going to kick me.  After all, my back was turned and I was in a crouching position, ripe for the kicking.  As it turns out, all he wanted to do was drink a glass of chocolate milk and a glass of regular milk using two different straws all at the same time.

He was right, it wasn't a good idea because as soon as he started to drink, he began to laugh causing milk to spray across the table and out of his nose.

I think I would rather have been kicked.

- 4 January 2015

St-inky

"It smells like somebody pooped and then a squid inked."

Say what now?

- 3 January 2015

The Story of Ethan

My name is Ethan.  I’m writing a story about me, my life and some other things.  I hope that who ever is reading this gets to know me better.  I hope you enjoy this story a lot.

First I’m going to write about me for example, things I like to do, my fears and things I don’t really like and some of my hobbies.

Things I like	fears	Things I don’t like	Hobbies
drawing	Mail men	running	drawing
video games	Clowns	My Brothers (sometimes)	Writing
Riding my  bike	Demons	Broccoli	Swimming
Cats	Dolls	The ocean	Golfing
	milk		Playing chess

Now on to my family. I have 2 parents, 2 brothers, 2 cats but 1 ran away because our other fat cat ate all the food and 4 grandparents but I only have met 2 of them.  My parent’s names are Ashley and Andy.  They are both 40.  My grandparent’s names are Matt and Lynda and they live in Pullman, WA.  I have 2 brothers.  My oldest brother’s name is Justin and he is in 8^th grade at Garrison Middle School.  My little brother’s name is Logan and he just started his first year at Sharpstein Elementary.  I had 2 cats, Oliver and Cooper but Cooper ran away, probably because Oliver ate all of the food.  Oliver is the fattest cat I’ve ever seen.  My brother Justin and I had 2 fishes but my fish ate his and died about 4 day’s later.

Now for some extra things like what I want to be when I grow up and stuff like that. When I grow up I hope to get into ether Whitman collage or WSU so I can learn how to be an author and stuff and if I’m not an author than ill try to be a teacher or something like that. I have 3 weakness and they are Ethtinite (it's what Ethan World is made of), milk and octopuses but mostly Ethtinite. One of my greatest moments is when I met my best friends. My other greatest moment is when I saved the world from the zombie aliens who summoned giant asteroids to destroy earth while going back in time to destroy the dinosaurs so that they would not exist in the present and earned $4,000,000,000,000,000 and became the president of the universe and I became immortal and invincible for all of time.

Extra Extra Things

Favorite shows	Favorite places	Favorite colors
Doctor Who	Walla Walla	blue
South Park	Pullman	Orange
Family Guy	Portland	purple

In conclusion I hope that I will succeed with my goals and that I will have the best school year I can.  And if I don’t then at least I tried hard.

Fin

- 23 September 2014

The End

"Dad, I'm only going to ask you one more time," he said, climbing out of the bathtub.  There was a definite hint of annoyance.

I silently wondered what had happened to the first time he asked.

"What is the end?" he stated, fixing me with a stern gaze.

The end?  Of time, of days, of my patience?  What?  My blank look spurred him on.

"The last number," he said.

Oh, the end.  No idea.  He was decidedly displeased when I told him that numbers never end and went to ask his mother.

- 21 December 2014