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| The Pre-Game Show |
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| The Post-Game Show |
"Hey, it's Cooper!" Logan hollered, pointing at his friend, as we rolled to a stop at the corner.The boy and his mother appeared to be having trouble making up their mind about the journey. They started, then hesitated and finally crossed slowly in from of us.
"Okay lady, get a move on," I muttered.
"That's no lady. That's his mom!"- 1 April 2015
"Please take your receipt," chimed the cool, automated voice.Ethan's face melted into a scowl.
"We already did that! Mean lady," he sassed.- 21 November 2006
"When are we getting to Grandma's house?" Logan asked.
"In about 30 minutes," I replied wearily, having answered this question at least eight times before.
"Oh, okay," he said, trailing off. "I thought we were going to die in this car."
"Seriously Mom, can you like, not have such a big head?"Nice. I would have said something but I heard some muttering about what his big head had done to her and I decided not to open my mouth.
"It smells in here," she declared, a disgusted look on her face.Logan was not that easily distracted.
"Does it smell like tears?" came a plaintive sob.- 22 April 2015
"What kind of dessert did you have in mind?" I asked, knowing the answer would be ice cream.
"Well, ice cream," he said.
"We don't have any ice cream," I told him.
"A candy cane?" he ventured.He had been vying for one ever since Justin bought a chocolate peppermint version at the store last week.
"Alright, you can have a candy cane," I said, noticing the fancy red striping on his shirt that wasn't there a mere half an hour before. "Say, is that ketchup you smeared across the top of your shirt?"
"Yep."
"Oh, ketchup is hard to get out of your clothes, Logan," I chastised.
"I didn't like it," he said, helpfully. "It was all spicy."Hmm.
"Spicy? You mean the same ketchup we use all the time that you love?"
"Sometimes it's not yummy," he declared.- 24 November 2015
"Justin, do you have any homework tonight?" I inquired.
"I already did it," he said, in his most excellent mocking voice. "And besides, The Annoying One already asked me."
"Dad, my throat hurts when I poop."
"Should I start dating in ninth grade or tenth?" Logan asked.
"Maybe you should concentrate on being seven and not worry about it," I suggested.
"There are a lot of good girls to date," he added.
"Is he excited?" she wanted to know, for it was he who insisted that we go to this meeting so he could take this trip and "get away from us."
"It's hard to tell with Justin, there's never any emotion," I said, considering her question. "He doesn't hate it and he's not swearing at it so he must be really excited!"
"Is this the goodbye song?"Dude, once more and it will be your goodbye song.
"This is a stupid adventure," he replied, arms crossed, glaring daggers.Evidently, I was keeping him from the best moments of his life. There were snacks to be eaten and fun to be had elsewhere.
"It's not a stupid adventure," I objected.
"Well, it's not amazing...I'll tell you that!" he screamed.
"Turn up the sound!" Justin demanded from the back seat.
"It's loud enough, when you're old," I protested.
"It's loud enough when you're sitting on top of the speakers," my wife added, gesturing toward the speaker at her feet in the passenger-side door.
"I can still hear you talking, it's not loud enough," Justin said wryly.
"How are they gonna' get lucky?" came the question.I knew it was coming before the sound hit my ears. I tried to have a plausible explanation at the ready.
"They're trying to win the lottery," I lied, attempting to keep the note of panic out of my voice.He considered this for a moment and then went back to singing. I had dodged a bullet but only temporarily, for I knew what was next.
"Get some of what?" he wanted to know.
"Somebody stole my chips," Logan moaned, crumpling into the rocking chair beside me.His teenage brother and a friend absconded with the chip bag and disappeared into the basement.
"You don't need any more," I told him, turning back to my computer.
"Yes, I do," he wailed.He had been snacking all evening, both before and after dinner.
"No, you don't," I snapped, "Just stop eating! Doesn't anyone in this house feed you?"He was undeterred.
"But I'm gonna' thirst for hunger."Kid, you're killing me.
"Dad, the cat peed on one of the rugs in your room," Logan said.He was spinning around in the dark driveway waiting for his mother to emerge from the house. We were headed to Science Night at school. In the background I could hear Ashley zip past the back door cursing the cat. Her arms were full as she headed down the stairs to the laundry room, trying not to vomit. Evidently, she was expecting me to clean it instead of throwing it out.
"I know, Mom was just telling me," I said, watching him twirl and thinking about how I was not going to buy a new one this time, I was simply going to rid myself of it once and for all.The rug, not the cat.
"That's why you shouldn't put them on the floor," he said, with admonishment, as though he were teaching me a valuable lesson.
"Dad, why are you still dressed up in your work costume?" Justin asked, as he breezed past me in the doorway of the bedroom and headed down the hall.It was well past seven and I had been home since four.
"I'm not!" I shouted at the back of his head.After all, I had removed the spinning bow tie, squirting daisy and over-sized shoes. I wonder what he thinks I do all day - besides reply to his phone calls and texts about why he can't have any money, hang out with his friends or get a ride until after work.
"...that's why I wanted you to get out on my side of the car," I said, stepping out of the van, narrowly missing an oncoming vehicle while I was busy avoiding a puddle in the dark.Okay, so he was right to get out on his side.
"But I jumped over the water," Logan protested.It's true, I saw him spring over the river of water along the curb and into the ankle-high grass, but I was not to be outdone.
"Yeah, but then you wandered through the wet grass you knucklehead."It was the only thing I could think of without having to put a quarter in the Naughty Jar. We were on our way into the church for Cub Scouts.
"You want a sandwich of pain?" he offered, brandishing a fist in my direction and neatly stepping into a Juniper bush.
"You mean a knuckle sandwich?" I asked.
"Oh, yeah!" he shouted, with a note of gratitude, liberating himself from the bush, "Of pain!" he added, lest I forget.- 9 November 2015
"Is that another Ethan?" Logan asked.We were waiting for the concert to begin. His mother and I looked at each other over his head. Ethan, who had just filed slowly along the third row to sit with the rest of his jazz band-mates, had inexplicably reappeared on stage and was making his way back to his seat.
"No, that's the same one," my wife answered.How many of them were you hoping for?
"But I just saw the other one sit down," he said, craning his neck to get a look at the first Ethan.
"Are you starting a collection?" I asked.There was a look of exasperation at my apparent stupidity.
"See?" Logan said, pointing to the second Ethan who was again, making his way slowly across the third row.There was certainty in his voice and determination in his expression. Any minute now they were bound to come face-to-face. Perhaps the second Ethan would sit in the first Ethan's lap. The excitement was mounting. I was breathless with anticipation.
"Oh no!" Logan exclaimed.He was seated on the toilet and I was on the floor next to the bathtub.
"What is it? What's the matter?" I asked, sitting bolt upright.
"Oh, I just peed all over myself," he said, casually.
"How did you manage that?" I wanted to know.I didn't really want to know but I figured I was probably going to find out one way or another.
"I was busy looking at my poop," he said.You see? I told you I didn't want to know.
"Dad, what's the white stuff in my poop?"I leaned my head against the side of the tub so he couldn't see me roll my eyes. If you'll wait just a minute I'll get my poop-to-English dictionary and we'll find out. Come to think of it, there's probably an app for that.
"It's probably something you ate," I said, throwing him a backwards glance and casting off a prayer to end this conversation.
"Oh, right...the string cheese," he said, thoughtfully.Ew, no! That's not what I meant.
