Uncouth

"Hey, Dad, hurry up and let's get this started."

I walked into the bathroom to find Logan sitting on the toilet. 

"What do you mean hurry up?" I asked.  "I've been waiting for you to get off the pot!"

Logan leapt up from his sitting position and sprang into the tub. 

"I've been waiting for you to get off your pot!" he exclaimed, pointing a finger at me.  "Wait, no, forget that I just messed that up," he said, attempting to retract his zinger.  He paused.  "I've been waiting for  you to get off your...no, wait, forget that I just messed that up a second time."

I began to fill the bathtub, fearing a lengthy attempt to re-zing me.

"I've been waiting for you," he said, making a third attempt and then a fourth. 

Finally he snapped, "I've been waiting for you to get off yours!"

He laughed maniacally.

I splashed water in his face.

- 23 June 2016

The Eulogy

Logan was busy presiding over the eulogy for his bath time toys when I inadvertently committed some sort of faux pas.

"Dad, you inturrupted the death sequence ritual."

Did I?

"What?" I asked. 

"Wait," he said, "what's it called, you know, the ceremony?"

"A funeral?" I ventured. 

"Right!"

- 3 July 2016

Things a Mother of Boys Would Never Say

Oh, wait...no, she did.

"Please stop being gross."

"Get your foot out of my butt."

"Why are you wet, gross!"

"What is this, annoying day?  Come on!"

- 30 June 2016

Eww

"Hey, Mom," he said, "feel that wetness?"

I never saw her foot jerk away so fast.

- 1 July 2016

Laundry

"That's not laundry!"

- 24 May 2016

Get Used To It

Logan and I sat together watching TV in the dining room with Logan planted squarely on my lap.  As per usual, there was a great deal of fidgeting and general wiggliness. 

"Did you just toot?" I asked, trying unsuccessfully to shove him off.

"You should get used to this," he said.  "I farted a lot on Mom's lap while you were in the hospital."

[crickets]

[stinky crickets]

- 17 May 2016

Mediocre

Hand-made Christmas greeting from the first grade.

For Mom and Dad

From Logan

You have been the best parents ever.  Well, not the best parents ever.  You have been good.  Anyway, I love you Mom and Dad.  I hope you are having a great Christmas.  Well, I love you.  I hope you have a great Christmas and I love you.  Bye.  I love you, bye.  Oh, yeah, xoxoxo.

Signed, Logan

- December 2015

I Know Exactly What To Do

"Did the cat get off the bed?" I asked Logan, starring around for signs of movement.

The bottom bunk, clad in navy blue bedding, lay in shadow and I was looking for a black cat among the pillows and blankets.

"No, he's right here," Logan said, thumping him on the back.

The cat gazed up at me seemingly unaware of his pummeling.

"I know exactly how to clear the cat off the bed," he continued.  "Just hit him with a pillow...a few times."

There followed a demonstration in which neither the boy was successful nor the cat was moved.  A second, equally fruitless, attempt was made before Logan finally just shoved the cat off the bed but not before a parting swipe was taken as the cat gracelessly departed from his napping spot.  Now, I may not be the brightest bulb, but I'm reasonably certain that someone in this scenario is not learning their lesson.

- 25 April 2016

Parenting FAIL

We have a lot of Irish in our blood but somehow I can't shake the feeling that we may have forgotten to explain some of the key points about what that means.  This became apparent when Logan posed this question in the car one day.

"If you're Irish, do even the ladies have to get drunk?"

- 24 March 2016

ECHO, Echo, echo

And there it was, on Christmas day, a brand new Amazon Echo.  We plugged it in and took it in turns asking it questions and giving it commands.  Its answers were truly amazing.  There was almost nothing it didn't know.

Then Logan piped up.

"Alexa, how are babies made?" he asked, in a strong, clear voice.

An enormous silence hung over the room.  Even the Echo paused in consideration.  We held our collective breath.

"Um, er, that's a question for Daddy or Mommy," it stammered.

Good job Alexa.  Seriously Logan, that's the first question you ask?

- 25 December 2015

Messed Up Stuff

Friday - there was no school for Ashley and the boys.  I got an early start at work while everyone else slept in.  Pretty soon, I received a text from my wife.

"Logan woke up very upset.  Apparently, Justin & I died," she wrote, "you married Miss Humphreys (Logan's teacher), and, "'A whole bunch of other messed up stuff happened.'"

I'll say.

- 9 October 2015

Cuffed

Notice the stuffed animal on the chair...in handcuffs.  It was in trouble for being naughty.

- 3 July 2010

The Best Movie Ever

We arrived home from school with just enough time for Logan to have a snack without spoiling his dinner.  Within minutes, I could hear the sound of the microwave and the smell of popcorn filled the air.  As soon as I had helped him find a bowl for his treat, he snatched it from the counter top and disappeared down the hall.

I turned my attention to the sizable pumpkin plants that he had been growing in a cup at school, which had now taken up residence on the kitchen drain board, and busied myself watering them before starting the laundry.  It wasn't long before Logan appeared at my side.

"This is the best movie I've ever seen," he said, excitedly, slamming his bowl of popcorn down beside me.  "But I've got to make it more interesting," and, just like that, he was gone again.

Having no idea what to make of this, I helped myself to the popcorn.  Almost at once, there was a tremendous ruckus from the next room accompanied by several rounds of hissing and spitting.  

"Logan, what movie are you watching?" I hollered. 

There was a peel of devious laughter. 

"Cat Versus Vacuum," he squealed. 

- 16 February 2016

Yes

Early Sunday morning text received while I was at work:

"Should I be nervous that Ethan just woke me up to show him how to use the hose on the vacuum?"

Um, yes!


I never heard back...


- 14 February 2016

Cheapskate

Logan was eager to help take down the Christmas decorations.  He was especially excited to begin bending the Christmas tree branches back into their storage position.  I lifted off the top section of the tree and placed it on the floor next to him.

"Don't damage the couch with the tree," I warned.  "You'll poke a hole in it."

"Why, will it let all the air out?"

You know kid, I may be thrifty but I still make enough money to afford a leather couch instead of a blow-up one.


- 3 January 2016