So Annoying

“What am I doing that’s so annoying?” he asked, tauntingly. 

We were attempting to eat a peaceful lunch.  That is to say, I was attempting to eat a peaceful lunch but things had gone awry. 

“Pounding on the table,” I replied. 

“Pounding on the table,” he mimicked. 

I was not impressed and looked the part.  I put my sandwich down. 

“Banging your chair against the floor,” I said, coolly. 

“Banging your chair against the floor,” he repeated, mockingly. 

I wiped my mouth with my napkin.  My eyes narrowed. 

“And, making weird noises with your mouth,” I said, a deadly calm in my voice. 

“Making weird noises with your mouth,” he said, punctuating his statement with the same and watching me very closely. 

I glared.  His smile faltered. 

“Mom?  Dad’s plotting something,” he called, nervously. 

- 10 July 2018

The Gophers

Regarding Total Drama, the Canadian animated comedy television series. 

“I remember all the teams from all the seasons,” he said, proudly.  “There’s the mutant gophers,” he announced.  “No, not mutant gophers,” he mumbled.  “The screaming gophers...no, not screaming gophers.  The attacking gophers...no, not attacking gophers.  I forget.”

No kidding?  I rolled my eyes so hard it hurt my head. 

- 18 August 2018

Disbelief

“I’m not taking a shower because all I smell is pee,” Logan announced. 

“What?  No you don’t.  Now get in the shower,” I replied. 

“Do you think I’m insane?” he asked.  “The cat peed on the mat.”

“I know and I fixed that,” I assured him. 

“It smells like pee,” he insisted.  “Let me show you.”

He led me out of the kitchen and into the bathroom.  I smelled deeply. 

“That’s not pee,” I said.  “That’s the vacuum cleaner.  Ethan just vacuumed in here.”

Indeed, the air smelled like hot dust and burning rubber.  Remind me to check the vacuum belt.

“It smells like pee,” he protested, as he continued to sniff around the room. 

“I washed the mat and bleached the floor, you smell nothing, now get in the shower.”

“Now all I smell is your disbelief!” he retorted. 

- 22 April 2018

Blue’s Crate

My wife and needed to leave on a few Saturday morning errands.  Justin was asleep, Ethan was gone and Logan was nowhere to be found.  So, we decided to crate the dog for a little bit while we stepped out.  We figured that he’d whine for a minute and maybe even bark but then settle down.  After all, this would be good practice for once school started again. 

Ah, the best laid plans. 

When we returned from our excursion and walked in the back door, Justin was standing in the kitchen.  He was beside himself.  A look of manic rage adorned his face.  It was obvious that he had been woken up and not in a good way. 

“Blue was in his crate and Ethan let him out and got him all riled up, then he left and Blue peed everywhere.  What did you tell Ethan anyway?” he shouted. 

“I didn’t know Ethan was here so I didn’t tell him anything,” I replied, calmly. 

Justin looked crest fallen. 

“Oh, well, that’s too bad, I really want to be angry with him right now!”

- 28 July 2018