How Old is Old?

An entire week has elapsed since my in-laws came for a visit and six days have passed since my wife purchased a new purse.  Since its introduction into our household, the purse has been seated in plain sight on a bench in the living room where every member of the family parades past it no less than four times a day.  My oldest son finally caught sight of it just yesterday.

"Mom, Grandma left her purse here," he hollered.

"No Justin, that's mine."

"Why do you have an old lady purse?" he asked.

In the silence that greeted these words, I mentally put all of my chips in on the old lady.  I'd watch my step if I were you, Justin.  If you end up having to throw down with her, she'll beat you with that purse tied behind her back.  Either that or she'll beat you with her purse...or her walker.

- 16 October 2011

Hook, Line and Stinker

Days before his 3rd birthday, Justin came to me looking extremely dejected.

"Daddy, I'm sad."

"Why?" I asked.

"People don't like me," he said.

This was very concerning news.  He's not even three!  Who are these people...and where can I find them?

"What?!  Justin that's not true.  Who told you that?"

"The cat."

- 5 November 2003

What Are You?

On one of the rare occasions when I became exasperated with my middle son (then 3), my oldest (then 5) offered these words of consolation.

"Oh, Ethan," Justin said, quietly shaking his head.  "He doesn't know how the world works.  He doesn't know what to do or what he wants or what he is." 

Justin lifted his head and called to the next room,

"Hey, Ethan?  What are you?"

"Pretty," came the reply.

- 27 October 2006

Let's run through this one more time...

"I'm the gadget maker and the brains.  Ethan's the loco one and you and Mom are the ones who take me places and tell me what to do."

Genius inventor, crazy person, secretary and chauffeur.  That's quite a staff roster you have there.  Well, at least I'll know what to put on my resume.

- 12 July 2007

Guinness Book of What Kind of Records?

As a parent, you are constantly on the lookout for signs that the knowledge you are imparting to your children is having some effect...any effect.  I mean, who am I kidding?  If I only have to remind them to stop answering the front door in their underwear six times in a day instead of seven, I'm not going to split hairs.

Justin and his brother have found endless fascination in the weird and wonderful realm of the Guinness Book of World Records.  What started out as a quest to break an already established record has become a tireless mission to set a record of their very own.

...if only they could think of the perfect record to set...

Each of our visits to Costco or a local bookstore finds them drooling over the newest edition of the Guinness Book.  Never has an opportunity been missed to ask - nay, beg - for a copy for their birthday, Christmas, Easter, Columbus Day, Flag Day...or Tuesday.

During one of our weekly visits to the library, I was excited to witness my shared wisdom being put into action.  Justin not only remembered that he could find the book at the library but he remembered to ask the librarian when he had trouble finding it on his own.  Naturally, I watched the scene unfold from a distance, not being certain that I had been given permission to be seen in public with him.

Guiding Justin through the stacks, the librarian asked him what Guinness records he was out to break or set.  There was absolutely no hesitation when he said,

"Most burps in a day, most farts in an hour."

Ohh!  So close!  I'm fairly certain I had to stifle a yelp.

- 28 April 2009

Everyone's a Critic

My sons have always had strong opinions about life.  This was my 4-year-old.

"When I die, I'm gonna tell God it takes too long for the sun to come up!"

Good luck with that.

- 22 December 2004

Young American Poetry Digest 2011

My middle son, Ethan, is your typical 8-year-old.  Always talking, always moving, always hungry.  His two states of consciousness, awake and slightly less awake, coincide with his two volumes, loud and louder.  He is constantly trying to get us to call him by a variety of nicknames.  Despite his success at school, however, his nickname efforts on the home front have failed. 

Ethan's school work, among other things, follows closely along these lines.  Consequently, a story or poem he has composed will have certain requisite elements including: nicknames, noise, damage and banishment.  When this poem appeared in Young American Poetry Digest for 2011 none of us were surprised.  Proud, but not surprised. 

POE AND MOE

There was a guy named Poe.

He used to play with Moe.

But they screamed too loud.

And broke the crowd.

And there he never again goes.

- Spring 2011