Uncouth

"Hey, Dad, hurry up and let's get this started."

I walked into the bathroom to find Logan sitting on the toilet. 

"What do you mean hurry up?" I asked.  "I've been waiting for you to get off the pot!"

Logan leapt up from his sitting position and sprang into the tub. 

"I've been waiting for you to get off your pot!" he exclaimed, pointing a finger at me.  "Wait, no, forget that I just messed that up," he said, attempting to retract his zinger.  He paused.  "I've been waiting for  you to get off your...no, wait, forget that I just messed that up a second time."

I began to fill the bathtub, fearing a lengthy attempt to re-zing me.

"I've been waiting for you," he said, making a third attempt and then a fourth. 

Finally he snapped, "I've been waiting for you to get off yours!"

He laughed maniacally.

I splashed water in his face.

- 23 June 2016

The Eulogy

Logan was busy presiding over the eulogy for his bath time toys when I inadvertently committed some sort of faux pas.

"Dad, you inturrupted the death sequence ritual."

Did I?

"What?" I asked. 

"Wait," he said, "what's it called, you know, the ceremony?"

"A funeral?" I ventured. 

"Right!"

- 3 July 2016

Things a Mother of Boys Would Never Say

Oh, wait...no, she did.

"Please stop being gross."

"Get your foot out of my butt."

"Why are you wet, gross!"

"What is this, annoying day?  Come on!"

- 30 June 2016

Eww

"Hey, Mom," he said, "feel that wetness?"

I never saw her foot jerk away so fast.

- 1 July 2016

Laundry

"That's not laundry!"

- 24 May 2016

Get Used To It

Logan and I sat together watching TV in the dining room with Logan planted squarely on my lap.  As per usual, there was a great deal of fidgeting and general wiggliness. 

"Did you just toot?" I asked, trying unsuccessfully to shove him off.

"You should get used to this," he said.  "I farted a lot on Mom's lap while you were in the hospital."

[crickets]

[stinky crickets]

- 17 May 2016

Mediocre

Hand-made Christmas greeting from the first grade.

For Mom and Dad

From Logan

You have been the best parents ever.  Well, not the best parents ever.  You have been good.  Anyway, I love you Mom and Dad.  I hope you are having a great Christmas.  Well, I love you.  I hope you have a great Christmas and I love you.  Bye.  I love you, bye.  Oh, yeah, xoxoxo.

Signed, Logan

- December 2015