Wolf Blitzer

"I bet he has wrinkly old butt cheeks."

And I bet that I never want to find out.  That's the news.  Good night everyone.

- 31 December 2012

When You're Right, You're Right

On Christmas Day, there had been an ongoing debate about which one of us would pilot the journey home.  The driving snow and icy roads were of little concern - our combined 44 years of driving experience had seen us through greater challenges.  Instead, our dilemma was centered around who had more sleep - whose headache was worse - which person's medication bore the pharmaceutical advisory, "should not operate heavy machinery," versus, "do not drive."

I won.

"Just remember, I can drive at any time," Ashley reminded me, as I climbed back into the car having filled up the gas tank.

"Well, if you see me crying while I'm driving, that might be an indication that you should be driving instead," I replied.

She was not amused.

"I would very much like for you to pull over before that happens," she said, grabbing my arm.

"As would I, my dear," I said, looking over at her and smiling.  "I was just trying to find a little humor," I added, hoping to break the tension.

There was an awkward pause, during which Ashley gazed at me, desperately trying to decide whether or not I was serious.   You could practically hear the questions tumbling around in her head.  Would he start crying?  Will he pull over?  Which suitcase did I pack the straight jacket in?  Is there enough room in the back for his body if I just kill him now?

Ethan's voice floated up from the back seat.

"Well," he said of my attempted humor, "it's somewhere but it's not here."

- 25 December 2012

Christmas Eve Mass

"Wow!  That was good church!" Logan announced, as we pulled out of the parking lot when mass had ended.

I completely agree.  Which part did you like the best?  The part where you "helped" the ushers, rolled around on the floor, sat in everyone's lap, loudly critiqued the choir/songs/ugly hats or your continuous obsession about the people sitting in the balcony and how God must have flown them up there to sit?

Just wondering.

- 24 December 2012

Mrs. Nutty

I was keeping Ethan company while he took a shower (I was playing on my iPhone) - a job normally, and sacredly, reserved for his brother who was off spending the night at a friend's house.

"Dad, can I add something to my list?" he asked, from under the spray of water.

He was, of course, referring to his Christmas wish list.

"Like what?" I asked, rolling my eyes and thinking that, by this date, it was all pretty much a done deal.

"Like another nutcracker so that Mr. Nutty won't be lonely.  Then he'll have a friend.  You know...like a girl," he said, not wanting to use the word girlfriend, but wanting to send a clear message all the same.

I just about died.  He wants his nutcracker to find love.  I love that kid!

- 21 December 2012

Feeding Time at the Zoo

The look of mingled fear and desperation?  Oh, that's because Logan isn't providing food fast enough for the cat's liking.  Did I also remember to mention that Oliver is bigger than Logan?

- 6 December 2012

Big What Now?

We join our characters on a typical Wednesday morning.  I have already left for work.  The boys are "ready" for school and are busily playing their standard game of Jack-Ass while Ashley is desperately trying to do her hair without interruption.

"Ooo, rub that in my hair," Ethan said, passing by the bathroom and catching sight of the can.

"No, I don't think so," Ashley said.  There was undoubtedly a "who do you think you're kidding" look that I wish I could have been there to see.

"You're right.  My hair is already big and sexy," he replied, running both hands through his hair and shaking his rear end.

Yikes.

- 28 November 2012

Listening Ears

Logan made these "listening ears" at preschool this afternoon.  I had a different name for them but we'll just stick with listening ears.

- 5 December 2012

Really Young Love

There is nothing like a three-year-old, preschool romance.

"Matilda is the girl of my dreams, Dad!"

- 23 April 2007

Popular

On Friday afternoon, I went to pick Logan up from preschool.

"Dad, I hope my friends don't miss me or they will cry for two whole days," he informed me.

That's oddly specific.

"They will?" I asked.

"Yeah, they will fuss and moan."

Hmm.  That's quite an effect you have on them.  With my friends, it's the other way around - if I'm not gone for two whole days...

- 12 October 2012

Wardrobe Malfunction

"Oh magic, oh magic, oh magic shoes, return to Logan's super hero suit so I can get dressed."

I hate it when my shoes wander off like that - it makes it so difficult to save the world.

- 15 August 2012

Buffet Menu

Meanwhile, back at the Old Country Buffet...

"Can I go get some ice cream now?" Justin asked, displaying his clean plate.

"Just wait for a few more minutes until we're all ready to go," Ashley suggested.

"Okay, but you can't say 'no'.  I ate a butt-load of carrots."

How vivid.

- 1 December 2012

I Spy

See if you can spy the following objects:

"Oh, look!  A peahawk and a corn flake."

...and by peahawk, he means peacock...and by peacock, he means pink flamingo...as for the flake, well, I can think of at least one.

- 1 December 2012

Retrace Your Steps

"Dad, at Joyce's house I stepped in dog poop."

Logan stood in the bathroom preparing for his bath.

"You did?" I asked.

"Yeah."

"Did Joyce help you clean it off your shoe?" I asked.

"No.  It was on my sock," he said, giving them a close examination.

Oh?  Which socks would those be?  Would they be the ones you've been running around the house in all evening?   The ones you were wearing while you were playing on your bed and dancing on the living room furniture and standing in a basket of clean laundry?  Are those the socks we're talking about?

"Dad, if you wash them they will be clean," he told me as he dashed off to the hamper.

Well, thanks for the tip and hooray for the socks!  Meanwhile, just don't sit on the couch.

- 29 November 2012

Batman Versus Skeletor

"Dad, can I watch TV?"

Batman had just shown up with his "cell phone" to make inquiries.

"No," I told him.

"If you don't let me, I'm going to call mom," he said, waving his phone in my direction.

"Why?" I asked.

"To ask her if I can watch TV," he said.

Duh.  Evidently, he had predicted my response and had come prepared.

"Mom," Logan said, into his phone, "Dad's being a Skeletor."

The emphasis on the last word and the dirty look he shot me were meant to reinforce the fact that he had just called me a mean, old, bad guy.

"You should say, 'you can watch TV.'" he continued, in his deepest voice, attempting to mimic Ashley.

He snapped the phone shut and grabbed the remote control from the counter top.

"See?  She said I could."

Is that so?  Well, if it's that easy, I'd like to borrow that magic phone for a minute so I can ask for a raise and an extra week of vacation.

- 29 November 2012

It's a Draw

"Hey, Dad, come back here," Justin said, chasing me up the stairs.  "I'm trying to pants you."

Oh, I'm sorry.  Here, let me stand still.

There was a tugging at my legs followed by an audible expression of disappointment and continued, aggressive attempts to de-pants my person.

Dude, I have sons.  As far as you know, I don't own a single pair of pants or shorts that doesn't have a belt or drawstring...since the day you were born.

- 22 November 2012

Progress

As I passed through the kitchen...

"...and Justin, I need you to read at least one chapter in your book tonight," Ashley said.

"Yes, Mom."

Young man, how dare you speak to your mother that way!  You come back here!  Why, I ought to rinse your mouth...

Hold on a second.

Could you repeat that please?  Just speak slowly and clearly...and into this microphone.

- 18 November 2012

Listen, Do You Smell Something?

"Dad, this cheese tastes smelly.  I can't eat it," he said, handing it back to me.

Logan, would this be the cheese that you talked about all morning, asked me about every five minutes since the end of breakfast and begged and pleaded for?  Would this be the very same cheese that was the crux of your lunchtime plan, without which you would be unable to eat your meal?  That cheese?

Have a seat and chow down, buster.  Oh, and here's a clothespin for your nose.

- 17 November 2012

Prerequisites

"Youth group is scary," Justin piped up on the ride home.

"How so?" I wanted to know.

"It's just scary," Justin said, squirming and shrugging his shoulders.

I could tell he didn't want to start, have or finish this conversation.

"Scary, uncomfortable or scary..." I trailed off, not being certain what I had planned to say next.

"Just some of the things we talk about," he replied.

Oh?  Interesting.  And by interesting I mean, tell me everything...right now!

"Like what?" I said, trying to sound calm.

I was starting to worry.

"Heaven."

Admittedly, I had not seen that coming.  I opened my mouth to speak but closed it again when no words presented themselves.

"Heaven?" I stammered.

"Yeah.  It just sounds like you have to do so much to get in."

Oh, wow.

- 15 November 2012

Mixed Emotions

"I have to go poop...and I love you."

Aww...and eww.

- 15 November 2012

Tastes Like Chicken

"Ew! Your knee tastes gross," Justin exclaimed.

His facial expression betrayed mingled disgust and intrigue.

As it happens, I have a solution for that...and it's not ketchup!

- 10 November 2012

Student of the Quarter

Well done, Justin!

- 9 November 2012

Crafty

Dear Tooth Fairy,

My tooth is in my parent's room on the red flower mat on the (turn over when done) dresser.

Love,

Ethan

Luckily, the Tooth Fairy, being the crafty little devil that he is, found this note under Ethan's bed before it was too late.  We're going to end the story here and completely ignore the explanation as to what I was doing under his bed in the middle of the night in the first place...or how I had completely missed the bloody, calcareous object lying in plain view on my dresser.

- 6 November 2012

Who's In Charge?

Recently, we paid a visit to my in-laws in Pullman.  On this particular trip we were not their only house guests.  Staying along with us were very close friends of the family.  They, being grandparents themselves, were delighted by the boys, and Logan, in particular.

When Sunday arrived and it was time to clean up and head home, Betty decided to pitch in and help Logan clean up his games.  That is to say, Logan decided to watch as Betty cleaned up his games.  Consequently, it gave me no end of grief when she, having disappeared into the basement with an armload of toys only to return minutes later and announce that three cherries were missing from Hi-Ho Cherri-O, was greeted with this reply.

"So what?  I don't care.  I'm not in charge of them."

As difficult as it is to render me speechless, I assure you that I will find the right words when I get my hands on that boy's father - whose direct influence can be blamed for that response.

- 13 October 2012

Told You

I don't care how many of your friends have seen it.  I told you not to watch Paranormal Activity.

- 5 November 2012

Busy

"Da-ad.  Logan spi-lled," Justin announced from the next room, with an air of complete indifference.

Of course he did.

My first thought was, "Clean up on aisle three."  I chuckled but did not respond and continued with my endeavor.

"Dad!"  Ethan came bursting through the door.

Oh, what now?

"Can I have a piece of Halloween candy?  I finished all my lunch," he sang.

"Did you clear off your place at the table?" I asked.  "If you did, then yes."

"Yes," he groaned with exasperation.

The commotion was mounting.

"Dad.  Logan spilled," Justin repeated.  There was definitely more attitude this time.

That's nice.  What do you plan to do about it?

"Dad!" Justin shouted.

"What is it, Justin?!" I asked, angrily.

"Logan spilled!"

"What on earth do you possibly expect me to do about it?" I hollered, "Either help him or tell your mother!"

Good grief!

"Ethan!  What are you still doing here?"

"I'm waiting for an answer," he said irritably.

Oh, for heaven's sake.

"Yes!" I screamed.  "And close the door on your way out!  Meanwhile, I'm busy!"

What was I doing again?

Oh, right...taking a shower!

- 4 November 2012

C is for Cookie

Once we had finished our meticulous correspondence, we took matters into our own hands.

Hooray for eBay!  We froze those puppies and rationed them out.

- 29 January 2009

Optimism

Meanwhile - at the doctor's office this morning...

"Okay, sweetheart," the nurse said.  "You can put your shoes back on and the bottom drawer is full of books."

"This bottom drawer?" he asked, looking up at me and pointing.

"Yes," I said, trying not to roll my eyes until he looked away.  "The only bottom drawer in the room," I mumbled.

Logan took his time rummaging through the dozens of titles packed into the drawer.  At last, he pulled out his selection.

He held the book aloft and cried out with delight, "Ohhh...my favorite book I haven't read yet."

- 2 November 2012

Logan's Greatest Ambition

"I want to be a super hero when I grow up so I can save the world."

You're on your way, Batman.

- 31 October 2012

I Am the Walrus

I left work and returned to the house at seven thirty.  Logan was sick and Ashley had made arrangements to stay home but that meant it was I who was responsible for shuttling the boys to school.  As I pulled into the driveway, I whipped out my telephone.

"Justin," I said, "I'm in the driveway.  Grab your brother and get a move on."

I made to hang up when a peal of laughter in the background, arrested my attempt.

"Yes my sweet, sweet walrus," came the sultry response, followed by additional merriment.

Now, I have been called many things in my day, but I do believe that was a first.

I could hear the sound of the phone being wrenched from the boy's hand.

"Why is he calling you his 'sweet, sweet walrus'?" Ashley inquired.

Darling, sweetheart, love of my life - as you are well aware, he shares our collective genes.  That sentence alone should cover most of your questions regarding our sons.  Apart from that, I have no idea.  In this case, however, I think it's best if we don't ask too many questions - I'm not sure that either of us is prepared for the answers.

- 30 October 2012

My Own Fault

When I relayed this anecdote to a friend of mine, his reply was, "you do set a pretty high standard."

My nine-year-old came to me this weekend to complain that he didn't want to become an adult.

"You guys make it look too hard."

I wish I knew whether or not that was a compliment.

- 27 October 2012

Thirsty?

Now and then, my ADHD takes hold and I am completely unable to shut my mouth.  (Don't ask my wife - she'll just exaggerate.)

"Look, Logan, a limousine."

I can't imagine what made me think that my four-year-old would know what that meant.  He looked wildly, if not blankly, around.

"A lemonade stand?" he asked.

"No, a lim-ou-sine," I repeated, pointing at the opposing left turn lane.

He stared in the direction I was pointing - albeit, toward the sky.

"Stand?" he said.

"Honey, it's a long, long, fancy car," I said, with some exasperation.

He considered the opposing traffic for a third time.

"Where you get lemonade?"

Oh, my goodness.  I am so sorry I opened my mouth.  If I change my answer to "yes," can we please stop having this conversation now?

- 27 October 2012

Hello ADHD

"Ethan is downstairs, playing a game on the iPad - while watching a YouTube video on the computer - while the television is on."

When Ashley came in to tell me about this, my first thought was, "I wonder if he had the telephone in his lap with a friend on the line...or his ear buds in, listening to his iPod too."  Not that I would know anything about that...you know...just wondering.

- 27 October 2012

Deep Pockets

Yesterday, the bill for Ethan's appendectomy finally arrived. 

$18,245.47

Thankfully, insurance covered more than ninety-nine percent...but still.  As I examined the bill, Ethan passed quickly behind me on his way through the kitchen.  I turned around and put out my hand to stop him.

"Hey, Ethan?  Do you know how much it cost to have your appendix removed?" I asked, in mock disbelief.

My question was met with a blank stare.

"Eighteen-thousand dollars!" I exclaimed.

This news startled him.

"Whoa!" he said, and turned to exit, stage left.

"Next time, I think we'll do it here.  You can pick out a shoe to bite on and I'll clear off the dining room table," I called after him.

Nervous laughter echoed up the stairs from the basement.  I continued to examine the bill and mutter under my breath.  Within minutes there was a tap on my shoulder.  I turned and found Ethan standing there, looking quite distressed.

"Do we have enough in our checking account?" he asked.

Oh, bless your heart - no.  But thank goodness it is not necessary.  Next time, I'll also remember to explain about insurance.

- 26 October 2012

You Want to go There?

The second I had finished drying Logan off, after his bath, he began dancing around the bathroom trying to gain access to his new toothbrush.

"Pajamas first, Logan," I reminded him.

There were sounds of disgust and disgruntled nakedness.

"Dad!  I want to brush my teeth!" he shouted.

"Not until you have pajamas on.  There will be no naked tooth brushing tonight.  Go, go, go," I said, shoving him out the door.

More sounds of insubordination including, growling and foot stomping.

"Go, go, go," I said again, pushing him further down the hall and gesturing for him to move in the opposite direction.

"Teeth!" he screamed.

"Pajamas!" I shouted.

I moved around him and made my way to the laundry room.  From the top of the stairs came his angry, teeth-gritting retort.

"Do I have to do everything?"

Remind me which part you already do.

- 25 October 2012

Our Biggest Fans

As fathers, our biggest fans are not always the one's we would expect.  In my heart of hearts, I know that nobody could ever take the place of my boys and nobody could ever take my place in theirs.  Still, it's funny...

I took my sons to the park this afternoon and met up with Jeff's family.  The six kids were having a wonderful time and I was enjoying every minute.  A nearby grandmother noticed how much fun I was having with all of them and inquired as to whether or not they all belonged to me.  I admitted to only three of the boys but Erin was quick to offer Wyatt as a bonus when it was time to go home.

"After all," she said, "he's your biggest fan."

And I am among his, Erin.

Indeed, from the moment he had spotted me it was, "Andy, slide with me," and, "Andy, under-dog."

He wasn't too terribly interested in much else.  Meanwhile, my three sons couldn't have been less concerned if I had been lying under the tires of the local transit authority vehicle.  They, being Jeff's number one fans, were too busy worrying about where one earth he was, instead of being there with them.

Come one, come all - there's room enough for everybody.  Ah, boys, I love you.  All four of you.

- 21 October 2012

Santa

"Where is the north pole?" Logan asked me.

"At the top of the earth," I said, doing my best to hold on to the wheel while indicating the top of what was supposed to be a globe.

Logan, alone in the back seat, had been carrying on a conversation about "arctica" and penguins, so I figured my mid-air-invisible-faux-globe wouldn't be too much of a stretch.

I heard a small gasp.

"You mean Santa lives in space?!"

Sigh.

- 21 October 2012

Nap

"Dad, why do you hate me?"

Oh, for Pete's sake!   I just wanted to take my semi-annual nap.  All I did was ask you to get off of me and down off the bed.  No more screaming in my ear, breathing in my face, slobbering on my shirt and pretending that you're clapping by slapping me on the face.  I am not a tree...you are not a monkey - at least not in the traditional sense.

I hate this conversation...not you!!

- 20 October 2012

Speak Before You Think

Having handily beaten my oldest son in a cart race through the Safeway parking lot, I started my victory dance.  It consisted of nothing more than pointing, laughing and a few well chosen comments about age and skill versus youth and...youth.

"Schmuck!" Justin hollered, punching me squarely on the shoulder.

"Schmesticle!" I hollered back, saying the first thing that sprang into my mind.

Perhaps, at my age, I should put some effort into mastering the whole 'think before you speak' theory.  I'm beginning to wonder if the dirty looks I keep getting from the little old ladies doing their evening grocery shopping is less than coincidental.

- 17 October 2012

Heavy Artillery

After riding him like a pony and shooting him with a zebra - yes, you heard me - Logan chased the cat from the room.  I steered him into the bathroom to brush his teeth where he stopped short and turned around.

"Dad, stop that," he giggled.

I beg your pardon?  It was not I who was just practicing my marksmanship while brushing up on the equestrian arts.

"You stop," I retorted.  "You're the one with the zebra cannon."

I can't believe I just used those words in that order.

- 17 October 2012

Let's Be Honest

Logan is never difficult to find when it comes time for dessert.  This particular evening, dessert was a fairly decadent carrot cake.  When Logan appeared in the kitchen, right on cue, I asked him how large of a slice he would like.  His indication was substantial.

"I just came here for the frosting."

Didn't we all?

- 24 July 2012

Mission Accomplished

"Ethan, let's put Dad out of his business.  Let's not say anything funny so that he has nothing to put on his blog."

Justin sidled up to me, completely unaware that I was furiously typing every word he was saying.

"Dad!  How many blogs do you have [ready to post]?" he demanded.

"130," I replied.

"How often do you post?  Is it like once a week or once a month or what?" he asked.

"Usually, daily," I said, with an enormous grin.

"Ethan!" he shouted, rounding on his brother, "Nothing for 130 days."

"How will I survive?" Ethan moaned, casting a very distraught look over the top of his book.

You won't.

[Insert villainous hand-wringing and maniacal laughter here.]

I will never run out of material.  Thank you, by the way.

- 14 October 2012

Decisions

"Dad, can we go to Bruised and Books this afternoon?"

Ethan, let's review - again.

The store is called Bruised Books.  It is a book store.  They sell used books.

Bruised and Books is an entirely different experience (less shopping, more violence) involving a decidedly unpleasant ruffing up, prior to the perusal and/or purchase of said used books.  I can help you out with either adventure - I just wanted you to have all of the facts before you made your decision.

- 14 October 2012

Advice

Here's a little piece of advice.

If you are about to do something, to one of your brothers, that will require you to immediately turn on the spot and run...perhaps you should not!

Just a thought.

Oh and, by the way, if you decide to do it anyway...you're on your own.

- 13 October 2012

Please

Having just finished watching The Shining, Justin turned to me with a pleading look while Ethan nodded vigerously in the foreground.

"Dad?  After this, please don't scare us in the bathroom like you did after the last one."

I assume that you're referring to the tooth brushing incident that followed your screening of Poltergeist.  Good times...good times.

You have my word that I will not scare you in the bathroom.  Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll be in the garage, looking for my axe.

- 6 October 2012

Break Time

"Today, just because I was laughing in class - I was on my laughing break - I got in trouble," Ethan said.

"Was your break at the same time as a break for everyone else?" I asked.

"Yes.  They just didn't know it."

Perhaps, next time, you could wait until everybody is aware of break time.  This is going to come up during your conference in three days, isn't it?

- 8 October 2012

Little Tush Big Butt

"Logan, put that back!"

It's a theme - nay, a mantra - in our home.  As such, it came as no surprise when Logan led me by the hand to his bedroom this morning, and proudly showed me the half dozen candles carefully arranged on his desk.  Though their conspicuous absence from the living room was not met with the overwhelming joy that had undoubtedly been expected, I was pleased with myself for not being instantly flushed with anger.

Many times, during the course of the previous evening, the mantra had been repeated, varying only in slight degrees.  Over and over again it was echoed, like the sound of a drum keeping time to the rhythm of the decoration process.  If Logan had been given his way, all of the holiday decorations would have made their way steadily down the hall and into his bedroom.

Still, I reminded myself, wasn't it far better to be greeted by the innocuous statement, "Look Dad, I have candles," than the decidedly more unpleasant, "Look Dad, my candles* are on fire"?

Yes.  Yes, it was.

- 8 October 2012

*desk, draperies, bedroom, microwave, cat, brothers.

Magic Words

Hoisting the mattress down from the top bunk, I began to change the sheets.  Logan sat at my feet, a pair of scissors in one hand and his brother's hand-made blanket in the other.  I glanced down just in time to see him line the scissors up and begin to cut.

"Don't you dare!" I shouted, desperate to stop him without letting go of the mattress.  "You put those scissors down right this instant!"

Logan, apparently unfazed, looked up at me.

"Say the magic words," he sang, wearing a grin like a Cheshire cat and re-aligning the scissors.

"Put them down instantly," I said in a low, deadly growl, lips pursed so tightly they barely moved, "or I will spank - your - bottom."

There was a split seconds pause and his smile faltered.

"Those are the right magic words," he said, relinquishing both objects.

- 7 October 2012

The Speech

"Look at what happened to me at the winery yesterday."

Justin pulled back his sleeve to reveal an angry red scrape down one of his arms.

"I was eating some bread and I needed to make a speech so I climbed up on a log..."

Dude, I have completely stopped listening.  Right now, I am very busy trying to figure out where I went wrong.  What did I do to cause you to be at a winery on a Friday afternoon, while your mother and I were at home with your little brothers.  There are so many things out of place here - not the least of which is your last sentence.

- 6 October 2012

Best Friends and Evergreens

The tale of the Patrick Pine will be a part of our family's lore forever.  Indeed, it is a fantastic story, but for another day.  For now, a lesson of friendships and evergreens.

"Justin, are you finished with your homework?" I asked, as he bounded down the stairs and opened the door.

"No."

"Then you need to sit down at the table and finish it," I said.

"I will.  I just need to find out what's wrong with Ethan.  He just ran out the back door."

I had, in fact, heard the back door open and close but paid it little attention as I assumed no one had left the house, so soft were the exiter's footfalls.  Justin returned a moment later and headed back to the kitchen table. 

"Well?" I asked, expectantly.

"Oh.  He said something about a tree," Justin reported.  "He just will not accept that his tree is dead."

I was saddened by these words.  The tree was everything to him - a gift from a friend, now departed, representing everything that was right in his world.  Ethan had sprinted out of the house, in a mild panic, just as he had done each day since our return from Sunriver.   His mission was to give his tree, the Patrick Pine, every ounce of attention and care that he could muster, no matter how futile the effort.

"If I were him, I wouldn't accept it either," I replied.  "If my best friend, that I had had nearly my entire life, moved two states away - and all that he had left behind for me to remember him with was a pine tree - I wouldn't let it go either."

As the silence that followed my statement filled the room, a voice in the back of my head reminded me that I too was facing a similar prospect, though doubtful I would be as fortunate to have a pine tree to look after.

"I have only had two best friends in my lifetime," I continued.

I could see Justin giving careful consideration to my words.   No doubt he suspected that, for a man of my advanced age, to have only had two best friends was very unusual.   After all, had I not been personally acquainted with Moses?

The first one came into my life in the sixth grade, only to leave, rather quickly, in the tenth.  Unfortunately, I let our friendship go without a fight.  It was a very hard lesson to learn and I will not make that mistake a second time.

"I wouldn't give up on it either," I said, again, of the tree.

I didn't know how to finish that thought.  Secretly, I knew Ethan's greatest fear - if the tree died, Patrick would no longer be his friend.  Tears began to well up in my eyes as thoughts of my own best friend and Ethan's heartache over his dying tree passed across my mind, so I turned and walked away.

Ethan, have no fear - rest your mind and your heart.  God will not give you more than he knows you can handle.  Like an evergreen tree, your friendship with Patrick is hearty - able to withstand the harsh extremes and tough times but ready to flourish when the time is right.  Your friendship will endure even if the symbol that represents it does not.

Now, put down the watering can and go call Patrick.

- 4 October 2012

Whatever Works

After last night's Troop meeting, Justin climbed into the truck.

"Mr. Seymour asked us why we trust him and I wanted to raise my hand and say, 'Because of your mustache.'"

"Why didn't you?" I inquired.

"Because we were trying to be serious.  But, Dad," he said looking over at me, "I am being serious."

I'm not sure if I should laugh or be alarmed.  Perhaps I'll feel better if I just laugh alarmingly.

- 2 October 2012

There's a Dance for That

Logan has a dance for everything.  There is a dance for every situation, every occasion and every state of being.

Tantrum?  There's a dance for that.

Hamburgers for dinner?  There's a dance for that.

Tuesday afternoon?  There's a dance for that.

This phenomenon has not gone unnoticed by the rest of the family either.  Justin sat, silently watching his brother in semi-amazement.  He looked over at me, sitting on the opposite couch, and shook his head.

"A dance for playing.  A dance for getting his spoon.  A dance for step number 435...437," he said.

Don't I know it!  A dance for shopping (amusing)...a dance for escalators (dangerous)...a dance for sitting (odd)...a dance for dancing (fascinating).

- 2 September 2012

Dress-Down FAIL

We've been after Justin, about the rules of PE, since day one.  Finally, in week number four, the stars aligned.  Objections to dressing down - quashed.  All day wearing of gym clothes because the bells are too close together - busted.  Combination lock - mastered.  The final hurdle to overcome was carrying his gym bag to every class.

"That's why you have a gym locker," we repeatedly insisted.

Our assertions were to no avail so, over the weekend, we had a little talk.  As we prepared for school on Monday morning, Justin and I rummaged through the clean but unfolded laundry in search of the specific shirt and shorts.  I threw in a last minute reminder.

"Leave your gym clothes in your locker and bring them home at the end of each week to be washed.  Or, at least bring them home before they wander home on their own."

We located the articles and I left for work, knowing he would finally leave them at school.

That afternoon, I picked Justin up on my way home from work.  As we came in the back door, I spied the gym bag, still full, in his hand.  Grr, after all that!

"Why isn't that in your locker at school?" I asked, irritation mounting.

"Because you gave me your 'Beer Pong' shirt," he replied.

Oh.

- 24 September 2012

A Matter of Interest

"Dad, I'm not insturested in going potty."

Yeah, well, I'm not insturested in finding out if the magic eraser will get poop off the couch.  March!

- 5 August 2012

How to Speak Oy

"Oh!" Ethan groaned.

Holy cow!  We were standing in the kitchen watching the news and getting ready for school.  Ethan was nearly doubled over, bracing himself against the stove.

What's wrong?  Did you hurt your stitches?  Did you forget about a test?  Is Timmy trapped in the well?  What is it?  What happened?  There was so much anguish backing his outburst that it had to be something major.

"I have so many questions to ask God," he continued.

I felt such a strange mixture of relief, intrigue and confusion.

"Like what?" I asked, trying to sound casual and hoping that I had managed to suppress the giggle.

"Like, 'Why is it called basketball?' and stuff like that," he shrugged.

Ethan, there is no doubt in my mind that God is as excited to tell you as you are to ask him.

- 18 September 2012

Buns

"I don't like you at the kind of moment," Logan informed me, when I arrived at the bathroom for the post-evacuation clean up.

I had only just sprinted up the stairs, barely managing to snag his shirt collar as his naked little buns scurried around the corner and into his bedroom.

"Why?" I asked, as a matter of interest, dragging him back to the toilet.

"Because you ignored me," he said.

Ha!  You're upset because I caught you.  Two more seconds and I would have been wiping more than your fanny.  Just because you waited until I was using the vacuum in the farthest corner of the basement, to call me telepathically, doesn't mean that I was ignoring you.  (As far as you know.)  And, believe me, I wasn't about to ignore a half-naked boy in mid-wipe, attempting to escape the bathroom unnoticed.

I may not be a lot of things...but I am a boy!

- 16 September 2012

Grading Scale

At the dinner table this evening, the standard discussions were well under way.  Everyone was loudly reporting the events of the day. 

"So, after your doctor's appointment you made it back in time for first period, right?" I asked Justin across the table.  "At least part of it?" I added.

"Yeah, I made it in time to take my test and everything," he said, brightly.

Test?  That's funny, as your homework buddy, I do not recall any mention of a test.  Would you care to elaborate?

"And I got a seventy percent.  Isn't that good?" he asked, expecting the answer, 'yes'.

"Um, seventy percent is a C...a C minus," I said, frowning.  "What was this test in?"

I could see Ethan, out of the corner of my eye, watching this exchange like a tennis match.

"Spanish vocabulary," he said, slightly crestfallen.

Eeeee...

Ashley and I continued the now one-sided conversation, outlining our expectations for the future and reminding him that his very first middle school test had resulted in 100 percent because he had studied.  It can be done!

I got up from the table in search of a second helping of pizza.  Ethan followed me into the kitchen.

"Dad," he said, leaning in close.  "Does C stand for...crap?"

- 14 September 2012

It's What's for Dinner

Logan was darting in and out of the kitchen while I was trying to prepare dinner.  He was experiencing one of his usual bouts of whyarrhea and I had shifted into nod-and-smile mode. 

"What's duck duck goose?" he asked.

"I don't know," I replied, completely distractedly.

He was not to be deterred.

"Dad, what's duck duuuck goose?" he insisted.

"Oh, it's a game," I said, re-reading the directions for a third time and attempting to measure out some ingredients.

"No.  What's this stuff," he asked, shaking a box in my face that he had just pulled off the counter.

The sound it was making brought me back to my senses.  Clearly, in four-year-old-world, there was a connection between this box and duck, duck goose.  In my world, the only connection to that box, was dinner.  I slowly focused in on the package. 

"Oh!  Couscous.  Honey, that says 'Couscous,' not duck, duck goose."

- 13 September 2012

Change of Plans

"Dad, can Luke come with us to the movie theater to see Finding Nemo?"

"No," I said, lifting him into the truck.

"Oh," he replied.

"It's just going to be our family," I explained.

"And not the kitty?" he asked, as though this were a complete shock.

"No," I said, tilting my head to one side.

We stopped doing that after the theater complained.  Besides, he hogged all the popcorn and always spilled his drink and, oh yeah, he's a cat!

Speaking of drinks...

- 13 September 2012

France

After seeing this photo of my high school music building on Facebook, I mentioned, aloud, that it was, "too late for me to visit the old Ferris because they had already started the demolition."  My heart was heavy.

"Are they destroying the Eiffel Tower?"

Ethan looked horrified. 

"Ferris, Ethan.  Not Paris.  Ferris...High School."

- 1 September 2012

Zoinks

Justin and Ethan were having one of their standard discussions in the car, when suddenly...

"I was playing this game called 'Protect My Nuts,'" Justin said.

Zoinks!  Were you now?  Only four days of middle school and this is where we are?  Back in my day, we played a similar game called Dodge Ball.  And just where was this all taking place and who were you with?

He must have caught sight of the look of suspicion on my face.

"Oh, you are a squirrel," he added, quickly.

Ah, video games.  No, my friend, I believe it is you that is the squirrel.

- 9 September 2012

Roll Call

I am looking forward to a day when 3-year-old bath time doesn't involve Penis Roll Call.  That is to say, that the blanket statement, "all boys have a penis and all girls don't" doesn't seem to suffice.  Instead, we have to individually go through our entire genealogy and half the city...every night.

- 8 September 2011

The Important Things In Life

A few days ago, Logan discovered Justin's (and subsequently Ethan's) old Fisher-Price digital camera.  After a new set of batteries and 7 minutes of exploration, off he went.  He was thrilled!  Pictures (literally hundreds) were taken, discarded, re-taken and pondered over.  The entire afternoon was spent staging scenes and snapping photos.

When it came time for bed, the meltdown that ensued was epic in proportion.  It would seem that we failed to properly disclose that fact that the camera would not be going to bed with the boy.

"I want all of my pictures in a book that I took with my camera," he explained.

"You do?" I asked, considering what that might look like.

I didn't have to wait long in order to find out.

"Yes.  Ethan's butt...Mommy...the light in the living room.  Oh no!" came his horrified exclamation.  "I forgot to picture the telephone!"

Well, God forbid.

- 27 March 2012

Sidetracked

Ethan was apparently in pain after hurting himself.

"I'm like a weak old grandpa now that I'm shaking of (from) pain...no, wait...when they're holding on to their stick thingy's (canes), that's when they shake."

I love how, at five, you are so distracted by your own thoughts that you have probably forgotten all about your injury.

- 15 October 2008

That's a Wrap

Since school started, I have been parking my car in the alley behind the house.  This morning, Logan and I got into the car and headed to the babysitter.

"Dad, there's bird tinkle and bird wrap on your windshield."

So there is.  Let's practice calling it "bird poop" before we tell your mother.

- 20 Sept 2011

Ruined

While having his hair cut, the subject of the fair came up.  Ethan eagerly shared his master plan, including the order in which he intended to conquer the rides.  Much to his dismay, however, he was unable to say, "Ferris wheel," saying instead, "Ferris weasel."

"Uh!  Logan!  He's ruined me!"

- 31 August 2012

Smash Up

"What song should I sing, Logan?" I asked.

"You Are My Sunshine," he said, brightly.

Even in the dark I could see the scowl forming on his face as I began to sing.

"You are not doing it right," I was informed.

Really?  I am fairly certain that I was.

"How should I sing it," I asked.

He thought about it for a moment and then boldly struck out into new musical territory.  What came next was a combination of The Happy Wanderer and the Lucky Charms jingle sung to the tune of You Are My Sunshine...with apples, soup and zombies thrown in for good measure.

I really wish I had had the video camera.

"I love to wander in the sunshine...

with hearts and stars and clovers that are gray...

with apples and soup...

and zombies on the mountain track."

I wonder what kind of soup it was.

- 3 September 2012

Alias

Even though it was only ten o'clock in the morning, it had been a very long day.  Justin, Logan and I had just returned home from their first visit to the hospital where Ashley and Ethan had been since midnight.  The two boys had been up since six and everything was on it's head.

I had been back and forth all morning and tensions were running high.  Both boys were getting on each other's nerves.  As I grabbed a few provisions and prepared to return to the hospital, they found themselves facing the prospect of having to keep each other company for what seemed like the nine-hundredth time that day.  Justin was not excited about babysitting...again.  His frustration was evident.

"I've got to find a movie that The Cheek can watch that will last forever," Justin said, rummaging through the DVD case.

We call him "Logan" now.  Mom and I even had his birth certificate changed.

- 18 August 2012

Chilly

While waiting for the parade to begin...

"Look, two heads in one jacket," Logan said, after stuffing himself into my sweatshirt along with me.

"And four legs," Ethan chimed in.

"Do you know how many butt cheeks that would be?" Justin added gleefully.

Well, let's see, there's you - that makes one...

- 1 September 2012

Starship 2000

What do you get when you mix too much sun, not enough water and a ride on the Gravitron?

The Vomitron.

Sorry, Ethan, we gave you some really bad advice.

- 31 August 2012

Rebuttal

Every now and then, even Grandma has to read the little dickens the riot act.  It is possible, however, that Grandma met her match in this 2-year-old.

"Grandma, I don't want to hear another word about it."

- 17 August 2003

The Ferris Wheel

The Walla Walla Fair and Frontier Days fair begins tomorrow and preparations are in full swing.  As we stepped out of the car at a restaurant across the street from the fairgrounds, Logan caught sight of his favorite attraction.

"Oooooo, I see the fairest weasel."

- 28 August 2012

The Forever Button

I put the dish I was preparing into the microwave and set the timer.  With 20 minutes to spare before lunch would be ready, I wandered into the living room and had a seat.  It didn't take long before Logan appeared, dancing apprehensively.

"Dad, are you cooking this so long (too long)?" he asked me.

"No," I said.  "It's okay."

It was plain to see that he did not believe me and that this answer was less than adequate.  Obviously, I had misunderstood the question.  Get with it, Dad!  Lives and property are at stake...or at least lunch is, and you are clearly not providing suitable levels of comfort with your crazy pacifying responses.

"But you'll cause a fire like I did," he insisted, "...'cause I cooked popcorn."

Yes, the telephone call and the fire chief's voice are permanently burned into my memory.  Believe me, I appreciate your concern.  Let it be know that I have read the instructions and know how to avoid the Forever Button.

- 25 August 2012

Channeling

"The only way you can scratch yourself now, in my world, is with your teeth.  It'll be really hard to scratch your back."

As I sat in the next room, listening to Ethan expound this new decree, a retort immediately came to mind.  While the thought took shape in my head, Justin instantly spoke it word for word.

"Or your butt," he said.

- 26 August 2012

My Favorite Part

August 19, 2012.  Apprehension was mounting. 

"I hope they didn't ruin my belly button," Ethan said.  "That was my favorite part."

Less than 24 hours after coming home from the hospital, he sounded mildly upset.  The appendectomy was a success but now three bandages covered Ethan's torso.  I knew that this had been a major source of concern, since the day of his surgery, worsened by the fact that he could not verify my reassurances while the evidence remained covered.  The discharge papers read, "remove outer bandages on the second day," so we had to wait.

Finally, the second day arrived.  Ethan was nervous about hurting his stitches as we removed the coverings but his anxiety over whether or not his belly button would still be undamaged overrode all other feelings.  We carefully detached all three dressings to reveal...a whole navel.  Hooray!

I was nearly as relieved as Ethan.  I'm still not sure what I would have said if it has been missing.  I suppose we could have changed his name to Adam.

The following day, when I came home for lunch, the entire family set out for a walk - doctor's orders.

"How are your wounds doing?" I asked.

"Good," Ethan replied, pulling up his shirt to show me.

"See, Ethan?  They didn't cut open your belly button so your favorite part is still in tact," I reminded him, trying to cheer him up as I could see that he was feeling the discomfort of this excursion.

"My second favorite, actually," he said.

My brain jammed.  Ashley threw me a look that said, "if he says what I think he's going to say, he's all yours."  I could hear the distant sound of screaming.  Somehow I managed to keep walking as I braced myself for the impact of the next words.

"My favorite part is my tongue."

Oh.  Wait, what?

"It's like a little pet."

So many questions answered, all at once.  So many more taking shape.

- 21 August 2012

Piano Recital

Beethoven was deaf.

Irving Berlin was clinically depressed.

Tchaikovsky was bipolar.

Logan was naked.

 

- 19 August 2012

Brothers

"Ethans's grossness is wanting to make me sick," he hollered from atop his bunk.

Hey, Number Three!  Pipe down and go to sleep - and Ethan, quit freaking him out with your stitches.

- 22 August 2012

Literary Critic

"Do you want to watch the movie?" I asked.

"What movie?" Logan wanted to know.

"Mirror Mirror," Ashley said.  "It has Snow White in it."

"What else?" he demanded.

"Seven dwarfs." I replied.

"Does it have my Little Mermaid?" he asked.

"Let's just say we'll watch and see.  We don't know because we haven't seen it either." Ashley said.

"Snow White...yuck.  I read that book and it annoys me," he muttered.

Ah, to be three again.  Not a care in the world apart from nap time, snack time and the avoidance of annoying literary works.

- 11 August 2012

What the Neighbors Must Think

"I have to go pee," Logan said.

That's nice.  Do I really need to be involved?

"Then go," I encouraged, noticing that he was just standing there grabbing his groceries.

He danced off in the direction of the back door and I went back to setting the sprinkler.  A few minutes later, he rounded the corner of the house having noticeable trouble hitching up his britches. 

Dear Logan,

As you know, I have been a father for nearly twelve years.  You, sir, are my third child and third son.  I feel it only fair to remind you that, as I am a boy myself, there are very few things you can do that I have not already done myself.  That being the case, I am usually at least one step ahead of you and, on the rare occasion that I am not, will more than likely figure out what is going on before you have a chance to cover it up - whatever it may be.

Sincerely, Dad

"Where did you go pee?" I asked, suspiciously, knowing that the front door was locked and the back door had not been opened.

He immediately stopped rearranging his drawers and stood there starring at me.  His stunned silence was very reassuring.

I asked again.

"In the grass," he said.

"Show me," I commanded.

He nervously led me to the front yard where lay the unsuspecting patch of lawn and accompanying rose bush, having been marked like so much territory.  And this family wonders why we don't have a dog - as if I needed one more thing to pee on the grass.

Oh, shoot, we've been spotted.  Just smile and wave.  "Hello, Mrs. Brown.  Yes - lovely evening.  Indoor plumbing?  Why yes, just installed yesterday.  We're not quite used to it yet.  What's that?  Yes, I quite agree - the recycling toter is a rather dangerous place to be playing hide-and-go-seek while it's still parked on the street.  Rather unsanitary.  By the way, thank you for calling the fire department last week.  Say hello to Mr. Brown."

- 15 August 2012

Third Time's the Charm

"And the best part is...it wasn't my fault this time!"

Yes, Justin, that's the best part.  Words only an older brother with a shady track record could utter.  After stitches on Christmas Eve and a broken leg from some idiot tent pole game, Ethan finally managed to land himself in the hospital of his own accord.  Now, would you please adopt an appropriate bedside manner before we get to his room or you're going to give him the wrong impression.  I understand your giddy, guilt-free excitement, but get a grip!

- 18 August 2012

That Sound

"Hey, what's that sound?" Logan asked.

"Which sound?" I asked, attempting to clarify.

"The sound I hear," he answered, his reply containing the slightest edge.

Oh, of course.  Thank you for clearing that up.  It was either the sound of my brain exploding or the sound of crazy.  Does that help?

- 15 August 2012

Father of the Year

"Youch!"

Here's a little piece of advice: When your son has had abdominal surgery, and you place him in the car in preparation to take him home from the hospital - don't fasten the seat belt across his lap!

Words to live by.

- 18 August 2012

Well It's No Wonder

"You're acting like an old man on Sunday.  Pay attention."

Justin!

• First of all, stop referring to your mother as an old man.
• Secondly, quit harassing her while she's driving.
• In the third place, consider what she's going through.  She had to drive ten miles in the dark - to a winery out in the country - to locate a place that she had never been before - by following directions that you gave her - to pick up you and your friend - accompanied by your brothers, and your father and his best friend who had been sampling their special adult lemonade.  Meanwhile, the only other person in the car that had ever been to the winery before was busy making tasteless jokes in the back seat with his friend, while trying to shout overriding directions through the din when your navigational edict directed her to turn left into the side of a cliff.

A lesser person would have cracked.  There were nine different conversations happening simultaneously even though there were only seven people in the car.  The only difference between that excursion and a clown car routine was that nobody had multi-colored hair.  It's a wonder we all made it back alive.

By the way, you should be so lucky to drive as well as she does!

- 16 August 2012

Good Decision

"Do you want to hear my Scooby-Doo joke?" Logan asked.

"Sure," I said.

There was an awkward dance accompanied by an averted gaze.  The look on his face told me that he was expecting me to say, "No."  I was getting the idea that this may not be an appropriate joke and a few important questions began to form in my mind.  Note to self: have a little chat with the older boys when they get home.

Logan ran off in the direction of the front yard so I returned to my writing.  After a minute or so, he appeared at my side looking like the cat who swallowed the canary.  I gave him an expectant look.

"Did you hear my joke from the front yard?" he asked nervously.

"No.  Should I have?" I inquired.

"Do I need to say it again a little louder?" he asked.

"Do you?" I wondered.

"I think I will tell you a different joke," he said.

I think you will too.

- 17 August 2012

No Time for Chitchat

"Look, Dad!" Logan shouted.

He was running towards me with his hands full of something.

"It's just like pudding!" he exclaimed, with an excited grin splitting his face.

Despite it being frantically waved in my face, I could see the object clearly.  It was, in fact, a box of JELL-O pudding mix.

"Yes.  It's exactly like pudding," I chuckled.

"Just don't waste time," he said.  "I want it for dessert."

Well, don't just stand there...start cooking dinner!  Apparently, I'll be busy with dessert.

- 14 August 2012

What Did You Say?

What Ashley said.

"Logan, don't pee off the deck."

What Logan heard.

- 6 August 2012

Geography Lesson

On the last day of Ashley's class reunion, we were tossing around plans to visit friends next summer at their home in Chicago.

"Where is Chicago?" Justin asked.

"In Illinois, right in the middle of the country," I said, indicating the general east to west location.

"I thought Chicago was in California," he replied.

Would you be kind enough to remind me of that when we get home?  I would like to have a word with one of your teachers.

- 5 August 2012

Arachnophobia

Ashley and I were debriefing the day's events when we were interrupted by a shriek of terror.  We paused our conversation to see if there would be a follow-up scream.

          [In our house, sock-curling screams of absolute terror are often used across multiple spectra of emotion.  For example, the same horrified squeal of agony has been used for both a broken leg and a hangnail.]

When none came, we resumed.

"Dad!" Logan screamed, "Sara sponda...rrr...rrr...map!"

It was difficult to pinpoint the exact cause of distress through the crying.

Translation: "There is a spider under my map!"
Re-Translation: "A spider just ran under my instructions and I can't finish playing this game until I can safely touch the instructions...which I can't."

This process would be a lot simpler if children would learn to calmly shriek in terror and dispense with all of the unnecessary crying, dancing and pointing.

When I got there, I found that it was, indeed, a bit larger and more spry than I was used to but I prevailed in the end.

"There, I got him," I announced.

"Is he dead?" Logan wanted to know.

"Yes," I said, triumphantly.

"And he's not going to come to life again?"

Now, I know that this little devil was a little more athletic than I  had expected, but do you often find that happening in this house?  Because that would have been good information to have right up front.

- 4 August 2012

Short Career

"Logan, you know that song you sing that goes..." Ethan hummed a few bars, "can you sing that for ET?"

"I don't do that kind of stuff," Logan stated, matter-of-factly.

"Pleeease, Logan," Ethan begged.

"No, I can't.  I don't sing anymore."

This explains a great deal because I'm pretty sure what I heard was, "No, I won't because you asked me to, and, by the way, I don't cooperate anymore."  I feel your pain, Ethan.

- 5 August 2012

Logan to English Dictionary

Never wanting to be left out, especially when it comes to reading labels and signs, my three-year-old refuses to let the fact that he can't read stand in his way.  As we walked past a building bearing the label, "Bennington Properties Dog Wash," he said,

"Do you see what that sign says?  It says, 'Explosions happen here...don't freak out!'"

I promise not to freak out but I cannot speak for those poor doggies.

- 8 August 2012

What Time Do You Open?

Among the other fun-filled adventures that were had by the boys today was a trip to the bounce-n-barf.  This outing to the bouncy castle park was a special treat from Grandma that the boys relished.  Logan, in particular, had been making inquiries about going since we arrived and, now that he had had a taste of the head-exploding-fun, couldn't get enough.  Even as he drifted off to sleep he was laying the ground work for another visit.

"Tomorrow, can we go to the bouncy castle?  They open at six a quarter to seven-o-nine.  So we should go there.  Okay?"

Yes.  I'll be sure to set my alarm for thirteen o'clock.

- 8 August 2012

Tongue Twister

"Dad, I'm trying to pull my tongue out," he said, grabbing it with both hands and pulling as hard as he could.

"Why are you doing that, again?" I wanted to know.

It wasn't that I wanted to know as much as I thought it would be an important piece of information to provide to the ER attendant.

"Cause I want to see if my tongue is still orange."

You know, I'm really glad I saw you eat that entire box of orange Tic Tacs - it will save me the trouble of calling the men in white coats.  By the way - remind me to tell you all about mirrors.

- 5 August 2012

Little Devil

Why can’t you use your powers for good instead of evil?

After waiting me out once he had been told not to play that irritating Scooby Doo episode on a loop, he started up the DVD player.

"You little devil,” I said grinning.  “You're wearing that hat so that we can't see your horns.”

"I'm not dumb," he said. 

- 27 July 2012

Missing You II

This summer, we payed a visit to Grandma's house despite the fact that Grandma and Grandpa were out of town.  As if that weren't strange enough, the second night found both Justin and Ethan spending the night at a friend's house, which left Logan, Ashley and me to fend for ourselves.  Logan missed his boys and didn't like sleeping in the big bed all by himself.  He made a special flower for each of them and left them on their respective sides of the bed for when they got back.

- 5 August 2012

Survey Says

"My babysitter was really nice," Logan said, as he bounded down the stairs and into our room at six o'clock this morning.  "Every kid in the city likes her."

I told you she didn't want to fatten you up and pop you into her oven.

- 5 August 2012

The Babysitter

See if you can spot the boy who is used to being babysat by his older brothers and is now facing the prospect of the unknown and unrelated.

"Is my babysitter nice to children?" Logan asked nervously as he trailed along behind me.  "I'll behave," he added.

- 4 August 2012

Rainbow

"You should try some.  It's really good."

Oh boy, if I had a nickel.

Logan had been trailing me throughout the house for the better part of an hour, jabbering away.  I was attempting to prepare for the imminent arrival of house guests and he was attempting to carry on one of a thousand conversations that he had apparently stored up since bedtime last night.  Not only did I have no idea what we were talking about but now he had me cornered in the guest room.

I had to plan my next response carefully.  Too many times I have been humoring along a conversation, only to arrive at a point where I had inadvertently agreed to something, and later, suffered the dire consequences when that something either did or did not occur.

"It will make you have..." he trailed off.

There was a pause, during which I couldn't decide whether or not I hoped he would say, "a party in your mouth."

"...a fun time in your head," he finished.

I tried not to guffaw.

"That must be really good," I agreed, although I still didn't know what we were talking about.

"Ya," he said, "and you will be able to turn the whole world into a rainbow!"

Wow.  Part of me wishes that I had been paying more attention.  The other part of me is wondering whether or not the house would be instantly clean and my chores would be done if the whole world were, in fact, a rainbow.

- 3 August 2012

The Final Piece of the Puzzle

"Logan, have you seen the cat?" Ashley asked.

"Yes," he said.  A mischievous grin had appeared on his face which bordered on evil.

"Have you been torturing him again?" she inquired.

"I scared him with my blankies and rode him like a horsey.  Now he's under your bed."

Finally I understand.  The cat urinates on everything because we have literally scared the pee out of him.  It has nothing to do with revenge.

- 3 August 2012

Not So Smooth

"Trim your scratches.  I like you smooth," Logan said, gingerly caressing my week-long beard.

Good grief, you sound just like your mother.

- 29 July 2012

Talking Loudly

Can you not talk loudly?  No.  No, I don’t think so.

We entered a restaurant in Salmon Idaho.  The boys were quiet but irritated.  They had just been chastised for talking too loudly.  So unnecessarily loudly.  At the house, in the car, anywhere and everywhere.

With all the cheek he could muster, Logan asked in a heavy whisper,

"Can we talk loudly in here?"

Seriously, do you know any other way?

- 25 July 2012

Sick

"Dad!"  Logan came running into the room and climbed onto my lap.  "The kitty tried to bauf [barf] on me and I runned away."

"He did?" I asked.

"Ya, you know, like when we puke on the highway," he nodded.

Yes, I know what you're referring to and so often I wish I could have runned away too.  Hooray for car sickness.  Now, what do you suppose the cat's problem is?

- 31 July 2012

Hunters and Gatherers

Logan and I went out to inspect the garden.  Many a vegetable were ready to harvest.

"Dad, can I help you capture the zucchini?" he asked excitedly.

Of course.  Now, we'll need a dart gun, a net and a plan.

- 22 July 2012

Cat Lover

"Does heaven have cats and dogs that have died?" Logan asked.

"Yes," came our reply.

"Why are the dogs in cages?"

I don't know.  I wish I did, but I don't.

- 26 July 2012

Vowel Trouble

"How did...that dollar?" Ethan asked.

I missed the middle of the question because of the general commotion in the car.  From what I was able to glean, Ethan was either asking about the sudden appearance of the dollar in his brother's hand or the dollar he himself had earned the previous day.

"Are you asking about your dollar or are you asking about a dollar that's none of your business?" I inquired.

The answer came to him before my question even registered in his brain.

"Oh yeah," he said, referring to his own dollar, "for cleaning the pati...whatever."

"O, Ethan!  Pati-O. Patio!"

Good grief.

- 4 July 2012

Dandelions

"Look, I have a blow flower."

- 22 July 2012

Bring a Map

"Let's go to Miloozabum," Ethan suggested.

??

Should we?  Do we know where that is?  The confusion was obviously well placed upon our collective faces, so Ethan pressed on.

"You know, where Aunt Deb is," he patiently explained, with the air of exasperation one gets when being forced to point out the obvious.

Oh!  Missoula.  I'll put away my map of Crazyland and dig out the map of Montana.

- 25 July 2012

Welcome to My Chair

"Oh gosh!" Ethan exclaimed.

Ethan continued to sit in Jessie's chair despite being "attacked".  She really liked Ethan and nearly licked his face off.  Seconds after this photo was taken, she turned around and rubbed her butt in his face as if to say, "you haven't seen my butt yet, have you?"

- 24 July 2012

Name That Tune

"What's this from?" Justin asked of the music now being played.

The radio was tuned to NWPR and an excerpt of Stravinsky's Petrushka issued forth.  This particular excerpt is akin to the movie soundtrack of a psycho thriller.

"I know this!" he said, shaking his finger at the dashboard.

Though familiar, my mind drew a blank - in large part to Justin's sudden interest in classical music and my confusion over his use of those words in that order.  You know Stravinsky?

"What's this from?"

From?  The only logical answer he could possibly be seeking (that made sense in my head) was the time that the song had started playing.

"From seven," I ventured, glancing at the clock.  "Thirty-one?" I added.

The time of day had to be the answer he was looking for, I told myself.  Impressed though I may have been, surely he wasn't going to say, "Stravinsky!  Of course!"

"I know this," he repeated, "it's Peter Cotton Tail."

Even though I heard exactly what he said, I assumed he meant Prokofiev's Peter and the Wolf.  Then it dawned on me that he was serious.

"Here comes Peter Cotton Tail?" I exclaimed in disbelief.  "With what, a knife, in the night, to kill us?"

You see, Petrushka is to Peter Cotton Tail as Jaws is to the wedding march.  I was flabbergasted.  How could Justin have mistaken this music for Peter Cotton...hold on a second.  Crap!  I completely fell for it.  It is usually very difficult to pull one over on me as I am a very suspicious man.  I can't believe I didn't recognize the signs and see that one coming since he learned his leg-pulling technique from me.  Clearly he had refined his skills.

When we had finished our grocery shopping, we piled into the truck and were under way once again.  Stravinsky continued to play - a different piece, but still very much the same style.

"Wait.  I know this," Justin said, again.  "What's it from?"

There was a moment in which my brain paused to marvel, with impressed disbelief, at Justin's knowledge of classical music.  Apparently, I was not going to be quick to learn this lesson.

"Sesame Street?" he asked aloud.  "No, that's a different horror movie."

Punk!

- 17 July 2012

Preemptive Strike

Logan lay in bed, waiting for me to sing a bedtime song.

"Eww.  I smell rhubarber sauce," he said, wrinkling his nose.

And?

"It's not going to be very good," he pointed out.

Punk.  I am impressed that you know what rhubarb is, let alone smells like, but don't you have to taste it before you hand out the blue ribbon?  As a matter of interest, do you often have occasion to sample rhubarber sauce?

"I don't want to taste any," he said.

Fine.  I've heard a rumor that it's not going to be very good anyway.

- 29 June 2012

Musical Chairs

While out on the patio, tending the barbecue, I didn't realize that I was not alone.

"I'n a singing table...and I'n not named Logan."

I could see a pair of eyes peeking through the slats in the table.  It reminded me of when the boys used to play hide-and-seek and tell me where they were going to hide before the game started.  Very entertaining.

- 16 July 2012

Broken Record II

After repeating her instructions a dozen times, Logan looked around with a grin.

"Mom, you're broken," he said.

- 18 July 2012

Mac 'n Cheese

"Can you get the sliver out of my finger?" Logan asked.

"You told me I had to wait until tomorrow," I reminded him.

"No, I want you to do it now," he said, with an apparent but reluctant change of heart.  "You said it wouldn't hurt."

I lied.

"I said I would do my best not to make it hurt," I warned.

"Okay.  I don't want blood to shoot out my finger," he said, carefully examining the splinter.  "...or macaroni and cheese," he added.

Me either.  I'll do my best but I don't know how good that will be.

- 16 July 2012