Super

"Mom, where are we going?" Logan asked Ashley for the seventh time since we climbed into the car.

She had told us both a dozen times and I was too busy trying to remember the reason she had given for going on this errand to be paying much attention.

Upon arrival, there was further nonspecific chattering as we disembarked and made our way across the parking lot of Super One Foods.  Logan skipped and flailed, keeping up a semi-private running commentary as he negotiated his way over all of the cracks in the pavement (no doubt, you will all recall the importance of this game as a 3-year-old).  I kept hearing him say, "Super One, Super One," as though he were singing.  The closer we got to the store, the more dejected the song became.

When we reached the entrance, he cast me a disappointed look and said,

"I wish the workers would build Super Two."

Clearly, this song needs a second verse or this album will never go platinum.

- 31 May 2012

The New BFF

"Grace and Olivia and Wyatt - they are my favorite best friends."

FBF - add that to the Periodic Table of Texting.

- 11 May 2012

Windex

As we passed the glass wall of the candy store, I heard a voice from behind.

"Oh...cannndy," Ethan sighed.

"Don't lick the glass, it's unsightly," I said, having doubled back to steer him forcibly away from the store by the shoulders.

Would you like a Handi Wipe for your tongue?

- 27 May 2012

Human Growth and Development III

The fourth and final day of Human Growth and Development class was Friday afternoon.  When school was over, I received the standard telephone call from Justin, making inquiries about various after school activity options.  We'll pick up the conversation there.

"...yes, but please be sure to leave a note for your mother," I said.

"Oh," he said, with a hint of excitement.  "...and I finally get all those Far Side jokes that you said I would understand when I was older."

"They're funnier now, aren't they?" I laughed.

"Yes!  Remember the one about the motor boating?"

There was a pause.  I looked wildly around to see if anyone else could hear the grinding in my head as I attempted to shift gears and missed the clutch.

"Um, no," I stammered.

"You know," he insisted.

I am certain that I do not.

Is it just me being old-fashioned or are these classes a lot more progressive than when I was a kid?

Justin went on to explain as I sat in stunned silence.  Oh, criminy...an outboard motor!  Okay, I'm back with you now.  One sperm had an outboard motor and he sped ahead of all the rest.  Got it!

Wow!  We just narrowly avoided a whole different kind of talk when I got home.  That's a talk we'll have when I'm older.

- 25 May 2012

Human Growth and Development II

"Was there a movie?" Ashley asked Justin, after his first day of Human Growth and Development class.

Her giddy dance and crazed expression was certainly not an indication of her delight at the opportunity to, at last, repay him a small portion of eleven years worth of provocation and torment that is a boy's duty to inflict upon his parents - rather an indication of her genuine interest in her son's education.  Um, yeah.

"Mom, you're making me really uncomfortable."

Cue the villainous hand wringing and maniacal laughter.

My turn!

-21 May 2012

The Space Needle

We had been talking about it for weeks.  At last, we finally arrived at the top of the Space Needle.  After literally looking through every telescope and view finder on the observation deck - twice, only one question remained.

"When does it blast off?"

If it does, I am going to register such a complaint!

- 26 May 2012

PG

After Ethan's confirmation and first Communion, the family went out for dinner.  While awaiting our food, Logan and Ethan dutifully colored their pictures - Ethan, with the expressed desire to have his page displayed on the wall.  When the waitress returned to the table, she spied Ethan's drawing and asked if he would like to have it hung up.  He nearly tore it in half thrusting it into her outstretched hand.  Then she turned expectantly to Justin, who only looked up because a shroud of silence had enveloped the table.  The most sheepish expression adorned his face.

"I don't think mine is appropriate for children," he said.

- 19 May 2012

Amy Adam

Among my favorite books can be counted Shel Silverstein's collections of poetry.  To my great delight, each boy, in turn, has been captivated by their profound and simple genius.  Logan and I have been reading A Light in the Attic for weeks and tonight, I introduced him to Where the Sidewalk Ends.  He snatched the book from my hands and immediately began to rifle through the pages.  His efforts bore unmistakable signs of determination as the search unfolded.  I watched and waited.

"I put a book in here for us to read," he said, scouring the pages.

"You did?" I asked.  "What's it called?"

"Amy Adam...about a dragon with fire in it's mouth."

His resolve was now beginning to mingle with frustration.

"I put it in here for us to read.  It's special," he said.

I'm sure it is.  By the way, if you turn to page 17, I believe there are instructions for how to remove the crazy.

- 23 May 2012

Missing You

"Logan, eat your dinner or you're not going to swimming lessons."

"But my swimming lessons will miss me."

- 21 May 2012

Human Growth and Development

It always seems to start with an email.

>>> Well, it's 1:28.  Fasten your seat belts!!
>>>
>>> Andy

From: Ashley
Sent: Monday, May 21, 2012 1:28 PM
To: Andy
Subject: Fwd: Human Growth and Dev

Just an FYI in case there are...ahem...questions.

>>> Claudia 5/21/2012 12:14 PM >>>

>>> Hi Ashley!

>>>

>>> We completely forgot to let you know about this wonderful unit that we'll be starting today at

>>> 1:30. It will be from 1:30-2:30 today, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday.

>>> Sorry for the short notice!

>>>

>>> Gracias!

>>> Claudia, Sean and Ben

When Ashley saw Justin after school he looked; troubled - no; tormented - not quite; disturbed, traumatized, distracted, afflicted, stricken - perhaps.  But what was the word?  Oh, "stunned"!  He wouldn't look Ashley directly in the eye.  Recalling what was undoubtedly the beginning of the end in his young mind, he mentioned that one of his friends was sick and had to leave the class.  Ashley asked if this friend had to leave because of the subject matter or because he was actually ill.

"I don't know," came his distressed reply.

Oh...I do.  :)

Stubble

It had been four days since the last time I shaved my face.  Emerging from the bathroom with a very smooth complexion, the extent to which my fuzzy face had effected certain members of the family became apparent.

"Pick me up," Logan requested.

I complied with his request and rested him on my hip.  Logan clapped his hands on either side of my face.

"You got rid of your pokes!"

- 13 May 2012

PSA - Puberty

Having just completed another Cub Scout camp out, in which Justin had been invited as the older Boy Scout guest of his brother, we climbed into the car and headed for home.  We hadn't made it 100 yards when Justin, riding shotgun, turned around to address Ethan and George in the back seat.

"When you reach 11, guys, you're gonna stink!" he cautioned, in a manner similar to a public service announcement.  "I woke up this morning with a whole bunch of stuff on me (blankets, I assume...and hope) and I was all sweaty."

Ah, puberty.

Thank you for sharing.  Now, roll down a window.

- 19 May 2012

Nuts

"I had waaay too much money," Ethan announced, having just returned from a yard sale at George's house.

"...and I still have $14.50," he added thoughtfully, as though he regretted not having purchased a set.  "Dad, get me some nuts," he said in a deep voice, operating the lever to move the mouth.  "Mr. Nutty is hungry."

Quick, Ashley, to the nuts!  Mr. Nutty is hungry and now he's gone and bought himself a nutcracker.

- 19 May 2012

Hastings

The second I let go of his hand, he bolted.

"Logan where you going?" I called after his disappearing backside.

"To the boy books." he hollered.  "I already told you."

Sweetie, I'm flattered at your level of confidence in my clarvoyant skills.  However, I should remind you that I'm still out here...where you didn't already tell me.

- 17 May 2012

Perfect Example

We sat at the dinner table, having a discussion with Justin.  Just because you can do something doesn't mean you should, we reminded him.  The sooner you come to that realization, the better off we'll all be.

Meanwhile, the fork in his hand inched silently and covertly along the table, growing ever closer to it's final destination - his mother's arm.  At least, that's what he thought.  I am sitting right across the table from you, watching your every move.

You had better be careful where you stick that fork young man, or you will find that it's final destination is a very uncomfortable place.  Go ahead - don't let me stop you.  I'm just going to sit back and continue to enjoy my drink.

- 17 May 2012

Dessert Spoon

I heard the sound of choking and looked across the table at my son.  The rest of the family sat, peacefully eating their Dairy Queen treats - okay, they were peacefully eating - well, they were eating, anyway.  Justin wrenched the spoon out of his mouth looking as though he were on the brink of vomiting.

"Dummy," I thought to myself, shaking my head and rolling my eyes.  At least slow down long enough to taste the ice cream.

I scanned the rest of the table for trouble and heard the sound again.  My eyes came to rest on Justin, once more.  There he sat with the spoon down his throat and eyes watering profusely.  It dawned on me that this was no accident and I shifted my gaze to the empty dessert cup that lay between us.

"Really?!" I said, with raised eyebrows and mock disbelief.

He dislodged the utensil and cracked an enormous grin.

"Gag me with a spoon!" he cried, laughing hysterically.

"No," Ashley chimed in.  Her Valley Girl impression was uncanny, "You say, 'like, gag me with a spoon.'"

Thanks hon.  This is what passes for entertainment in our family.

- 14 May 2012

Have a Bite of This

"Ouch!"

Justin hobbled into his room to examine his newly acquired wound.

"Did he get you?" I asked, referring to the twenty pound cat who had just acquired part of Justin.

"Yeah, he scratched me."

"He got Logan earlier," I said.

Indeed, Logan too, had passed the cat's food dish without daring to fill it and had paid the price.  Despite all evidence to the contrary, this animal feels as though he is in a perpetual state of hunger-nay, starvation.  Beware all those who do not heed the yowl.

"One.  That hurt," Justin continued.  "Two.  It scared me."

I believe the cat was hiding under the baker's rack and leapt out in order to catch his victim unaware.  Well, I say leapt, but I think a more appropriate description would be oozed.  After all, does blubber really leap?

 "Why did he do that?" Justin asked, continuing to examine his lesion.

"He's just really, really hungry," I replied, not even stopping to believe the words as I spoke them.

"Well, I'd like to feed him with a baseball bat," Justin retorted.

Here kitty, kitty.

- 13 May 2012

Bamboom

"Dad you're mean to everyone in the whole world," he said without casting the slightest glance in my direction.

His lips were pouting and he was giving his swing a very half-hearted and forlorn push.

"The world thinks you're," he paused to formulate the meanest zinger his 3-year-old knowledge base could muster and, when that failed, he continued, "something that's mean."

I bit my lip so that I wouldn't laugh.  My head was pounding and I was still mad.  How did we get to this point?

2 minutes earlier...

I banished Logan from the immediate vicinity in a fit of rage.  My head was throbbing and I didn't care where he went as long as he wasn't near me.  So, he glowered his way over to the swing set where commenced an epic snit.

2 minutes before that...

We had been sitting together in the grass.  While I assembled the new patio furniture, Logan exclaimed about the fact that we were now growing bamboo in our yard.  Suddenly, I began to see stars and a sharp and excruciating stinging began to form at the base of my skull.  Looking around for the source of the pain, I saw Logan standing next to me holding a 1 x 4.  Somewhere in the middle of me explaining that it wasn't actually bamboo, but merely the way the grass looked, Logan found the board on the lawn.  He must not have like my explanation.  I swore loudly!

"What are you doing?" I shouted.

"Look, Dad!  A piece of wood," he exclaimed, wielding the lumber like a stick fighter, though his enthusiasm was rapidly diminishing under the crushing weight of my murderous expression.

You can pout all you want, Logan.  I may have hurt your feelings by swearing at you, but you hurt my feelings by trying to cleave my head in two.

- 13 May 2012

Bright Future

"I'm just really bleeding water out my eyes right now."

Eww.  Why don't I just put the visor down so the sun won't be in your face anymore?

- 11 May 2012

Monkey Wrench

Halfway through our walk home from the Y last night, Ethan suddenly struck up this conversation.

"I cried last night because I was thinking of George leaving," he said.  "Who will be my best friend?  Who will I invite over for sleepovers?" he asked of me.

You're killing me, buddy.

"I don't think we have to have all of the answers tonight," I said, putting my arm around his shoulder.  "What do you think some of the answers are to these problems?" I asked, as we continued down the sidewalk.

I hoped that having him participate in finding a solution would alleviate some of his anxiety.  Nobody likes to feel helpless when it comes to their friends and it's always nice when the solution is your own (at least in part).

"I don't know," he began and then stopped dead in his tracks.

It was a good thing he had been behind me or I would have ploughed straight into him.  As it was, I had to stop and back up.

"And, I just thought of something!  Now Logan won't be able to marry Kate (George's sister) and we won't be part of each other's families!"

I was not previously aware of this plan.  This was almost as distressing to Ethan and the whole best friend debacle.  Nobody tells me anything!

- 8 May 2012

A Change of Genre

George, Ethan and Justin were having a hushed conversation in the back seat of the van as we drove to the grocery store. 

"My friend's uncle's friend changed his genre," George said quietly.

"What?" exclaimed Ethan.

"No way!" Justin said.

"Yeah, he did.  He changed his genre," George assured them.

"Wow, changed his genre," Ethan repeated thoughtfully.

I'm still not sure how you arrived at this conversation (nor do I really want to know) but I'm pretty sure the word you're looking for is "gender".

- 5 May 2012

Proud Moment

We must be doing something right.

"There is only one God, ma'am..." said Captain America, as we sat watching The Avengers in the theater this afternoon.

Justin leaned over and said, in a loud, matter-of-fact whisper,

"I'm glad that they recognize that."

- 9 May 2012

Move Over CIA

How did my life get to a point where this is not a strange sentence?

"Ethan!  Stop torturing him with fruit!"

Just wondering.

- 8 May 2012

Battery Life

"Heeeey!  This thing batteried down!"

It's alright.  If I've learned nothing else from being a father, I have learned to have an ample supply of batteries.

- 2 May 2012

Sacred Water Closet

We excused ourselves from the Knowledge Bowl, during Sunday school this morning, in order to locate the restroom - the urgency of which I had been alerted to when Logan's dance around the table became impeded by the leg-crossing maneuver and crotch grabbing choreography.  Racing down the hall, we rounded the corner and pushed open the door.  There was an audible gasp.

"The church potties are nice!*  It's beautiful!" he exclaimed.

...and the clouds parted...a ray of sunshine shone down from the heavens...and a choir of angels began to sing...

Meanwhile, we can bask in the glory of the extraordinary church potties once we've finished the task at hand.  I don't have a spare pair of pants for you.

* It should be noted that there is nothing out of the ordinary about the church bathrooms.  They are simply tiled in white which, apparently, Logan has never seen before.  To his way of thinking, white tile = nice.

- 6 May 2012

Crank Caller

The phone rang.  I looked at the clock.  11:45 p.m.  The caller ID announced that it was a private caller, yet I knew immediately who would be on the other end of the line.

"Hello?"

"Dad?  You guys still up?!"

"Yes, Justin."

"We haven't been to bed yet," he chuckled.

You don't say.

"We're making prank phone calls," he announced.

More laughter at his end - more eye-rolling at mine.

"Is your refrigerator running?"

There was a peal of laughter from multiple boys and the line went dead.  I sat in bed for a moment reminiscing about the crank calls I made as a youth and wondering where I went wrong.  Obviously, there is work to be done.  I shook my head, chuckled and went back to my movie.

Dude, at least thumb your way through the phone book.

- 4 May 2012

Yo Mamma

On the way home from the movie theater, the six 9-year-old boys in the van with me were creating quite a ruckus.  When they weren't busy playing Bitter Sweet - a game in which you shout "hello" at the people you are passing and judge the timeliness of their responses, if any - they were competing to tell the best Yo Mamma jokes.

One young man was so frantic to one-up his friends, he shouted,

"Your mamma's so crazy she thought a chicken was a flower."

It's been a long time since I was nine and I must be really out of touch.  There was a split second of pure silence - even I was tempted to turn completely around in my seat and stare - before the whole car erupted in raucous laughter.

No more callers, please.  We have a winner.

- 5 May 2012

Fortune Cookie

Even though only two of us had ordered, the restaurant gave us four fortune cookies.  When everyone had finished eating, we gave the boys a cookie each.  While Ethan busied himself with breaking open the cookie and ripping out the fortune, he regaled us with a story about the first time he ever ate a fortune cookie...something about finding it to be disgusting because of the wad of gooey paper stuck in his mouth.

"Turn your thoughts within.  Find yourself," he read aloud, having finally liberated the tiny slip of paper.  "What does that mean?"

"If you sit quietly and think..." Ashley began, seriously (if not wishfully).

"That will never happen in this house," Ethan interrupted.

Too true.

- 4 May 2012

Depends

George is leaving.  Ethan's very best friend in the whole world is moving out-of-state when school ends next month.  We only found out yesterday.

"Dad, what am I going to do without George?"

I can't even describe how that sounded.  It tugged at my heart.

As a man who is four times your age and also has a best friend, I know that of which I speak.  George will always be your friend.  To the best of my knowledge, he is not moving off-planet, going into the Witness Protection Program or being abducted by aliens.  You will still be able to talk to him, text him, email him, Skype him and, God forbid, even write to him.  The marvelous thing about the 21st century is that the world is smaller than ever.

I understand that, in 9-year-old-world, that last bit is of little consolation.  Unfortunately, there are few things I can say that will make this situation bearable.  It is also unhelpful (and outside of my control) that your mother and George's mother are overcome by fits of tears whenever they pass each other in the hallway at school.  They, too, understand the impact of this situation.  These are the facts of your life.

So, it is my advice to you, son, to make the most of the time you have left.  To quote Shel Silverstein,

"How much good inside a day?  Depends on how good you live 'em.  How much love inside a friend?  Depends on how much you give 'em."

- 2 May 2012

Easy as Pie

"It will be easy for my friend Cedric to get to my house," Logan said, as we pulled into traffic having just left swimming lessons.

"It will?" I asked, wondering why I was wondering about the randomness of this conversation.  What am I, new?

"Yes.  You just go past the Y that has a tree that was knocked down by the storm.  Then you go past some houses...this house and this house and that house," he said, pointing, in turn, at each house we passed.  "And past this church.  And past a 'nother church.  Then past some more houses.  Then you just turn."

And just like that, you're there.  It's a snap!  Now that you all know how to get here, come on over (BYOB).

- 30 April 2012

What They Hear

This may or may not be true of children in general, but I can assure you, it is most certainly true of boys.

What we say:

"Boys, please clean up your rooms, put on some pants, zip your fly, remove your underwear from the dining room, flush the toilet, put the ants back outside, wash your hands and untie your brother."

What they hear:

"Boys, please clean up your rooms, put on some pants, zip your fly, remove your underwear from the dining room, flush the toilet, put the ants back outside, wash your hands and untie your brother."

Not even the sound of crickets...mostly because one of them cornered the poor creature and, while admiring it, the other one came along and stomped on it just because he could.

Hello?  Boys?  Boys.  Boys!

"Huh?"

What we say again:

"Please clean up your rooms, put on some pants, zip your fly, remove your underwear from the dining room, flush the toilet, put the ants back outside, wash your hands and untie your brother."

What finally sinks in:

"Clean your pants, zip your underwear, dining room toilet, flush the ants and wash your brother."

None of which happens, by the way.  I give up!