Logan's Greatest Ambition

"I want to be a super hero when I grow up so I can save the world."

You're on your way, Batman.

- 31 October 2012

I Am the Walrus

I left work and returned to the house at seven thirty.  Logan was sick and Ashley had made arrangements to stay home but that meant it was I who was responsible for shuttling the boys to school.  As I pulled into the driveway, I whipped out my telephone.

"Justin," I said, "I'm in the driveway.  Grab your brother and get a move on."

I made to hang up when a peal of laughter in the background, arrested my attempt.

"Yes my sweet, sweet walrus," came the sultry response, followed by additional merriment.

Now, I have been called many things in my day, but I do believe that was a first.

I could hear the sound of the phone being wrenched from the boy's hand.

"Why is he calling you his 'sweet, sweet walrus'?" Ashley inquired.

Darling, sweetheart, love of my life - as you are well aware, he shares our collective genes.  That sentence alone should cover most of your questions regarding our sons.  Apart from that, I have no idea.  In this case, however, I think it's best if we don't ask too many questions - I'm not sure that either of us is prepared for the answers.

- 30 October 2012

My Own Fault

When I relayed this anecdote to a friend of mine, his reply was, "you do set a pretty high standard."

My nine-year-old came to me this weekend to complain that he didn't want to become an adult.

"You guys make it look too hard."

I wish I knew whether or not that was a compliment.

- 27 October 2012

Thirsty?

Now and then, my ADHD takes hold and I am completely unable to shut my mouth.  (Don't ask my wife - she'll just exaggerate.)

"Look, Logan, a limousine."

I can't imagine what made me think that my four-year-old would know what that meant.  He looked wildly, if not blankly, around.

"A lemonade stand?" he asked.

"No, a lim-ou-sine," I repeated, pointing at the opposing left turn lane.

He stared in the direction I was pointing - albeit, toward the sky.

"Stand?" he said.

"Honey, it's a long, long, fancy car," I said, with some exasperation.

He considered the opposing traffic for a third time.

"Where you get lemonade?"

Oh, my goodness.  I am so sorry I opened my mouth.  If I change my answer to "yes," can we please stop having this conversation now?

- 27 October 2012

Hello ADHD

"Ethan is downstairs, playing a game on the iPad - while watching a YouTube video on the computer - while the television is on."

When Ashley came in to tell me about this, my first thought was, "I wonder if he had the telephone in his lap with a friend on the line...or his ear buds in, listening to his iPod too."  Not that I would know anything about that...you know...just wondering.

- 27 October 2012

Deep Pockets

Yesterday, the bill for Ethan's appendectomy finally arrived. 

$18,245.47

Thankfully, insurance covered more than ninety-nine percent...but still.  As I examined the bill, Ethan passed quickly behind me on his way through the kitchen.  I turned around and put out my hand to stop him.

"Hey, Ethan?  Do you know how much it cost to have your appendix removed?" I asked, in mock disbelief.

My question was met with a blank stare.

"Eighteen-thousand dollars!" I exclaimed.

This news startled him.

"Whoa!" he said, and turned to exit, stage left.

"Next time, I think we'll do it here.  You can pick out a shoe to bite on and I'll clear off the dining room table," I called after him.

Nervous laughter echoed up the stairs from the basement.  I continued to examine the bill and mutter under my breath.  Within minutes there was a tap on my shoulder.  I turned and found Ethan standing there, looking quite distressed.

"Do we have enough in our checking account?" he asked.

Oh, bless your heart - no.  But thank goodness it is not necessary.  Next time, I'll also remember to explain about insurance.

- 26 October 2012

You Want to go There?

The second I had finished drying Logan off, after his bath, he began dancing around the bathroom trying to gain access to his new toothbrush.

"Pajamas first, Logan," I reminded him.

There were sounds of disgust and disgruntled nakedness.

"Dad!  I want to brush my teeth!" he shouted.

"Not until you have pajamas on.  There will be no naked tooth brushing tonight.  Go, go, go," I said, shoving him out the door.

More sounds of insubordination including, growling and foot stomping.

"Go, go, go," I said again, pushing him further down the hall and gesturing for him to move in the opposite direction.

"Teeth!" he screamed.

"Pajamas!" I shouted.

I moved around him and made my way to the laundry room.  From the top of the stairs came his angry, teeth-gritting retort.

"Do I have to do everything?"

Remind me which part you already do.

- 25 October 2012

Our Biggest Fans

As fathers, our biggest fans are not always the one's we would expect.  In my heart of hearts, I know that nobody could ever take the place of my boys and nobody could ever take my place in theirs.  Still, it's funny...

I took my sons to the park this afternoon and met up with Jeff's family.  The six kids were having a wonderful time and I was enjoying every minute.  A nearby grandmother noticed how much fun I was having with all of them and inquired as to whether or not they all belonged to me.  I admitted to only three of the boys but Erin was quick to offer Wyatt as a bonus when it was time to go home.

"After all," she said, "he's your biggest fan."

And I am among his, Erin.

Indeed, from the moment he had spotted me it was, "Andy, slide with me," and, "Andy, under-dog."

He wasn't too terribly interested in much else.  Meanwhile, my three sons couldn't have been less concerned if I had been lying under the tires of the local transit authority vehicle.  They, being Jeff's number one fans, were too busy worrying about where one earth he was, instead of being there with them.

Come one, come all - there's room enough for everybody.  Ah, boys, I love you.  All four of you.

- 21 October 2012

Santa

"Where is the north pole?" Logan asked me.

"At the top of the earth," I said, doing my best to hold on to the wheel while indicating the top of what was supposed to be a globe.

Logan, alone in the back seat, had been carrying on a conversation about "arctica" and penguins, so I figured my mid-air-invisible-faux-globe wouldn't be too much of a stretch.

I heard a small gasp.

"You mean Santa lives in space?!"

Sigh.

- 21 October 2012

Nap

"Dad, why do you hate me?"

Oh, for Pete's sake!   I just wanted to take my semi-annual nap.  All I did was ask you to get off of me and down off the bed.  No more screaming in my ear, breathing in my face, slobbering on my shirt and pretending that you're clapping by slapping me on the face.  I am not a tree...you are not a monkey - at least not in the traditional sense.

I hate this conversation...not you!!

- 20 October 2012

Speak Before You Think

Having handily beaten my oldest son in a cart race through the Safeway parking lot, I started my victory dance.  It consisted of nothing more than pointing, laughing and a few well chosen comments about age and skill versus youth and...youth.

"Schmuck!" Justin hollered, punching me squarely on the shoulder.

"Schmesticle!" I hollered back, saying the first thing that sprang into my mind.

Perhaps, at my age, I should put some effort into mastering the whole 'think before you speak' theory.  I'm beginning to wonder if the dirty looks I keep getting from the little old ladies doing their evening grocery shopping is less than coincidental.

- 17 October 2012

Heavy Artillery

After riding him like a pony and shooting him with a zebra - yes, you heard me - Logan chased the cat from the room.  I steered him into the bathroom to brush his teeth where he stopped short and turned around.

"Dad, stop that," he giggled.

I beg your pardon?  It was not I who was just practicing my marksmanship while brushing up on the equestrian arts.

"You stop," I retorted.  "You're the one with the zebra cannon."

I can't believe I just used those words in that order.

- 17 October 2012

Let's Be Honest

Logan is never difficult to find when it comes time for dessert.  This particular evening, dessert was a fairly decadent carrot cake.  When Logan appeared in the kitchen, right on cue, I asked him how large of a slice he would like.  His indication was substantial.

"I just came here for the frosting."

Didn't we all?

- 24 July 2012

Mission Accomplished

"Ethan, let's put Dad out of his business.  Let's not say anything funny so that he has nothing to put on his blog."

Justin sidled up to me, completely unaware that I was furiously typing every word he was saying.

"Dad!  How many blogs do you have [ready to post]?" he demanded.

"130," I replied.

"How often do you post?  Is it like once a week or once a month or what?" he asked.

"Usually, daily," I said, with an enormous grin.

"Ethan!" he shouted, rounding on his brother, "Nothing for 130 days."

"How will I survive?" Ethan moaned, casting a very distraught look over the top of his book.

You won't.

[Insert villainous hand-wringing and maniacal laughter here.]

I will never run out of material.  Thank you, by the way.

- 14 October 2012

Decisions

"Dad, can we go to Bruised and Books this afternoon?"

Ethan, let's review - again.

The store is called Bruised Books.  It is a book store.  They sell used books.

Bruised and Books is an entirely different experience (less shopping, more violence) involving a decidedly unpleasant ruffing up, prior to the perusal and/or purchase of said used books.  I can help you out with either adventure - I just wanted you to have all of the facts before you made your decision.

- 14 October 2012

Advice

Here's a little piece of advice.

If you are about to do something, to one of your brothers, that will require you to immediately turn on the spot and run...perhaps you should not!

Just a thought.

Oh and, by the way, if you decide to do it anyway...you're on your own.

- 13 October 2012

Please

Having just finished watching The Shining, Justin turned to me with a pleading look while Ethan nodded vigerously in the foreground.

"Dad?  After this, please don't scare us in the bathroom like you did after the last one."

I assume that you're referring to the tooth brushing incident that followed your screening of Poltergeist.  Good times...good times.

You have my word that I will not scare you in the bathroom.  Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll be in the garage, looking for my axe.

- 6 October 2012

Break Time

"Today, just because I was laughing in class - I was on my laughing break - I got in trouble," Ethan said.

"Was your break at the same time as a break for everyone else?" I asked.

"Yes.  They just didn't know it."

Perhaps, next time, you could wait until everybody is aware of break time.  This is going to come up during your conference in three days, isn't it?

- 8 October 2012

Little Tush Big Butt

"Logan, put that back!"

It's a theme - nay, a mantra - in our home.  As such, it came as no surprise when Logan led me by the hand to his bedroom this morning, and proudly showed me the half dozen candles carefully arranged on his desk.  Though their conspicuous absence from the living room was not met with the overwhelming joy that had undoubtedly been expected, I was pleased with myself for not being instantly flushed with anger.

Many times, during the course of the previous evening, the mantra had been repeated, varying only in slight degrees.  Over and over again it was echoed, like the sound of a drum keeping time to the rhythm of the decoration process.  If Logan had been given his way, all of the holiday decorations would have made their way steadily down the hall and into his bedroom.

Still, I reminded myself, wasn't it far better to be greeted by the innocuous statement, "Look Dad, I have candles," than the decidedly more unpleasant, "Look Dad, my candles* are on fire"?

Yes.  Yes, it was.

- 8 October 2012

*desk, draperies, bedroom, microwave, cat, brothers.

Magic Words

Hoisting the mattress down from the top bunk, I began to change the sheets.  Logan sat at my feet, a pair of scissors in one hand and his brother's hand-made blanket in the other.  I glanced down just in time to see him line the scissors up and begin to cut.

"Don't you dare!" I shouted, desperate to stop him without letting go of the mattress.  "You put those scissors down right this instant!"

Logan, apparently unfazed, looked up at me.

"Say the magic words," he sang, wearing a grin like a Cheshire cat and re-aligning the scissors.

"Put them down instantly," I said in a low, deadly growl, lips pursed so tightly they barely moved, "or I will spank - your - bottom."

There was a split seconds pause and his smile faltered.

"Those are the right magic words," he said, relinquishing both objects.

- 7 October 2012

The Speech

"Look at what happened to me at the winery yesterday."

Justin pulled back his sleeve to reveal an angry red scrape down one of his arms.

"I was eating some bread and I needed to make a speech so I climbed up on a log..."

Dude, I have completely stopped listening.  Right now, I am very busy trying to figure out where I went wrong.  What did I do to cause you to be at a winery on a Friday afternoon, while your mother and I were at home with your little brothers.  There are so many things out of place here - not the least of which is your last sentence.

- 6 October 2012

Best Friends and Evergreens

The tale of the Patrick Pine will be a part of our family's lore forever.  Indeed, it is a fantastic story, but for another day.  For now, a lesson of friendships and evergreens.

"Justin, are you finished with your homework?" I asked, as he bounded down the stairs and opened the door.

"No."

"Then you need to sit down at the table and finish it," I said.

"I will.  I just need to find out what's wrong with Ethan.  He just ran out the back door."

I had, in fact, heard the back door open and close but paid it little attention as I assumed no one had left the house, so soft were the exiter's footfalls.  Justin returned a moment later and headed back to the kitchen table. 

"Well?" I asked, expectantly.

"Oh.  He said something about a tree," Justin reported.  "He just will not accept that his tree is dead."

I was saddened by these words.  The tree was everything to him - a gift from a friend, now departed, representing everything that was right in his world.  Ethan had sprinted out of the house, in a mild panic, just as he had done each day since our return from Sunriver.   His mission was to give his tree, the Patrick Pine, every ounce of attention and care that he could muster, no matter how futile the effort.

"If I were him, I wouldn't accept it either," I replied.  "If my best friend, that I had had nearly my entire life, moved two states away - and all that he had left behind for me to remember him with was a pine tree - I wouldn't let it go either."

As the silence that followed my statement filled the room, a voice in the back of my head reminded me that I too was facing a similar prospect, though doubtful I would be as fortunate to have a pine tree to look after.

"I have only had two best friends in my lifetime," I continued.

I could see Justin giving careful consideration to my words.   No doubt he suspected that, for a man of my advanced age, to have only had two best friends was very unusual.   After all, had I not been personally acquainted with Moses?

The first one came into my life in the sixth grade, only to leave, rather quickly, in the tenth.  Unfortunately, I let our friendship go without a fight.  It was a very hard lesson to learn and I will not make that mistake a second time.

"I wouldn't give up on it either," I said, again, of the tree.

I didn't know how to finish that thought.  Secretly, I knew Ethan's greatest fear - if the tree died, Patrick would no longer be his friend.  Tears began to well up in my eyes as thoughts of my own best friend and Ethan's heartache over his dying tree passed across my mind, so I turned and walked away.

Ethan, have no fear - rest your mind and your heart.  God will not give you more than he knows you can handle.  Like an evergreen tree, your friendship with Patrick is hearty - able to withstand the harsh extremes and tough times but ready to flourish when the time is right.  Your friendship will endure even if the symbol that represents it does not.

Now, put down the watering can and go call Patrick.

- 4 October 2012

Whatever Works

After last night's Troop meeting, Justin climbed into the truck.

"Mr. Seymour asked us why we trust him and I wanted to raise my hand and say, 'Because of your mustache.'"

"Why didn't you?" I inquired.

"Because we were trying to be serious.  But, Dad," he said looking over at me, "I am being serious."

I'm not sure if I should laugh or be alarmed.  Perhaps I'll feel better if I just laugh alarmingly.

- 2 October 2012