Christmas Carols

It was nice to come downstairs and find the boys and their friends singing Christmas carols.  It was nice, at first.

"Joy to the world, the school burned down, and all the teachers died..."

Okay, not so impressive.

- 29 October 2011

Candied Pants

Logan came to work with me for an hour this morning and went exploring.  To a boy of five, the bullpen is an elaborate labyrinth of mystery and discovery.  As did his brothers before him, Logan found every candy dish on every available surface.  Stuffing his pockets full to bursting, he returned to my desk and sat playing games until it was time to leave.  After a while I indicated that it was time to go.

"My pants are full of candy," Logan shouted.

Heads turned.  People chuckled.  There were a few looks bordering on shock.  Everyone checked their candy dishes.

- 20 August 2014

Sorry I Asked

"So, how is George doing?" I asked, after Ethan hung up the phone. 

It had been quite a lengthy conversation to say the least.

"Okay," he replied. 

"How is his summer going?" I asked.

"Okay."

"Is he looking forward to school starting?" I asked.

"Yeah."

"You know, that was an awfully long conversation for just 'okay' and 'yeah'."

Ethan sighed.

"He went to the zoo and saw monkeys," he said.  "Their junk was hanging down."

[crickets]

"Oh, and he asked how my tree-wife is doing and I said..."

"Hold on a second!  Back up.  Your tree-wife?"

"We're going to have mutant tree babies."

[more crickets]

I was too afraid to ask.

- 24 August 2012

Read the precursor to this conversation: George Calling.

Let the Punishment Fit the Crime

"Dad, I want Ethan to come to my soccer practice," Logan said. 

"I don't," I replied.

It's not that I don't like the boy.  It's just that the last thing I needed right now was a preteen boy complaining to me for the next straight hour.

"Why do you want him to come with us?" I asked.

"I need him to be punished for being mean to me," he stated.   "Make him come with us.  Can you do that for me?"

No, punishment though it may be.

- 25 August 2014

How Dumb

While waiting for Justin's orchestra concert to start, Ashley and Logan were working in one of his activity books.

"Those are rectangles," she said, pointing them out in the book.

"Mom I'm not stupid, I know what rectangles are," he replied.

Alrighty then.

- 10 June 2013

Instagram

"My bio on Instagram - 'always give one hundred percent unless you're donating blood,'" Justin announced with a wry smile.

Hold head in hands and shake.

Well, if nothing else, it's good advice.

- 17 August 2014

Ranking

"Don't you like me?" I asked.

"I like mommy," he said.  "She's the best than you."

- 11 July 2012, Logan, Age 3

Auto Parts Store

As soon as Justin's overnighter had ended and his friends had gone home, I went to tidy up the family room.  Why did I find a hubcap?

- 22 August 2014

The Two Wise Guys

No sooner had George moved to California than, by an unbelievable coincidence, he and Ethan wound up spending an entire week of summer vacation in the same place - in Oregon.  Naturally, as soon as this fact had been unearthed, plans to get together and play were immediately put into place.

After having spent the afternoon at George's house, both boys made plans to have a sleep-over at our house.  George's grandfather was kind enough to ferry the boys from one dwelling to the other and when they arrived, they bore gifts.  However, unlike the three wise men, these were not gold, frankincense and myrrh.

I believe the text message I received from George's mother sums it up nicely.

"Grandpa on the way with the boys...please know that George's grenade is not active. :-)"

Yes, that's right - George brought a grenade and Ethan arrived with a pine tree.

- 6 August 2012

Mr. Chairman

There was a scuffling at the back door.

"Hello?" I called from the dining room.

"Hi Dad."

It was Logan.

"Who's there with you?" I asked, as the scuffling continued.

"Nobody."

Hmm.

"Oh, okay.  Can you close the door?" I asked.

"No," came the reply.

"Why not?" I asked.

"Because of the chair," he said.

What?  Chair?  That doesn't sound right.  I got up to investigate.

"I found a dirty old chair by the stop sign on the corner," he proudly announced.

There are so many things wrong with that sentence.  But sure enough, there it was - dirty, old and sitting on the landing blocking the back door.  And this was the first thing you thought to do when you found it?  One good shove and he would have had it all the way down the stairs and into the basement.

"Can you help me?" he asked.

Do what, dare I ask.

"I will help you get it back outside and you will put it back by the stop sign on the corner," I said.

"Okay," he said, brightly.

It was at this point that I noticed he had obviously been sitting in the chair.  Either that or he had been rolling around in the street because his clothes were covered in dirt.  Anything was possible at this point.  As he left on his quest I suddenly wondered what the neighbors and passersby must think as they witnessed my little five-year-old wandering up and down the sidewalks of our neighborhood happily pushing, or riding, a dead office chair.

I'm sure I'll find out.

- 21 August 2014

Questions

My father-in-law has always been keenly interested in the boy's lives.  Whenever we visit he's armed with a battery of questions.  He is nothing if not consistent..

On a recent trip to Pullman...

"Grandpa asked me a lot of questions about my friends," Justin reported.  "Actually it was the same question a lot of times."

- 10 August 2014

The Lights Are Off but Somebody's Home

Oh Lord, another call from Justin at work.

"Hello?"

"Dad, the power went out.  I need to know how to turn it back on."

"Is it just one room or the whole house?" I asked.

"I don't know," he said.  "It flickered a whole bunch and then went out."

Massive thunder storm causes power outage - that checks out.

"Okay, it's the whole house," I said.

"How do you know?" he asked.

Better question, how do you not know?

"When will it come back on?" he demanded.

Consulting my crystal ball now...okay, wait, I'm getting something.  It'll come back on at a quarter past how should I know?!

"Just hang tight," I said.  "I'm coming home in five minutes anyway."

- 12 August 2014

Love Story

"How did Dad find you?  And how did you find Dad?  And then you decided to get married."

Well, it all started with some wooing using his sensuous and godlike cello playing.

He was dashing.  She was magnificent.

She was witty.  He made her laugh.

She needed directions.  He knew how to read a map.

She sang like an angel.  He fell in love.

And the rest, as they say, is history.

- 2 March 2013

Dinner Menu

"Logan, would you like some macaroni and cheese for dinner?" I asked, hoping the answer would be yes.

"No.  I want a TV dinner," he said.  "The one with a brownie and the chicken nuggets and the macaro..."

*sigh*

"Fine!  I'll have macaroni and cheese."

- 15 August 2014

What Happened Guy?

Ethan was one and a half.  On day he asked my wife,

"Mama, what happened guy?"

Guy?

This went on for months.

"I don't know Ethan, what happened to the guy?" we would ask.

"Guy fall down," came the reply.

Then, several month later, guy took a sudden turn for the worse.

"Mama, what happened guy?"

"I don't know Ethan, what happened guy?" 

"Guy died."

This new and upsetting revelation was followed by true maniacal laughter.

- Winter 2004/2005

I Just Burned Myself

I went to pick up my older boys from the carnival at school.  Swimming lessons were in T minus 20 minutes and we didn't have a moment to spare.  When I arrived, I found Justin in the cotton candy line that was at least 20 minutes long.  I extracted him.  He argued.

"I can ride my bike home while eating cotton candy in the dark," he protested.

I turned to Ethan,

"Dude, give me some of your popcorn 'cause I gotta see that!"

A dad standing nearby snorted.  Justin was mad.  When we finally got to the car, he was rude all the way home.  We quickly donned our swim trunks, jumped back into the car and headed to the Y.  As we pulled into the parking lot, Justin pipped up again.

"Please, Ethan.  Please do not tell dad the cool thing that I did!"

Clearly, he wanted to punish me for the misadventure of the cotton candy.  This was his best effort.

Ethan fretted.  He obviously wanted to tell me.  I told him that it was okay and not to worry.  Eager to strike a compromise, Ethan said he would tell Mom and then I could ask her.  This garnered a scowl from Justin.

"Don't worry," I said.  "Justin will tell me when he decides to stop being a butt!"

"Yeah, which will be never," Justin snapped.

- 29 September 2011

Profanity

Day number three of vacation.

"Dad, Ethan swore," Logan hollered. 

"I did not.  All I said was, 'I swear.'"

Eight more days to go.  Lord give me strength.

- 3 August 2014

E.T.

It has been a long time since I have watched the movie E.T. all the way through.  Though I remember it now, I was caught slightly off guard when Elliott called his older brother "penis breath".  It wasn't so much the word that caught me off guard - I hear that word a hundred times a day from my older sons - it was that fact that, with my back turned to the movie, I had forgotten my five-year-old was watching.

"Whoa, Dad, are you going to take that?" Logan asked, munching on his popcorn.  "Are you going to take me watching this?  That's some serious mad stuff."

- 2 August 2014

An Unusual Sense of Pride

"Hey you!" Justin shouted.  "Stop smelling my butt.  It's weird."

Unfortunately, that is not the strangest thing I've heard today.  I think the argument about whose fart was whose takes the cake.

- 5 August 2014

Sale

Day eight of our eleven day family vacation.  Everyone has been having a good time but the feeling of family togetherness and brotherly love is beginning to ebb.  This became evident when my youngest son posed this question about his two older brothers.

"Dad, can we sell the boys?"

- 7 August 2014

Predictable

You know, I predicted the outcome of this exchange but I just couldn't stop myself from asking the question anyway. 

"But I can't wear my Crocs, they're all dirty," Logan complained. 

"How did they get so dirty anyway?" I asked. 

"We stepped in dirt a lot," he said. 

- 28 July 2014

Who Are You Waving At

Last night marked the beginning of the latest round of swimming lessons.  The usual excitement ensconced the boys but none were as thrilled as Logan.

Over the summer, the requisite parent floated along side the thrashing 2-year-old barely able to contain the boundless energy long enough to prevent his drowning.  Today, Logan became a Turtle.  His older brothers have long since surpassed the lowly station of the toothless reptile to attain loftier aquatic heights but tonight Logan was his own man.  We the parents, now relegated to the warm, dry viewing gallery, watched while hired hands attended the boy as he swallowed half of the pool water.  That reminds me...add night-time pull-ups to the shopping list.

Having just come from home where dinner was prepared, served and cleared in less than an hour I was prepared to navigate three boys through four separate classes in 90 minutes time.  It was a simple enough task.  After seeing Justin off to his technology class Ethan and I walked Logan to the pool.  We talked happily about his first swimming lesson on his own.  He was nearly frantic with excitement.  Once we left him in the care of his teacher, we watched from the viewing area as he had the time of his life.

As you are undoubtedly aware, my sphere of parenting knowledge does not include little girls.  To that end, in order to speak Boy, you must be capable of listening to, translating, interpreting and speaking multiple dialects simultaneously.  Any parent of little boys will attest to this fact.  Keep in mind that Ethan had not stopped talking from the moment he sat down at the dinner table.  To anyone who knows him this will come as no surprise. 

At the end of the lesson, with Justin still in class, Ethan and I proceeded to the pool deck to wait for the swimmers.  We had five minutes to spare but we had a clear view of Logan's class straight through the double doors and across the pool where Logan could see us as well.

We watched and waited while Ethan busied himself on the railings like a monkey.  Meanwhile I was watching Logan.  Logan caught sight of me and waved so hard he nearly fell into the pool.  I waved back as hard as I could without taking flight.  It was then that Ethan noticed me and asked,

"Who are you waving at?" 

Seriously?

I beckoned Ethan over and carefully leaned in toward him.  I pointed across the pool. 

"The Easter Bunny," I whispered.  "You see him standing on the other side of the pool right behind your bro-ther...I'm waving at your brother!!"

- Circa 2010

A Million Questions

I have inherited the gift of always having an answer to a question from my father.  It may be right, it may be wrong.  It may be fact, it may be fiction.  You may never find out.  It is such a prodigious skill, in fact, that there are a few things I didn't figure out he had made up until my late twenties!

It had been the morning of a million questions.  Logan and Ethan hadn't stopped asking questions for the last half hour.  Topics covered (among others) included monkeys, doughnuts, camping, rhinos and Star Wars.

"Do monkeys like doughnuts?"

"Can you take a rhino camping, or would it rather stay home and watch Star Wars?"

"Where do monkey babies come from?"

"Where do rhinos get tents big enough to fit them?"

"Why does it look like Princess Leia has two bear claws on the side of her head?"

Well, boys...you can't take a rhino camping because it will poke holes in the tent which is only large enough for the monkeys.  The ensuing ruckus will upset the monkey babies who are already agitated because Princess Leia's hair reminds them of delicious pastries which they love but do not have.  That puts to rest the great money-doughnut debate.  As for the monkey babies and where they come from - the Monkey Fairy brings baby monkeys in exchange for the bananas they leave under their pillows.

- June 14, 2010

Point Value

"How many points was that?" I asked.

"One hundred." he said.  "No, wait!  One huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuundred and one.  Is that a lot?"

"Well, it sure sounds like a lot."

Apparently, the longer you say the word, the more value it has.  I think I'll try that next time I'm at the bank.

If only.

- 28 March 2014

Macaroni and Cheese

Macaroni and cheese.  Logan doesn't like it.  Logan wanted me to make it for lunch anyway.  Logan was adamant that I put cut-up hot dogs in it.  He helped me cook it and was very excited.  He even helped slice the hot dogs.  Then he sat down at the table, ate 3 bites, handed me his bowl and said,

"Here, you eat this.  I don't like macaroni and cheese."

Then he promptly left.

When will I learn?

- 12 January 2013

Periodicals

Taking Justin and Ethan anywhere is never a boring process.  It is especially exciting in the truck since they are so very, very close.

Justin was very excited to tell me all about the last time he spent the night at Winston's house.  He began a highly excitable story about video games.

"What's Halo Four?" I asked.

This was not the question I had intended to ask.  My thought was, "which one is this, and is this the latest version?"

"It's the newest Halo," he said with a sigh.  "It's the one after three."

Precisely what I expected and was desperately trying to avoid.

"Yeah, Dad, jeez!" Ethan said, without looking up from his video game.  "Catch up on your old people magazines!"

Well, forgive me.  My subscription ran out.

- 21 December 2012

Heaven

Some friends of ours have a son that started high school this fall.  As part of the effort to drag him into this phase of his life, his mother "helped" him clean out his room.   I am still unclear about how much kicking, screaming and gnashing of teeth went into this process but the result was an enormous box filled with toys and trading cards deemed too young for the new Freshman.  When we visited over the Labor Day weekend, the box was graciously donated to my, slightly younger, sons.

Arriving home late in the evening all contents of the van were forgotten in lieu of warm showers and soft beds.  The next morning Justin and I went out to unpack the car.  Justin was not aware of the contents of the box and, as I began to dig it out, I explained.  His eyes widened with anticipation.  Finally I reached the box and flipped open the lid.

"Heaven threw up," he said, starring into it's depths.

Um, is that a good thing?

"Little boy heaven threw up in this box."

Ah, yes - a good thing.  After that, I never saw the box again. 

- 3 September 2012