Christmas Cookies

As each member of the family pulled up a chair to the dining room table, preparing to decorate Christmas cookies, Justin appeared and plopped himself down.

"Do we have any flesh color?" he asked the room at large, surveying the frosting choices.  "I want to make a penis."

Silence filled the room while Justin picked out a candy cane cookie.

"I want to give it to grandma.  I think she'll enjoy a penis cookie."

What do you say to that?  All we could do was shake our heads and be grateful that there was no flesh colored frosting.

- 23 December 2014

Ready to Rock

"Okay Grandpa, you ready to rock?" Ethan asked.

"What am I even doing here?" Matt asked. "You seem to know how to do everything."

"Yes I do!" five-year-old Ethan replied.

- 27 November 2008

Have Your Cake and Eat it Too

Ashley spent most of the afternoon with Logan picking out birthday cakes for his fourth birthday.  Late in the afternoon, I received a call at work.

"We've narrowed it down to about 15 choices," Ashley said.

"Wow!  Fifteen?" I asked.  "I didn't know that there were that many cake flavors," I said, with a hint of sarcasm.

My mind began to wander as I started to think of different flavors.  Chocolate, vanilla, lemon, mud...wait, no, that's pie.

"Oh, we haven't even started on the flavor combinations yet.  We're just working on the decoration.  The design," she added with the slightest hint of manic desperation.

Oh, golly...and there's still a week to go before his actual birthday.

- 22 August 2012

Uncle Tim

Logan sat admiring Uncle Tim's beaded birthday necklace that was made by his daughters.

"T-I-M spells..."

He paused to consider all of the possibilities.  The silence was broken only by the sound of the gears grinding in his head.

"Tim - it spells Tim," Ashley said, the slightest hint of exasperation coating the words.

Logan shook his head.

"I don't think so mama," he replied, with a note of condescension.

The gears are still grinding.

- 9 August 2012

Word

Dinner.  A noisy, messy affair with lots of good food and a lot of good conversation.  Unfortunately, there is also a lot of chaos and noise.  Did I mention the noise?

On this night in particular it was business as usual.  Logan sat laughing hysterically and uncontrollably at nothing.  Ethan tried desperately to get a word in edgewise while Justin interrupted at every opportunity to talk about reading his friend's diary.  As I gazed across the table, surveying the clan, I realized that Ashley and I had been stunned into silence.  Finally, Ethan gave up.

"Geez, this house is a circus!" he screamed, and got up to leave the table.

Kid, you just said a mouthful.

- 17 November 2014

Lost In Translation

I stood in the doorway looking down at Logan.  He was lying on the floor, next to the cat, stroking his ears.  Every now and then he would whisper something to the animal.

"I'm trying to communicate with him," he said, looking up at me.  

I smiled my best fake smile, careful not to give away the fact that I thought he was insane.  Suddenly, there was a sharp intake of breath.

"Did you see the look he gave me?" he said, looking astonished.  "I must have said a bad word in Kitty."

- 8 December 2014

Lists

"Mom, can you add Easy Bake Oven to my Christmas list so I can be a cook while I'm waiting to grow up to be a scientist?"

Oh, man, I wish I didn't have to wait so long to see how this all turns out.

- 2 December 2014

There's a Hole In My Jaw, There's a Hole In My Jaw

"There's a hole in my jaw!  There's a hole in my jaw!"

Ah, the sound of screaming.  You never get tired of it.  It was like music to my ears, you know, if hell had a sound track.  There is nothing like stepping out of the shower and having the water drain from your ears only to be replaced by this nonsense.

"Logan, what on earth happened?  I was only gone for five minutes."

"Ethan...he...there's..." he gasped through heaving sobs.

"Okay, calm down and explain to me what happened," I said, in an elevated tone.  "And stop crying!" I threw in for good measure, as I surveyed the copious amounts of blood staining his trousers.

Before Logan could say another word, Ethan came roaring up the stairs shouting, "I didn't do it on purpose!  I didn't do it on purpose!"

Oh, I'll just bet!

"Ethan!" I shouted, "what on earth happened?"

"Logan hit his head against my foot," he said, trying to sound innocent but chuckling nevertheless.

Apparently, it's easier to lie through your teeth when they're all still in your head.

"I did not!  Ethan kicked me in the head on purpose!" Logan hollered.

This definitely sounded more plausible.

"I didn't do it on purpose," Ethan protested.

This argument went on for some minutes.  Indeed, Logan barely stopped shouting long enough for me to ascertain that a tooth had, in fact, been dislodged from his jaw by foot or otherwise.

"Meanwhile," I said, having finally determined that it was not a permanent tooth, "where is the tooth?"

This question brought an immediate silence to the proceedings.  They looked at each other and then looked at me.

"Oh, good Lord, let's go look for it," I sighed with exasperation.

We scoured the carpet, the couch, cushions and all, and the room in it's entirety only to turn up empty handed.

"Well, that's just great, Ethan.  It's not bad enough that you kicked it out of his head but you made him swallow it too?  What are we supposed to do now?"

He returned a semi-shocked look.

"You can still get it back," he began.

Don't finish that thought mister.

"You know, the next time he poops."

I have a pair of rubber gloves that says you can get it back from him the next time he poops young man.

"I have a better idea, " I announced.  "You're going to write a letter to the Tooth Fairy explaining why Logan can't put his tooth under his pillow tonight."

"What?" Ethan exclaimed.

"And don't worry, Logan," I said, seeing the dread welling up in his face, "the Tooth Fairy will take a letter in place of your tooth and you'll still get a surprise."

Lord knows she did when Justin kicked one out of your head.  Or was it ripped out while playing horsey and using tooth floss as reins.  In any event, start writing!

- 6 December 2014