The French Letter

All three of my boys are very curious.  Some might say nosy, but I know better.  Despite the fact that it remains true today, it was especially true when they were three years old.  Logan was no exception.

"Daddy, what's in there?" Logan asked, as he pulled open the drawer of my bedside table.

I lay on the bed with my back towards him, reading a book.

"Stuff," I replied, believing stupidly that he would immediately lose interest.

"What's the red thingy?" he asked.

"Red thingy?" I said, a slight panic in my voice.

I bolted upright, my mind frantically searching for the item called, "the red thingy."  It turned out to be the air horn Ashley got me for Christmas.

Why do I have an air horn in my bedside table?  Ask any father of two or more boys and they will share the virtually endless uses and advantages.  For example, do you have trouble getting your sons out of bed and ready for school in the mornings?  Air horn.  Tired of the constant bickering and fighting?  Air horn.  Does the dinner table frequently become noisy with overrunning conversations that nobody can understand?  Air horn.  I assume they have practical uses outside of the home as well.

"What's this?" he asked, unearthing a tin and rattling it.

Ooo!  Condoms.

That's enough of Daddy's bedside table.

- 1 March 2012

Favorites

I don’t even know what we were talking about but this was definitely not a new conversation topic.

“You have favorites,” Logan insisted, speaking of himself and his brothers. 

“No, I don’t,” I assured him.  

“Yes you do.  Me!  I’m your only non-evil child.”

Well, you do make a good point. 

- 16 December 2017

AM/PM

“Dad?   Daaaad!” Logan shouted in a whisper through the darkness.

It sounded urgent.

“What is it?  What happened?  Is someone hurt?” I asked, trying to rally from a dead sleep and bring my brain into focus.

“Can we open our stockings now?”

What?  You've got to be kidding me.  You're lucky I can't see you well enough to reach out and strangle you.

“No!” I said, firmly, “Now, go back to bed.”

“But it’s 12:47,” he protested.

WTF?

“AM!” I shouted.

I could only imagine what I was unable to see.  There was undoubtedly an angry, pouting face accompanied by arms thrown down at his sides as he turned and stomped off across the carpeted room trying to make every disapproving noise he could think of without getting into trouble for making actual noise.  I didn't hear from him again until seven.

- 25 December 2017

Escape Plan

Logan takes his second grade “homework” very seriously.  Today, the fire department came and did a Safety Always Matters presentation at school.  Part of their homework assignment was to draw a map of the house and include escape routes.  Logan sat down at the dining room table and painstakingly drew out a map of the house.  He marked all the exits, plotted the escape routes and then drew and labeled a picture of the cat. 

Apparently, this map is not fit for human use, so long as the cat knows what to do.

- 21 September 2016

I Win, The End

Yet another discussion/argument on the car ride home between Logan and me.  

“I really want a kitty,” Logan said, from the backseat. 

“Over my dead body!” I managed to exclaim, without using any expletives. 

“How come what you say goes?” he demanded. 

“Because I’m the man of the house,” I said, knowing my wife wasn’t around to hear me.

“Well, everyone gets a vote,” he continued. 

I'd be open to that.  So long as the vote is, “No kitty.”

“No, I win, the end,” I said.

As far as I was concerned, the matter was now closed.

“Huh uh, Mom has more potential than you,” he sassed. 

Potential?  Maybe.

Pull, clout, say so?  Hardly.

Awesomeness?  Never.

- 30 October 2017

Typical Teenager

Justin and Ashley were riding in the van and Ashley was sort of talking to herself when Justin decided to butt in.

“Sometimes when you talk, I just want to kill myself.”

We love you too, sweetheart. 

- 16 December 2016

Eclectica

Justin and I were driving the new truck home from Pullman after Christmas.  Justin was deeply engrossed in his new book, the radio was playing and I was enjoying the scenery as the music faded into commercial.

“Eclectica...”

That sounds interesting, I thought.

“...because not all toys are for children.”

I'm not sure what happened next because my brain did a back flip.  I tried to reach for the radio dial but found myself paralyzed.  

“Purveyors of lingerie, lotions, potions and adult toys,” the voice continued.  

Egad!

Before I could even formulate a thought, Justin chimed in.

“I can only think of one toy that's not made for children,” he said without looking up.  

I nearly ran off the road.  Dear Lord, what do I do?  Do I say something?  Should I ask?  Is this how it’s going to end, with me having a conversation with my eleven-year-old about adult toys?  I remember when you were only a child.  It seems like only five minutes ago.

Unfortunately, or perhaps much to my relief, I never did find out what toy he was referring to.  He just went right back to his book and didn’t say another word.

- 26 December 2011

Leyendo en Español

“Logan, have you done your reading for today?” I asked. 

“Um, yes,” he said, avoiding my eyes.

“No you haven’t.  You need to read in Spanish,” I said. 

“I might not even have a Spanish library book!” he retorted. 

“That’s okay, we have plenty of books in Spanish.  You check to see if it’s a Spanish reading night and I'll know exactly what to do,” I told him. 

“I don’t like any of the books we have in Spanish,” he complained. 

“Oh, really?” I asked, “Which ones don’t you like?”

There was a pause as he headed down the hall.

“You know, the ones in Spanish,” he hollered, angrily. 

Pretty soon he headed into his room and slammed the door.

“Logan, are you reading?” I called, loudly. 

“Duh!” he shouted, through the door.

Duh, meaning “no”.

He opened the door just a crack and shouted, “Nobody disturb me!” and slammed the door again.

Nobody disturb me, meaning “I’m busy doing everything except the one thing you asked me to do and I don’t want you to find out.”

- 16 October 2017

The Toothbrush Factory

Logan had failed to draw breath for the past half hour.  I was drifting in and out of the conversation, adding an occasional comment at the appropriate interval, nodding and smiling and doing my part.  As any parent will tell you, having children means you will never have another moment's peace.  Suddenly, my attention was arrested and I was drawn back to reality.

“You know Lexie.  My partner.  She picked me and then I picked her.”

All at once I kind of wish I knew what we were talking about.

“Her dad is the manager of...” he trailed off to think, “...of the toothbrush factory?”

It came out as more of a question than a statement.  My mind was blank.  It was like some sort of horrible riddle.  Now, I know a lot of people in various lines of work but I am darn near certain that I don't know a manager of a toothbrush factory.  The expectant silence was growing uncomfortable.  He looked up at me with a pleading expression.  I took a shot in the dark.

“You mean the dentist's office?” I asked hopefully.

“Yes,” he replied, apparently relieved.

“You mean her dad's the dentist at the dentist's office.”

“Yes, dentist's office.”

Whew!

- 27 October 2016

I Can Float

In response to my announcement that swimming lessons would start up again at the end of October.

“Yeah, Dad can we shut that down?” Logan asked. 

I returned a look of puzzlement.

“I think I've learned enough.  I can float.”

- 18 September 2017

One Up

The fourth of July was winding down.  It had been celebrated with its usual fanfare and, after we had finished watching the neighbors set their field on fire and the spectacular city fireworks display, we piled into the car for the midnight ride home.  Everyone was tired and the boys were starting to push each other's buttons.  Sooner or later, tempers were bound to erupt.  Sure enough...

“Ethan, you're a dork loser idiot!” Logan hollered.

Seemingly unfazed, Ethan replied, “If I'm a dork loser idiot then you're a naked dork loser idiot.”

- 4 July 2017

Radio Stations

“Change the channel,” Justin demanded from the backseat. 

“No,” I replied, just for sport. 

Besides, I like this station and the fact that you don’t makes it that much sweeter.

“What if I cry, then will you change the channel?”

No, but I might laugh.  Just a little.

- 18 June 2017

The Progression of Things

Walking to the car after swimming lessons on a warm fall evening.  We started out talking about the temperature and then the weather in general followed by rain specifically when one thing led to another and bing, bang, boom we were talking about poop.

“All animals poop on the ground out in the woods, you know,” I said.

“I only know of one animal that doesn't,” Logan said.

“Doesn't poop?” I asked. 

“Yeah.”

“Which one?” I asked, my curiosity peaked.

“Bats!” he said proudly. 

“Bats?  Are you serious?  They poop like crazy.  Haven't you ever heard of guano?”

“No!  Are you serious?”

“Of course I'm serious.”

“What about penguins?” he wanted to know. 

“Yes.”

“Really?  What about platypuses?”

“They poop too.  Everybody poops, you know.  There's even a book about it.”

Dead silence.

“What book?”

“A book about pooping.  It's called Everybody Poops.”

Another long pause.

“Are you being serious right now?” he asked. 

“Quite,” I said. 

“Man, I have a lot to learn,” he whispered.

- 27 September 2016

Take a Leaf

Ashley to Justin, probably about homework.

“You could do with taking a leaf from Ethan's book.”

“I'm not going to write a book, it takes too long.”

But that's not what...oh, brother.  Where do I begin?

- 6 October 2017

Vending Machines

For one reason or another I found myself having to bring Ethan to work with me.  Fortunately, the bank branch where I work has an enormous lunch room in the basement, complete with a kitchen, couch and vending machines.  Ethan had come prepared with things to keep him occupied, so I left him with specific instructions related to movement and behavior and went back upstairs to work.  Keep in mind that this basement lunch room was used by the entire staff of this three-story building, not just the branch staff where I worked.  Many of the others would not know who Ethan was or why he was there.  I checked on Ethan periodically, each time reminding him not to bother people and each time he would ask, in vain, for quarters to use the vending machine.

A little while later my boss called me into her office.  She closed the door and sat down behind her desk.

“I have to tell you what Ethan did,” she said, in a very serious voice.

Oh my word.  My heart skipped a beat.  Well, it's been nice working with all of you.

Suddenly, the meeting took an unexpected turn.

She had come down to the lunch room to find Ethan, arms at his sides, leaning his head against the glass of the vending machine starring at its contents.  He let out a tremendous sigh.  Without looking up and in his most pathetic voice he said,

“I would ask you for a quarter but my dad says I'm not allowed to.”

- Circa 2010

Not Just for Shopping

The other day my wife came up to me and asked if I knew why there was a shopping cart in our backyard filled with branches.  That is odd, I admitted.  Where do other families keep their shopping carts?  I don’t want to be the only one doing it wrong.

I looked out the back window to see for myself and, sure enough, there was a Safeway shopping cart on the other side of the fence.  That seemed like a peculiar way to do the yard work.  We live two miles away from that particular grocery store and we have yard waste bins already on hand.

Today my wife discovered that Ethan and his friends found the cart at a local elementary school so, naturally, they brought it home and gave each other rides up and down the alley behind our house.  I still don’t know about the branches.

- 15 August 2017

My Wife's Lament

My wife flopped down on the bed next to me.  This is the point at which she had had enough.

"Weeding bites wind and so do cats.

And being a maid.

I have done nothing but clean up boy crap for five days and host sleepovers, which are very different than the ones I used to have.  These involve eating and drinking everything in the house, trying to sneak out, staying up all night watching video games, and not bathing for days.

It's going to take me years to get the boy smell out of my basement!

One kid's been here three days.  We may have accidentally adopted him. 

Okay two days, but it seems like more. 

I may also be exaggerating about the number of days I've been cleaning, but it sucks so I get an extra one."

- 10 April 2015

Fishy

Have you ever seen the show called American Dad?  Well, whether I like it or not, my eight-year-old son has.  (This is what comes from having older brothers and no control over the remote.)  Being eight limits your options and it also doesn't help that I like the show too - Logan didn't stand a chance.  As I sat in the dining room writing and watching the latest in a line of severe thunderstorms parade past the window, Logan sidled up to me and glanced up at the television.  I quickly reached for the remote, attempting to change the channel or turn it off.

“I don't like Claus' German accent,” he said, casually, trying to pass off his knowledge of the show as merely coincidental.

A hundred thoughts ran through my head.  I was glad his brothers were occupied elsewhere.  They would have been all over that comment with the inappropriateness of a camel in a brassiere.  Teenagers like to stir pots, did you know?

“Oh, really?” I asked, “Why?”

“It's just not natural for a fish,” he said, nodding.  Then he turned and left.

A hundred thoughts...but not that one.  That’s what bothers you?

It's just not natural for a fish that can talk, eh?

- 26 June 2017

Jesus?

“Dad, can I help set up the thing?” Logan asked. 

“The nativity set?” I said. 

“Yeah,” he said, tentatively. 

“Of course.  Why don’t I unpack everything and you can arrange them.”

Jesus?  Anyone seen Jesus?

- 3 December 2017

The Best Names

Ever wonder what it would be like if really horrible things had everyday names?  Me neither.  But, apparently Ethan does. 

At lunch one day, Ethan found himself starring at Logan’s chocolate milk. 

"What if ISIS was really called Nesquik?" Ethan asked the table at large. 

- 6 April 2015

I Want to Eat Randy

“Did you hear that?” Logan asked, interrupting our conversation.  

We were sitting in an Italian restaurant, waiting for our to-go order, trying to catch as many Pokémon as we could from our table. 

“I want to eat Randy,” he said, excitedly patting me on the arm.  “I love that song.”

He began to sing a little bit of the song and trailed off as I listened, trying to catch even a hint of the tune.  No such luck. 

“I...want to eat Randy...hmm, hmm, hmm...”

I’m afraid I don’t know that one.  I swear, kids today and their music.  Nodding and smiling, I turned my attention back to the Pokémon.  Another uneventful minute passed while Logan fiddled with my phone and something caught my attention.  Now I could hear the music and it was something I recognized.  Enough of this Randy business.  It was Manic Monday by The Bangles.  What a relief. 

“Just another manic Monday,” I sang, under my breath. 

I began to hum along when I noticed Logan was staring at me. 

“What?” I broke off. 

“You like it too?” he asked.  “I really like that song.”

“What song?” I asked, feeling as though I had missed something. 

“I Want to Eat Randy,” he said, smiling. 

Oh!

- 1 December 2017