Sunday, October 27, 2019

Thirty, Maybe?

After learning of his younger brother’s accident. 
“WTF, Ethan?!  How fast were you going?” Justin demanded from across the kitchen. 
“Thirty, maybe,” Ethan said, shrugging his shoulders. 
“Holy sh**, that’s a school zone!  What were you thinking?”
My wife and I, who were watching with great interest, exchanged surprised glances.  Justin, who was himself a teenager, was upset with Ethan for speeding in a school zone?  Something was up.  But, before Ethan could draw breath...
“You weren’t going 30! Justin exclaimed.  The only person that’s allowed to go 30 in a school zone is me!”
Ah, there it is. 


You probably can't tell, but the car is only resting on two wheels.

- 9 October 2019

You’re Welcome

Have you ever witnessed something that left you feeling stunned but you laughed anyway because it really was funny?

The biennial gathering for my wife’s family reunion was in full swing.  We had all convened in one family’s condo, our condo, to make dinner.  Everyone was visiting and making themselves at home.  No one felt more at ease than my five-year-old.  

My father-in-law, Matt, was relaxing on the couch in the living room when doom surreptitiously approached.  Ethan, as he is known to outsiders, slid silently up beside him and released the latch on the recliner where Matt was seated.  In a split second, the back of the chair disappeared out from underneath him and the footrest sprang up as Matt was propelled backwards with his feet flipped up into the air, over his head. 

The phrase ass-over-tea-kettle comes to mind.  

The spring on that chair was incredibly strong and it knocked the wind out of him as it nearly launched him into the next room.  The room was shrouded in a stunned (and amused) silence, except for Matt's struggling and gasping.

Ethan donned a look of complete satisfaction and before Matt could even come to his senses, he chimed, “You're welcome, Grandpa!” and trotted off down the hall. 

- June 2008

Ever the Optimist

After being questioned by his grandfather about his brother Ethan’s girlfriend, Logan chimed,

“I think this one’s going to last.”


- 15 June 2019

Stupid Freshman Tricks [Video]



"So, I think we had just got out of band practice and it was 7th period but English sucked at this point so I didn’t want to go.  So, me and Jorge were walking around and I finally decided that I had to go to get my homework but I thought it would be funny to come in soaking wet.  So, we walked into the gym locker room and I got under the shower and got soaked.  Then, I made my way to class and I made sure to come in wheezing and wiping my brow and I said, 'man, it's pretty hot out there' and the only people that seemed to care that I was wet were my friends who were laughing."
Do you mean to tell me that you went to all that trouble to show up at English soaking wet and nobody even noticed?  OUTRAGEOUS!

By the way, I love the part where you’re standing there, dripping wet and you discover your cellphone in your pocket.  Classic. 

- Spring 2018

Wednesday, October 9, 2019

Imagine That

Logan and I were having a random, all be it lively, discussion in the car about the geographic poles shifting and the earth suddenly stopping its rotation.  You know, normal father son stuff.  There was a pause in the conversation. 
“Imagine that,” he said with wonder.  “A banker and a fifth-grader talking about the end of the world.”
Truly a thing of beauty?

- 8 October 2019

Friday, June 14, 2019

Hot Lunch

Ethan’s take on lunch at school. 

“I’m kind of glad we’re done with hot lunch.  But I’m kind of not glad because there’re all those yummy hot dogs for little boys to eat like M-E.”

- 2 December 2008

Tuesday, May 7, 2019

I Knew It

Justin is the kind of kid that would not volunteer voluntarily.  There has to be that what’s-in-it-for-me element like a requirement for Boy Scouts or extra credit for a class.  That’s why this whole thing was suspicious.  

Justin went willingly, and of his own accord, to an evening concert at his middle school.  A concert that he had nothing to do with.  No horse in this race.  Now, I’m all for cultural improvement but how many 12-year-olds do you know that have nothing better to be doing on a Tuesday night than going to a middle school music concert unless they are performing?

That’s right, none.  Something is up. 

He left an hour early so that he could help set up the bleachers.  He remained for the sixth-grade band concert in which his friend Winston was playing.  

Hmm, maybe. 

He even helped tune the instruments of the fifth grade orchestra.  But, that’s such an awful endeavor, I knew that couldn’t be it.  And, as if that weren’t enough, he stayed afterwards to help tear everything down. 

Those are almost good reasons, but not quite.

I smell a rat.  Something was up and there was only one possible explanation.  There must be a girl involved...

...so I confronted him about it when I went to pick him up. Ah-ha!  I knew it!  Her name is Ellie.  She has blond hair.

That’s all I could find out. 
"Actually, Dad, it's closer to white."
Oh, sorry.

- 4 December 2012

Monday, May 6, 2019

Awkward

Working from home...sitting at the dining room table.  Justin noisily bursts through the back door arguing with someone.  As he came through the kitchen, he caught sight of me and immediately trailed off.  
“Oh, you’re here,” he said, sheepishly. 
“Yeah, didn’t you see my car?” I asked. 
“No, I just pulled up and was gonna come in yelling and screaming and talking to myself like I always do...” again, he trailed off. 
He threw me a nervous glance.  I raised my eyebrows. 
“I’m just gonna say ‘hello’ to the dog and then go,” he said, looking away. 
“Okay, well it was good to see you,” I said, trying to sound casual. 
“Yeah, it was good to see you too,” he replied, not meeting my eyes. 
- 4 September 2018