Choose Your Words Wisely

Logan was lying on the bed, holding both of the guinea pigs on his tummy when I said something completely innocuous (because nothing I say is ever funny).

Logan began to giggle, rocking the piggies like a small boat in choppy seas.  I tried to get him to stop laughing, lest he launch the piggies right off the bed, but apparently asking him if he had farted was not how to do that.

- 8 November 2017

Time to Iron Your Birthday Suit

When we started out on our walk that morning I never imagined there would wind up being the potential for a conversation about the birds and the bees.  Justin was 11 and the two of us were in the habit of getting up early, before the rest of the family, and going for walks around the neighborhood.  We had a regular route that took us on a mile long loop.  For the most part, the walk was solitary except for an occasional jogger or early morning dog walker.

This morning, however, was different.  Rounding the last corner, on the final leg of our journey, we passed a row of houses, lining a creek opposite a thicket of forest.  It was 5:30 a.m. and the sky was still completely black.  Clearly, these residents were used to seclusion and many, if not most, left the blinds open allowing passersby to have an unimpeded view of every aspect of their home lives.

There, in the window of the nearest house, was a woman walking around.  All at one we had a deer-in-the-headlights moment and both of us suddenly stopped.  She was completely and utterly, totally naked.  Granted, this was her house and she had every right to do as she pleased but this woman was not exactly a super model.  Justin's mouth dropped open and I stood there blinking as she paraded around in the living room and into the kitchen for a glass of water.

Just then, it dawned on me that we had stopped in the middle of the dark street, so I picked up Justin's jaw off the ground and we quickly moved along.

"Oh, my gosh!  How will I survive?" he exclaimed, shaking his head as we walked towards home in silent disbelief.

You?  You're still young.  Meanwhile, I will never be able to go to another block party.

- 29 March 2012

The Well Organized Mind

Ashley was in the car with Ethan and George.  The boys were talking about grandfathers being in wars when, deep in the middle of the conversation, Ethan bursts out laughing.  Suddenly he starts talking about a Twinkie Car.  (Albeit funny, it’s doubtful that the Twinkie Car saw much action during the war!?)

“Dude, that's not even what we were talking about,” said George. 

Beam back to earth Ethan!

- 28 October 2011

Urban Dictionary

It was bath time and Logan was taking a shower.  Justin had decided that, despite the unoccupied status of the other bathroom, he wanted to use this bathroom.  Heckling ensued and it was on!  Justin, however, had failed to realize just one thing.  The more you heckle Logan, the longer he takes and Logan wasn't having any of it. 

“Be quiet you tool,” he shouted, from underneath the spray of water.

- 16 June 2017

Meatloaf

Logan and I had just piled into the car after I had gone to pick him up from school.  We fastened our seatbelts and headed for home.

“Dad, you know what we’re gonna make tonight?” Logan asked excitedly. 

“Meatloaf?” I asked, starting to formulate a dinner plan. 

“No!”

No?  Oh, that’s too bad, I really wanted meatloaf.  Well, then I got nothin’. 

“The thingy,” he said. 

I’m trying to get a clear picture of it but nothing is coming to mind. 

“The thingy?” I asked. 

“Yes,” he said, with exasperation, “you know, with the stuff.”

He was clearly upset that I was being so dense.  Though he was not aware of the fact, I already knew what thingy and what stuff.  I just get a kick out of messing with him.

"Well, if we use the stuff, that will be a mighty good thingy."

I tried no to smile.

All I could see in the rearview mirror was a glare.

- 21 November 2017

Speaking Ethan

I just had a fascinating conversation with my nine-year-old, Ethan.  He told me all about sandstorm Sandy (aka hurricane Sandy).  We discussed the sticky thing in his pocket (I still don’t know what it was).  He asked questions about having ADHD.  There was a serious talk about cute babies being cute, and I believe there were also some monkeys involved.

- 13 November 2012

Genealogical Research

Justin and his friend, Winston, are two very clever 11-year-old young men.  On this particular summer afternoon, they had no interest whatsoever in exercise and fresh air but seeking instead, the status of Ultimate Couch Potato.  Unfortunately, while they may be clever, they are not very stealth.

“Can you put in the code for the TV?” Justin asked.

We had activated the V-chip so as to get a handle on their screen time.

“No,” I said.

“Can you put in the code for the Wii?” he asked.

“No,” I repeated.

It's a beautiful afternoon, go outside and play.

“What's your mother's maiden name?” he asked, innocently.

“Nice try,” I replied, knowing that they wanted to bypass the security question and reset one of the passwords that I refused to part with.

“Can we go to the library?” he inquired.

“Yes!” I said, enthusiastically.

Finally, a decent suggestion.  Wait a second...

“You know what they're going there to do?” Ethan casually asked me, from his place on the couch.

You mean they're not going to innocently read books?

“No,” I admitted.

Apparently, their plan was to use a computer to visit ancestry.com.  They wanted to research my wife's mother's maiden name because that's the security question in case you forget the Wii password.

Try using your powers for good instead of evil.

- July 2012