I Don't Think Ethan Knows What That Means

It is amazing how your own children's words will make their way back to you.  Having a chance to spend time with your children's friends is rare but enlightening.  The perspective that it provides is two-fold.  In the first place, you can find out what is really going on in their lives without your child pre-screening the information.  Secondly, you are provided the much needed affirmation that other parents are going through the same thing despite what you may have been led to believe.  If you ever find yourself in this situation remember these sage words.  You are going to get information of every shape, size and volume whether you like it or not.  Will it be alarming, amusing and potentially embarrassing?  Yes.  So, fasten your seat belts because it's priceless.

Case in point: George.

I was looking after George during our nightly YMCA adventure while his mother ran home and he stayed behind to play with my son.  Since kindergarten, George has been one of Ethan's best friends.  Indeed, this quote sums it up nicely.

"A whole day without George is like a day without peanut butter."

- 29 September 2009

Obviously a bad day no matter how you slice it as Ethan loves peanut butter above all else.  These two are basically the same boy living with different families.  Both are tall, wiggly, space-invading, 3rd-grade Cub Scouts who you can always hear.  Always.  Each one thinks that the other is extremely funny and they spend a great deal of time trying to live up to that standard.  Their bodies and mouths are in a state of perpetual motion.

This evening, after I had herded Ethan off to swimming lessons, George and I went to watch from the viewing gallery.  As we went to sit down, I was not aware of having made contact with the seat before the conversation was under way. 

"My brother is the 'zero percent guy' you want to have in your house.  Ethan is the 'one hundred percent guy' you want to have in your house," he announced.

I did my best to participate but it is difficult to be prepared for an interview when you don't know what job you've applied for.

"He is, huh?" 
"Ya, my brother is baaaaaaaad.  Ethan is goooooooood."
"I'm sure you like your brother a little bit."
"I like him five percent," he stated.
"Well, that's something to build on," I said.
"What is Ethan's favorite show?" he asked.
Okay...  "Mad," I said.
"I like that one too...and Myth Busters.  Did you know I have a pet parrot?" he inquired.

I only had time to open my mouth.

"Actually it's a parakeet," he continued.

This line of conversation went on for several minutes.  I managed to throw in an occasional question about pet care and flying schedules but I was in no way a major contributor.

"What is Ethan's favorite soda?"
"Orange," I said.  "Like Fanta."
"Oh.  Mine is Coke," he replied.

This too went on for several entertaining minutes.  I was informed about the many different Coke-branded products that existed around the world and the spectacular collection that was recently auctioned off which almost certainly contained all of them and more.

So far I was doing very well.  I was apparently showing the proper amount of enthusiasm, using the correct facial expressions and chuckling in all the right places.  Indeed, I have had years of practice and was thoroughly enjoying myself.

As the conversation circled around to Ethan for a third lap, my mind began to wander.  I started to realize that what I thought was "just Ethan," constantly regaling us with stories of George and asking questions about him that I was powerless to answer, was actually "just boy."  This is the same conversation I was constantly involved in at home only now George is asking about Ethan.

After a moment I realized that I had lost the thread of the conversation.  The only voices I could hear were those in my head.  I looked over at George.  He obviously had a radio on in his head.  Suddenly he burst out in song, right in the middle of Last Friday Night (T.G.I.F) by Katy Perry.

"There's a stranger in my bed.  There's a pounding in my..."  He trailed off still humming the tune.  After a moment of silence he looked up at me and said, "my mom listens to that." 

I laughed hard and mentally tightened my seat belt. 

"Ethan's mom listens to that too," I assured him. 

Meanwhile I was frantically texting George's mother and relaying this hilarious turn of events.  Once I had sent the text I looked up and saw George with a firm grip on his hair, struggling with his thoughts.  His face was contorted and he was fidgeting.  There was something very important that he wanted to say he just couldn't find it in his head.

"Oh, Ethan knows so many words that I don't know," he said to his lap.
"Ethan knows so many words that even Ethan doesn't know," I assured him.  "Don't let him fool you."
"Ethan said that Justin's got a little bit of puberty...and you don't want that!"

Dear God, please deliver me from this spot...and hurry.

"I don't think that Ethan knows what that means and you probably don't either," I said.
"No, but Ethan said I didn't want it and I believe him!"

It was at that moment that I noticed George's father standing behind us listening to the conversation.  There was nothing to do except shake my head and shake his hand.  Look him right in the eye?  Absolutely.  These fellow parents are people I consider to be friends and, remember, I'm sitting there talking to their son. Undoubtedly they have had a similar experience talking to my son.  I look them right in the face with an expression that says, "I know what you're going through...I have three at home just like this," and they understand.

- 22 September 2011