The Great Pumpkin

As with any language, success is not always measured by the individual's mastery of the dialect.  Often, it is the interaction with other native and non-native speakers that hones our skills and prevents us from making an ass of ourselves.

A visit to our local pumpkin farm is always an autumn treat.  Picking out the perfect pumpkin is something that the boys absolutely relish.  Last year, however, my wife was ill and the task of taking all three boys to pick out pumpkins fell to me...alone.

"Dad, I want to get the biggest pumpkin they have," Justin announced.

"Okay," I replied.  Really, how big could that be?

Now, there are several important factors to consider when a father (a large boy himself) takes his sons on an adventure of this nature.  Indeed, the missing dose of estrogen may well have prevented circumstances from getting out of hand.  Alas, no estrogen was to be found.

Factors to deliberate:

• Would this pumpkin have won a ribbon at the county fair?  Yes.
• Can the pumpkin in question be ridden?  That is to say, should it have sprouted legs and galloped around the paddock would the boy have been able to ride it like a large, orange horse?  Yes.
• Have you been subconsciously scanning the crowd of onlookers to see who is wearing an expression of horror at what is certain to be your undoing?  Yes.
• Was there concern that you might recognize any of them and they, in turn, would tip off your wife?  Yes.
• Was there concern that you might not recognize anyone and be forced to ask a complete stranger to help you load this behemoth into your car?  Yes.
• Did the previous concern raise a red flag seeing as how you have no trouble lifting the son in question?  No.
• Should it have?  Yes.

Ashley was sick.  Perhaps she wouldn't notice.  But she would not be sick forever and eventually she was bound to wonder about the sudden appearance of a large orange boulder on the front walk.   Having settled comfortably into blissful ignorance, Justin and I wrestled the pumpkin onto the wagon the very best way we could.  We finally climbed the hill and presented our find to the cashier.  It was here that we were confronted with our final opportunity to come to our senses.  If only we had.

The farm could only charge us for a 60 pound pumpkin because that is where the scales capacity ended and the pumpkin began.

To this day we still don't know how much it actually weighed.  All I do know is that it took a furniture dolly to move it to the front porch and two garbage collections to dispose of the evidence.

- 26 October 2010

Piece of Cake?

"Justin, what do you want for your birthday?"

"Umm, cheese!"

Excellent.  Done!  For your 4th birthday I might even consider getting you two kinds of cheese.

- 21 October 2003

I'm Sorry I Yelled

"You broke my feelings."

Yeah?  Well, I'll bet that my foot hurts a lot more than your feelings!

- 24 October 2005

Had You Been Wondering

On a Sunday afternoon in January we went for a walk with the boys.  The sun was out and we all needed the fresh air.  True to life, five-year-old Justin galloped along with me jogging in his wake.  Being only two, Ethan ambled along, holding Ashley's hand, in no apparent hurry.  Ethan had been carefully studying the ground as he walked.

"There are our shadows, us and me...but not Cooper, he's not here!"

- 8 January 2006

A Sense of Accomplishment

Taking stock of his room, Justin stood in his doorway and said,

"I've done things in my life."

Indeed.  Now, if you wouldn't mind cleaning them up, the FBI would like to make sure Jimmy Hoffa isn't in here.

- 20 November 2006

Cooper, the Cat

"It's so fluffy and full of kittyness!"

Well isn't that sweet?  Now run and get a paper towel.  His kittyness is all over the living room rug and your mother will be home any minute.

- 22 November 2006

Roommates

When Justin found out that Ashley was pregnant, he was seven years old and already had four-year-old brother.

"If it's a boy he can stay in my room...if it's a girl, Ethan can have her!"

- 22 January 2008

Cheeky Monkey

"When I die and go to God, I'm gonna tell Him I want to go home.  It's a little bit boring at God's place."

Just be sure to take a glass of ice water if you're going to be fresh.  There may be a detour.

- 12 November 2004

Animal Crackers

"I don't like these but they sure are good!"

Would you like a glass of milk to wash down the crazy...or are you good?

- 17 June 2005

5-Year-Old-Math

"Mom, what's the number none?"

- 23 March 2006

Perception Is Reality

"SpongeBob got a cookie.  I want a cookie.  That's not fair!"

Which part's not fair, again?  The part where you didn't get a cookie or the part where I have to explain to your mother why a two-year-old is watching TV?  Damn, now I want a cookie!

- 20 November 2005

Done and Done

"Dad...you really should say sorry for ruining my life."

Wow!  I'm way ahead of schedule.  You're only four.  I had better get started on your brother.

- 19 October 2005

It's Good to Have a Plan

One afternoon, Justin stood in the doorway watching me change his brother's dirty diaper.

"If I have to do that, I'm not gonna get married.  I'm gonna make my wife do it or I'll throw away her jewelry."

I always say, it's good to have a plan.

- 22 February 2006

How Old is Old?

An entire week has elapsed since my in-laws came for a visit and six days have passed since my wife purchased a new purse.  Since its introduction into our household, the purse has been seated in plain sight on a bench in the living room where every member of the family parades past it no less than four times a day.  My oldest son finally caught sight of it just yesterday.

"Mom, Grandma left her purse here," he hollered.

"No Justin, that's mine."

"Why do you have an old lady purse?" he asked.

In the silence that greeted these words, I mentally put all of my chips in on the old lady.  I'd watch my step if I were you, Justin.  If you end up having to throw down with her, she'll beat you with that purse tied behind her back.  Either that or she'll beat you with her purse...or her walker.

- 16 October 2011

Hook, Line and Stinker

Days before his 3rd birthday, Justin came to me looking extremely dejected.

"Daddy, I'm sad."

"Why?" I asked.

"People don't like me," he said.

This was very concerning news.  He's not even three!  Who are these people...and where can I find them?

"What?!  Justin that's not true.  Who told you that?"

"The cat."

- 5 November 2003

What Are You?

On one of the rare occasions when I became exasperated with my middle son (then 3), my oldest (then 5) offered these words of consolation.

"Oh, Ethan," Justin said, quietly shaking his head.  "He doesn't know how the world works.  He doesn't know what to do or what he wants or what he is." 

Justin lifted his head and called to the next room,

"Hey, Ethan?  What are you?"

"Pretty," came the reply.

- 27 October 2006

Let's run through this one more time...

"I'm the gadget maker and the brains.  Ethan's the loco one and you and Mom are the ones who take me places and tell me what to do."

Genius inventor, crazy person, secretary and chauffeur.  That's quite a staff roster you have there.  Well, at least I'll know what to put on my resume.

- 12 July 2007

Guinness Book of What Kind of Records?

As a parent, you are constantly on the lookout for signs that the knowledge you are imparting to your children is having some effect...any effect.  I mean, who am I kidding?  If I only have to remind them to stop answering the front door in their underwear six times in a day instead of seven, I'm not going to split hairs.

Justin and his brother have found endless fascination in the weird and wonderful realm of the Guinness Book of World Records.  What started out as a quest to break an already established record has become a tireless mission to set a record of their very own.

...if only they could think of the perfect record to set...

Each of our visits to Costco or a local bookstore finds them drooling over the newest edition of the Guinness Book.  Never has an opportunity been missed to ask - nay, beg - for a copy for their birthday, Christmas, Easter, Columbus Day, Flag Day...or Tuesday.

During one of our weekly visits to the library, I was excited to witness my shared wisdom being put into action.  Justin not only remembered that he could find the book at the library but he remembered to ask the librarian when he had trouble finding it on his own.  Naturally, I watched the scene unfold from a distance, not being certain that I had been given permission to be seen in public with him.

Guiding Justin through the stacks, the librarian asked him what Guinness records he was out to break or set.  There was absolutely no hesitation when he said,

"Most burps in a day, most farts in an hour."

Ohh!  So close!  I'm fairly certain I had to stifle a yelp.

- 28 April 2009

Everyone's a Critic

My sons have always had strong opinions about life.  This was my 4-year-old.

"When I die, I'm gonna tell God it takes too long for the sun to come up!"

Good luck with that.

- 22 December 2004

Young American Poetry Digest 2011

My middle son, Ethan, is your typical 8-year-old.  Always talking, always moving, always hungry.  His two states of consciousness, awake and slightly less awake, coincide with his two volumes, loud and louder.  He is constantly trying to get us to call him by a variety of nicknames.  Despite his success at school, however, his nickname efforts on the home front have failed. 

Ethan's school work, among other things, follows closely along these lines.  Consequently, a story or poem he has composed will have certain requisite elements including: nicknames, noise, damage and banishment.  When this poem appeared in Young American Poetry Digest for 2011 none of us were surprised.  Proud, but not surprised. 

POE AND MOE

There was a guy named Poe.

He used to play with Moe.

But they screamed too loud.

And broke the crowd.

And there he never again goes.

- Spring 2011

Sometimes I Dream

"Mom, sometimes I dream that I'm Shark Boy and sometimes I dream that I'm Shark Boy but with my same hair."

- 7 February 2008

21st Century

"Momma!  I texin Gramma!"
(He's two.)

- 5 March 2011

Poor Jesus

"I feel bad for Jesus."

"Why?" I asked.

"Because we didn't go to church."

"Do you remember why we didn't go to church?" I inquired.

"Because Justin pushed me and we had to go to the emergency room.  Do you think we ruined His birthday?"

- 24 December 2008

Traumatic Colored Glasses

While on an early morning walk I mentioned to my oldest son that I would soon be wearing glasses.

"WHAT? You're going to get glasses? I don't want you to wear glasses!"

Umm, okay.

"Dad I don't want to look at you while you're wearing glasses."

Well, since the sight of my plain face is borderline traumatic I guess I'll know exactly what to do if I want you to go away...punk.  I assured him that I could still see well enough to aim a swift kick at his behind.

- 12 September 2011

Innovative

All three boys are in constant trouble for inturrupting conversations.  Indeed, it is difficult to string three words together in my house, let alone finish an entire thought or conversation.  As I attempted to relate an amusing annecdote to my wife, of which Ethan had been a part, I was once again inturrupted.  Ethan barged right in and picked up the story where he had cut me off, then paused, turned to me and said,

"Sorry Dad.  I didn't want you to have to do all the work."

All I could manage was, "thank you," and a chuckle.

- 6 March 2009

May I Push Your Buttons?

Justin and Ethan are typical siblings, always trying to get the other's dander up.  When all else fails, their go-to button-to-push is making fun of the other person's name.  Ever the helpful older brother, Justin offered this explanation for the 5-year-old tantrum that had just commenced.

"I think he's mad because you named him Ethan."

Did I laugh out loud?  A little.

- 26 July 2007

Suddenly There Came an Epiphany?

My youngest son, Logan, came home early yesterday after a fit of vomiting.  Consequently, he was unable to go to swimming lessons that evening.  There was a great deal of crying and carrying on at the idea of having to forgo his beloved swimming lesson but eventually he settled down.  With eyes full of tears he looked up at me and asked,

"Cam we go to swimming wessons on sex day?"

Ohhhhh boy.  My brain cramped as a thousand thoughts crowded to the front vying for position.  The winner?

"What?!" 

Well played, Andy...pure genius.  Let us dispense with the cumbersome questions and get right to the heart of the matter with this crack investigative strain.

"Cam we go to swimming wessons on sex day?" he repeated.
"Sex day?" I asked again.
"Um, yeah," he said.

Hmmm.  More brain cramping. 

Logan stood there staring at me patiently.  Meanwhile, my remaining thoughts began to riot and the conversation in my head deteriorated rapidly.  What could he mean?  Where is he learning this stuff?  What does he know?  What else does he know?  Are we getting our money's worth or should we be asking for a refund?  This is Tuesday...do you suppose he is talking about Wednesday?  And that's when Bevis and Butthead arrived. 

Heh, heh, he said 'sex day'...hump day...Wednesday...get it? 

I am not proud.

Suddenly there came an epiphany.

"Do you mean six day?" I asked hopefully.
"Yeah!" he nodded.

I opened my mouth to speak but nothing happened so I closed it again.  All at once I realized I had no idea what that meant either.  Pickle, pickle...it's like being involved in a real life three-year-old version of Choose Your Own Adventure.  The wrong response could land you on page 29 where you are murdered by a 50-foot slug or a man-eating toilet seat.  I am a college educated man who is rarely at a loss for words and I was not about to be undone by a preschooler. 

"Yes, we'll go on six day," I decided. 

That's right, watch the master at work.

"Okay," he said as he turned on his heal and hurried out of the room.

Sigh.  Now to find an aspirin and a Logan-to-English dictionary.  Didn't one of my other sons mention that he knew how to speak Human?

- 4 October 2011

I Need to Find a Place

After being sick for several days I finally consented to go to the walk-in clinic. Ashley stayed at home with Justin and Logan (then less than two months old) and I took Ethan.  Having checked in, we were asked the usual questions.  What are your symptoms?  How long have you been sick?  Who should we notify in case you die from the wait?

As you can imagine, there are few activities that a five-year-old would find diverting.  Thankfully, Ethan managed to find entertainment in several of the waiting room magazines.  Now, had I been in a more human state, it may have come to my attention sooner that Ethan was not interested in the magazines but moreover the paper inserts.  It wasn't until he had shredded nearly all of them into very tiny pieces and confettied the floor that I realized what was happening.

"Ethan! What are you doing?" I exclaimed.
"I shredded these papers," he happily explained.
"Why are they all over the floor?"
"Because I dropped them."

Can't argue with logic.

"Ethan, you need to pick all of this up. Every bit, okay?"
"Okay dad."

He worked very hard to pick up each and every tiny little scrap.  Once he had finished he brought the handful of paper to me and, having been unsuccessful in locating a garbage can, announced to the crowded room,

"I need to find a place to dump all this crap!"

Well, it looks like I won't die waiting after all.  I think that just took care of it.

- 20 October 2008

Fingernails

"Okay Dad, but don't cut the fingernails on my feetsies."

- 20 March 2011

Dog License

The boy's hair is getting woolly. Indeed, they are beginning to resemble sheep dogs. So, in order to avoid having to buy them each a license, I told them Friday that they had two days to say goodbye...Sunday would be haircut day.  As if on cue, the usual dramatics and carrying on commenced.

"What will our friends say?" one asked.

Probably, "hello, nice to see you...where have you been all year?"

"This is very bad for our self esteem. Don't you care about us?" the other one asked.

Of course I care about you, Cousin It, but I am certain that you will emerge from your tonsorial experience with your young psyche intact. Today, they migrated their pleas for deliverance to their mother because they knew, as far as I was concerned, the discussion was closed. Ashley kept assuring them that it wouldn't be cut too short but would simply be tidied up.  At dinner, Ashley pointed at both boys and made clear that they had better do a terrific job cleaning their hair in the shower tonight or tomorrow there would be buzz cuts.  This announcement was met with complete silence as they pondered this proposal (threat).  Meanwhile, I arranged a semi-evil grin on my face and said, tongue-in-cheek,

"Well, if you like my hairdo then you have nothing to worry about." 

Immediately Logan piped up.

"Daaad...you don't have any hair."

Thank you Logan.

- 1 October 2011

High Brow Cuisine

"Mom! Dad! I love this octopus!"

Too bad it was only lasagna.

- 27 February 2011