"Do we have any flesh color?" he asked the room at large, surveying the frosting choices. "I want to make a penis."Silence filled the room while Justin picked out a candy cane cookie.
"I want to give it to grandma. I think she'll enjoy a penis cookie."What do you say to that? All we could do was shake our heads and be grateful that there was no flesh colored frosting.
"Okay Grandpa, you ready to rock?" Ethan asked.
"What am I even doing here?" Matt asked. "You seem to know how to do everything."
"Yes I do!" five-year-old Ethan replied.- 27 November 2008
"We've narrowed it down to about 15 choices," Ashley said.
"Wow! Fifteen?" I asked. "I didn't know that there were that many cake flavors," I said, with a hint of sarcasm.My mind began to wander as I started to think of different flavors. Chocolate, vanilla, lemon, mud...wait, no, that's pie.
"Oh, we haven't even started on the flavor combinations yet. We're just working on the decoration. The design," she added with the slightest hint of manic desperation.Oh, golly...and there's still a week to go before his actual birthday.
"T-I-M spells..."He paused to consider all of the possibilities. The silence was broken only by the sound of the gears grinding in his head.
"Tim - it spells Tim," Ashley said, the slightest hint of exasperation coating the words.Logan shook his head.
"I don't think so mama," he replied, with a note of condescension.The gears are still grinding.
"Geez, this house is a circus!" he screamed, and got up to leave the table.
"I'm trying to communicate with him," he said, looking up at me.I smiled my best fake smile, careful not to give away the fact that I thought he was insane. Suddenly, there was a sharp intake of breath.
"Did you see the look he gave me?" he said, looking astonished. "I must have said a bad word in Kitty."- 8 December 2014
"Mom, can you add Easy Bake Oven to my Christmas list so I can be a cook while I'm waiting to grow up to be a scientist?"Oh, man, I wish I didn't have to wait so long to see how this all turns out.
"There's a hole in my jaw! There's a hole in my jaw!"
"Logan, what on earth happened? I was only gone for five minutes."
"Ethan...he...there's..." he gasped through heaving sobs.
"Okay, calm down and explain to me what happened," I said, in an elevated tone. "And stop crying!" I threw in for good measure, as I surveyed the copious amounts of blood staining his trousers.
Before Logan could say another word, Ethan came roaring up the stairs shouting, "I didn't do it on purpose! I didn't do it on purpose!"
"Ethan!" I shouted, "what on earth happened?"
"Logan hit his head against my foot," he said, trying to sound innocent but chuckling nevertheless.
"I did not! Ethan kicked me in the head on purpose!" Logan hollered.
"I didn't do it on purpose," Ethan protested.
"Meanwhile," I said, having finally determined that it was not a permanent tooth, "where is the tooth?"
"Oh, good Lord, let's go look for it," I sighed with exasperation.
"Well, that's just great, Ethan. It's not bad enough that you kicked it out of his head but you made him swallow it too? What are we supposed to do now?"
"You can still get it back," he began.
"You know, the next time he poops."
"I have a better idea, " I announced. "You're going to write a letter to the Tooth Fairy explaining why Logan can't put his tooth under his pillow tonight."
"What?" Ethan exclaimed.
"And don't worry, Logan," I said, seeing the dread welling up in his face, "the Tooth Fairy will take a letter in place of your tooth and you'll still get a surprise."
"Good job out there tonight Justin," I said.
"Dad," he said with a withering glance, "you have to stop wearing those shorts."
"Why?" I inquired as a matter of interest.
"It's a million degrees below zero outside, they're too short and all of my friends are making fun of you."
"Dad, you really need to be more quiet," he said, talking right over top of me.
"We wanted to go and see a movie again tomorrow," Justin told me.
"Which movie?" I asked.
"Ouija," he said, "only this time there will be girls."
"Was it a good movie?" I wanted to know.
"No, it was terrible."
"Then why on earth are you going to see it again?"I knew the answer before I had even finished asking the question.
"Because this time there will be girls."- 13 November 2014
"Hey, um, Dad?"
"Yes?"
"What's the holiday after Thanksgiving?" Logan asked.
"Christmas."
"No, that's not it,"he said.Um...pretty sure it is.
"You mean Veteran's Day?" I asked.
"Yeah!"
"Oh, that's before Thanksgiving."
"Is that the one where we stay home and think on how they all warred for us?"- 3 November 2014
"My butt looks good in this," he said, still eyeing his wares.
"Dad, what do you think the tooth fairy is going to bring me?" Logan asked, as he got ready for his bath.
"Maybe a quarter," I replied, hoping we would be able to get away from the precedent of a dollar a tooth she set for his older brothers.Half-way through pulling off his jeans, he paused and gave me a startled look.
"She better bring something better than that!" he said, in alarm.
"They're watching, wildly wondering what that green mist is coming from underneath the door."I am reasonably certain that one or more of us guffawed. Thank you, Justin. Very helpful.
"Dad, I like it when the boys fight," Logan said.Okay, weird but I'll bite.
"Why?" I asked.
"Because they call each other names."More likely, it's because they're too busy to call you names.
"Oh my! That's a fat poo. Do you think it will fit down there?"If I give you an answer, any answer, will you promise to stop talking about it?
"Dad, can I borrow your phone to watch a video about a new horror game?" Logan asked me.
"Absolutely not!" I said.
"But Dad, it's not a horror game," he pleaded.
"You just got through telling me it was, in your own words," I replied.
"Please, Dad, it's just a scary game," he begged.
"Then the answer is still no," I said, with a note of irritated defiance.
"But it's not scary," he objected.Ugh.
"I'm not going to say a word about that haircut," he said, in a monotone voice.Evidently, he had gotten a glimpse of his mother's new, shorter, hairdo.
"I know, it's great, isn't it?" I said.
"It reminds me of Regan from My Friends' House," he replied.
"Is that good or bad?" I asked.
"Bad. I'm scared of it. I'm hiding," he said, and he ran off to take cover.- 11 October 2014
"The [bath] water is my only weakness," Logan said, as the tub filled and he scrambled backward away from the approaching swell.
"I thought that tickling was your only weakness," I said.
"Yes, the Tickle Monster is my only weakness too."
"Too?" I asked.
"And salad," he said.- 6 October 2014
"Dad, please don't tickle me, it's my only weakness."- 20 September 2014
"How was your day at school today?" I asked Logan, while the van sped towards home with the windows down.
"Someday Brianna and Juniper will grow up and try and marry me," Logan told me. "But nope, I'm gonna marry Addie. She and I are really close."So that's what kindergarten is all about these days. Is Addie aware of The Plan?
"Dad, we're kind of dirty," Logan announced, as we drove home from his soccer game.
"You mean the van?" Ashley asked.
"No, our language," he said.Oh, crap! I mean, oh drat!
"How was your day?" she asked.
"Terrible," he replied.
"Why?"
"Time," he mumbled.
"What?"
"I don't know," he said. "I was just trying to get you to be quiet."
"I'm only trying to show you that I love you," Ashley told him.
"You do that in other ways, by trying to attack me. You call it hugging."- 9 September 2014
"K-K-K-Katy, beautiful Katy,
You're the only g-g-g-girl that I adore.
When the m-m-m-moon shines,
Over the cow shed,
I'll be waiting by the k-k-k-kitchen door."Then one night, out of the blue.
"Dad! Moons don't shine. Suns shine."My mistake.
"Just passing through Dodge. Only light rain now," read Ashley's text to her mother.
"Who cares," came the reply.Guess who had Grandma's phone.
"Stuff it, Justin."Later...we received a text from Ethan while he was using the bathroom...including a play-by-play...and "sounds".
"Quit bitching about pie," I said to Ashley, after she complained about not having any for the seventeenth time.
"Yeah, Mom, quit mother dogging," Ethan said.- 4 September 2012
"They gave me...um...oh yeah, Sprite! And tomato soup."
"I don't know, I was asleep."
"I threw up all over my bed."
"Yeah, they had to change it."
"I didn't use an air bag [oxygen mask], I got to keep the puke bag!"Regarding his latest obsession (flying):
"Have you ever been on an airplane with a movie?"
"No, I've never even been on an airplane."Regarding who knows what:
"Yeah, to go downtown and walk around and stuff."
"I don't know."
"Monkeys are awesome."
"Ew."
"Is there a Lego store there?"
"Grenades?"
"No, not that I know of."Regarding the commotion in the room:
"What? Oh, that was my mom and my dad."
"I'm watching a lot of weird commercials."
"If you hear any laughing...that's my mom or my dad."
"I don't know."Regarding his heritage:
"Did you know that I'm also English?"
"So far, I know I'm English, Irish and American."Regarding either parents or television programming, I still don't know:
"Neither do I. Nothing exciting has happened in, like, years."It was fascinating listening to these 9-year-old boys talking on the telephone. I wish I could have heard both ends of the conversation although I doubt it would have made any more sense.
"Who exactly was chasing you?" she asked, half exclaiming, half laughing.
"When we get a dog lets not get a puppy. They're messy. Let's get one that's like you guys, ol...in the middle of the aging process."- 6 September 2014
"Can I have a napkin? I have yogurt on my toes."I really wish that was a metaphor for something, especially on Taco Tuesday.
"Joy to the world, the school burned down, and all the teachers died..."Okay, not so impressive.
"My pants are full of candy," Logan shouted.Heads turned. People chuckled. There were a few looks bordering on shock. Everyone checked their candy dishes.
"So, how is George doing?" I asked, after Ethan hung up the phone.
"Okay," he replied.
"How is his summer going?" I asked.
"Okay."
"Is he looking forward to school starting?" I asked.
"Yeah."
"You know, that was an awfully long conversation for just 'okay' and 'yeah'."Ethan sighed.
"He went to the zoo and saw monkeys," he said. "Their junk was hanging down."[crickets]
"Oh, and he asked how my tree-wife is doing and I said..."
"Hold on a second! Back up. Your tree-wife?"
"We're going to have mutant tree babies."[more crickets]
"Dad, I want Ethan to come to my soccer practice," Logan said.
"I don't," I replied.It's not that I don't like the boy. It's just that the last thing I needed right now was a preteen boy complaining to me for the next straight hour.
"Why do you want him to come with us?" I asked.
"I need him to be punished for being mean to me," he stated. "Make him come with us. Can you do that for me?"No, punishment though it may be.
"Those are rectangles," she said, pointing them out in the book.
"Mom I'm not stupid, I know what rectangles are," he replied.Alrighty then.
"My bio on Instagram - 'always give one hundred percent unless you're donating blood,'" Justin announced with a wry smile.
"Don't you like me?" I asked.
"I like mommy," he said. "She's the best than you."- 11 July 2012, Logan, Age 3
"Grandpa on the way with the boys...please know that George's grenade is not active. :-)"Yes, that's right - George brought a grenade and Ethan arrived with a pine tree.
"Hello?" I called from the dining room.
"Hi Dad."It was Logan.
"Who's there with you?" I asked, as the scuffling continued.
"Nobody."Hmm.
"Oh, okay. Can you close the door?" I asked.
"No," came the reply.
"Why not?" I asked.
"Because of the chair," he said.What? Chair? That doesn't sound right. I got up to investigate.
"I found a dirty old chair by the stop sign on the corner," he proudly announced.There are so many things wrong with that sentence. But sure enough, there it was - dirty, old and sitting on the landing blocking the back door. And this was the first thing you thought to do when you found it? One good shove and he would have had it all the way down the stairs and into the basement.
"Can you help me?" he asked.Do what, dare I ask.
"I will help you get it back outside and you will put it back by the stop sign on the corner," I said.
"Okay," he said, brightly.It was at this point that I noticed he had obviously been sitting in the chair. Either that or he had been rolling around in the street because his clothes were covered in dirt. Anything was possible at this point. As he left on his quest I suddenly wondered what the neighbors and passersby must think as they witnessed my little five-year-old wandering up and down the sidewalks of our neighborhood happily pushing, or riding, a dead office chair.
"Grandpa asked me a lot of questions about my friends," Justin reported. "Actually it was the same question a lot of times."- 10 August 2014
"Hello?"
"Dad, the power went out. I need to know how to turn it back on."
"Is it just one room or the whole house?" I asked.
"I don't know," he said. "It flickered a whole bunch and then went out."Massive thunder storm causes power outage - that checks out.
"Okay, it's the whole house," I said.
"How do you know?" he asked.Better question, how do you not know?
"When will it come back on?" he demanded.Consulting my crystal ball now...okay, wait, I'm getting something. It'll come back on at a quarter past how should I know?!
"Just hang tight," I said. "I'm coming home in five minutes anyway."- 12 August 2014
"How did Dad find you? And how did you find Dad? And then you decided to get married."Well, it all started with some wooing using his sensuous and godlike cello playing.
He was dashing. She was magnificent.She was witty. He made her laugh.
She needed directions. He knew how to read a map.She sang like an angel. He fell in love.
And the rest, as they say, is history.- 2 March 2013
"Logan, would you like some macaroni and cheese for dinner?" I asked, hoping the answer would be yes.
"No. I want a TV dinner," he said. "The one with a brownie and the chicken nuggets and the macaro..."
*sigh*
"Fine! I'll have macaroni and cheese."- 15 August 2014
"Mama, what happened guy?"Guy?
"I don't know Ethan, what happened to the guy?" we would ask.
"Guy fall down," came the reply.Then, several month later, guy took a sudden turn for the worse.
"Mama, what happened guy?"
"I don't know Ethan, what happened guy?"
"Guy died."This new and upsetting revelation was followed by true maniacal laughter.
"I can ride my bike home while eating cotton candy in the dark," he protested.I turned to Ethan,
"Dude, give me some of your popcorn 'cause I gotta see that!"A dad standing nearby snorted. Justin was mad. When we finally got to the car, he was rude all the way home. We quickly donned our swim trunks, jumped back into the car and headed to the Y. As we pulled into the parking lot, Justin pipped up again.
"Please, Ethan. Please do not tell dad the cool thing that I did!"Clearly, he wanted to punish me for the misadventure of the cotton candy. This was his best effort.
"Don't worry," I said. "Justin will tell me when he decides to stop being a butt!"
"Yeah, which will be never," Justin snapped.- 29 September 2011
"Dad, Ethan swore," Logan hollered.
"I did not. All I said was, 'I swear.'"Eight more days to go. Lord give me strength.
"Whoa, Dad, are you going to take that?" Logan asked, munching on his popcorn. "Are you going to take me watching this? That's some serious mad stuff."- 2 August 2014
"Hey you!" Justin shouted. "Stop smelling my butt. It's weird."Unfortunately, that is not the strangest thing I've heard today. I think the argument about whose fart was whose takes the cake.
"Dad, can we sell the boys?"
"But I can't wear my Crocs, they're all dirty," Logan complained.
"How did they get so dirty anyway?" I asked.
"We stepped in dirt a lot," he said.
"Who are you waving at?"Seriously?
"The Easter Bunny," I whispered. "You see him standing on the other side of the pool right behind your bro-ther...I'm waving at your brother!!"- Circa 2010
"Do monkeys like doughnuts?"
"How many points was that?" I asked.
"One hundred." he said. "No, wait! One huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuundred and one. Is that a lot?"
"Well, it sure sounds like a lot."Apparently, the longer you say the word, the more value it has. I think I'll try that next time I'm at the bank.
"Here, you eat this. I don't like macaroni and cheese."Then he promptly left.
"What's Halo Four?" I asked.This was not the question I had intended to ask. My thought was, "which one is this, and is this the latest version?"
"It's the newest Halo," he said with a sigh. "It's the one after three."Precisely what I expected and was desperately trying to avoid.
"Yeah, Dad, jeez!" Ethan said, without looking up from his video game. "Catch up on your old people magazines!"Well, forgive me. My subscription ran out.
"Heaven threw up," he said, starring into it's depths.Um, is that a good thing?
"Little boy heaven threw up in this box."Ah, yes - a good thing. After that, I never saw the box again.
"Logan would you like to take these cars home with you?" Ashley asked.
"Yes. Yes! YES! I can't wait to show my kitty all of these cars."Would that be the same kitty who had difficulty understanding his relativity to time and space? I'm sure he'll be thrilled.
"He already had whipped cream on his Mt. Dew!"Um, eww!
"Was that a disaster?"
"Yes!" he shouted.
"I'm telling Addie all the things she can and can't do at our house."How proactive.
"I already told her to stay away from my brothers, that's for sure!"- 25 July 2014
"He's flying like a little kitty angel," came a delighted voice.- Circa 2006
"Turn it down," he commanded.It was a moment before I realized he wasn't talking about the music.
"I think he's going to slap you in the face," Logan said, matter-of-factly.What!?
"Logan, he's not gonna slap me," I said.I was a little bit shocked.
"I'm just sayin' I think he's gonna slap your face."
"He's mad at me but he's not gonna slap my face," I said, defensively.I can't believe I'm having this conversation with a four-year-old.
"Well," he conceded, "it's not like he's coming down the street to slap your face."Yet. I checked the rear-view mirror.
"Have you been here before?"
"Yes, for Justin's really boring concerts," he replied.- 20 May 2014
"Hello, Mr. Goss?"Ugh. Not again.
"This is Robert Stevens, and I'm a ranger at the park here. Did you by any chance visit here this weekend?" he asked.You mean the park a hundred miles from here in another state? Maybe.
"I found a cell phone...it didn't have a name so I dialed 'Dad.'"Of course you did. Justin!
"Whine, whine, whine. Moan, moan, moan," he kept chanting.- 6 August 2012
"Do you have a quarter?" Ethan asked me.
"No," I said.
"If only I knew where I could get a quarter," he said. "Oh, wait, I have some in my shoe."
"Oh, good," I replied. "Wait, what?"Is that why you're walking funny? If you had to keep your quarters in your shoe, dare I ask what you're keeping in your pockets?
"Hello?"
"Your son needs a dress," came the greeting.Oh sure, he needs a dress so he's my son. First of all I am almost certain that he does not need a dress and secondly, I have questions. My stunned silence must have been very reassuring to her. After a moment she continued, sounding very tired.
"There's some sort of play tomorrow at school and he's Goldilocks."Of course he is.
"After school will you please take him to Goodwill and see if you can find him a dress?"Nothing would give me greater pleasure than to take my ten-year-old son dress shopping at the Goodwill.
"Dad, do sometimes dads have babies?" Logan wanted to know.
"No," I said, "Dads have a penis."Knowing that he was only five, I hoped that this would be enough to appease him, but I knew in my heart it would not.
"Dad, why did you say 'penis' out loud to me?"Sigh
"Say penis again!" he squealed. "Say penis again!"- 3 February 2014
"Logan please be careful, this is uneven and I don't want you to fall."
"I can't," he said. "It's instructable. My body is instructable!"Perfect, if it's so instructable - please be careful!
"Um, I think my penis is sticking out of my underwear," he said, finally.Well, there went that moment.
"When Luke and Cedric come over it's going to be a really serious play-date that I want to talk to you about," he began. "We're going to watch Scooby Doo 2 and you're going to pour apple juice and make popcorn," he said, giving me a very stern and appraising look. "And you're going to have to buy Popsicles."- 4 January 2013
"Mom, who were you waving to on the side of the road?" asked Logan.
"Just a man who pulled over so I could get by."
"Mom! Your not supposed to wave at strangers."- 15 June 2014
"Dad, how old were you when you got married?" Logan asked.
"I was 22 years old," I said. "And I was 21 when I got engaged," I added for good measure.
"Whoa! Does mom know?"
"Dad, do I have something important to do [tomorrow]?" Logan asked.Did I not just finish explaining that we are going to mass early in the morning?
"You have to go to church with the rest of the family," I explained patiently.
"Wait, I though you said we were going to mass," he said.
"Yes, mass is church," I replied.
"You mean Ethan goes to church every time he does his mass?" Logan asked, thoroughly perplexed.What?!
"No sweetheart, Ethan does not go to church to do his math homework."Good grief.
"Don't look at me!"Yeah, it's her you should be worried about alright.
"Oh, don't even start!" he shouted.- 10 May 2014
"Um, Mom?" he said. "Dinner is at 5:36."- 17 August 2012
"Ohh, that bug over there is gonna think it's rainin'!"- 19 June 2005
"Mom and Dad, we should adopt a girl. You know, a little baby," Ethan announced, in the car.Alright, I'm game.
"Why?" I asked.His reply was very matter-of-fact.
"Because I'm sick of the other two."- 10 April 2014
"Hey kid, do you kill ants?- 18 June 2004
"Where are you?" he would ask.
"Las Vegas."
"How did you get to Las Vegas?"
"On an airplane."
"Where are you going to sleep?"
"In my hotel."
"Is your hotel in Las Vegas?"
"Yes."Oh, criminy! Then he goes on to tell me all about the times he was in Las Vegas. You know, Nada the 27th of Never.
He frowned at me and said, "Daddy, this is a famous song."Ah, sorry.
"It's okay if he's in my bed. He's always my brother."- 29 July 2006
"I wonder what happened to Mr. Parsons' mustache...maybe he took it off and put it on his bedside table...now that's a good story, isn't it?"- 14 October 2008
"Next time your cousin comes around, why don't you show her what to do? She can help you [play]," I said.
"She already knows how to do it...WRONG!"- 22 June 2008
"Logan, how do you get to heaven?"
"The highway."Because anything that is not clearly in Walla Walla must involve the highway.
"Dad? Can you call me when you're on your way home?"No, but your mother and I would be happy to sneak in the back door, down the stairs and burst into the family room to catch you playing video games when you're not supposed to be. Oh, and scare the pants off you. I'll bring a rag and some Spot Shot in case you wet yourself.
"Hey, Justin," Ashey said, pointing out a car passing our position along the parade route. "Pretty girls."
"Seen 'em" he said, matter-of-factly rolling his eyes.Ashley and I also exchanged looks and rolled our eyes.
"I was in a house full of 'em," he added.That's right. Thank you Kappa Kappa Gamma.
"Why did I just have to 'yell' at my boys for using their grandmother's phone to send me text messages containing naughty words?"-14 December 2012
"Dad, today in music we did something different than we normally do."
"Oh?"
"Yeah, we went to sing in the cemetery."That is different.
"Outside?" I asked.
"No. The ce-me-tery," he said, very deliberately.Good Lord, you mean they've moved it inside?
"Is it possible you mean the sanctuary?"
"Oh, yes."- 13 November 2013
"Where did you get hurt?" I asked, kissing his head.He pointed to his rear end, crying.
"Oh, you hurt your rumpus? I'm sorry buddy," I said.He shook his head and wiped his eyes.
"No, Dad, my bottom."- 1 December 2013
"What?!"Logan stood up and turned around, mouth agape.
"You mean the toilet survived that big giant poo?"Sorry to disappoint you, especially if you were trying to destroy it with your five-year-old butt.
"Dad, when are we going camping?" Logan asked, excitedly.
"Sometime this summer," I said.
"How about Spring the 20th?" he suggested.I nearly ran off the road from laughing. Besides, I was thinking more around Summer the 15th.
"What o'clock is it?" he asked.I'm not sure if I'm amused or upset that I knew exactly what he was talking about.
"Now all I have to do is poop in the morning," Logan said, drying off his hands.
"What?" I asked.
"Yeah, then I'll be done with my potty list. It's all the things I want to do on the potty."Mazel tov.
"I saved the cheese heart sandwich thing for you too," Logan said, proudly. "It kind of tastes really bad," he added.Wow, I really don't know what to say except, thanks...I think.
” said john. 
