How Do You Feel About That?

"You and Mom are too old to be texting," Logan said.

Say that again, I wasn't listening, I was busy with my phone. 

"You know Mom's so old, she still has to talk on her phone," he continued.

I would have offered a retort but I needed to send another text.

- 11 December 2015

Don't Regale Us

Ethan had just said something inappropriate for the nineteenth time today.  He thought it was funny.  He was the only one.  We sent him downstairs to be with his older brother, someone who would surely find his brand of humor amusing, so we didn't have to listen to him any more.

"Whoever that Ethan kid is, he sounds hilarious," he said loudly to no one, as he descended the stairs.

- 29 November 2015

Plans

"When I rule the world I will destroy the earth!" Logan declared. 

"Then where are you going to live, you ding-dong," I cut in. 

"Oh, yeah."

Back to the drawing board.

- 2 December 2015

Stunned Silence

I arrived at school, as requested, parked out front and dialed Ethan's number.

"Hello?"  He fumbled with the phone.

"Hi, I'm here," I said.

"Okay, hold on one sec, I'm peeing," his voice echoing slightly as it crossed the fully tiled room.

I was without words, so I hung up.

- 30 November 2015

Augmentation

Ethan and Logan were arguing about whose allowance was bigger.  Logan was certain that, if his brother was earning ten dollars, his would be at least that much.

"How much do I get a Friday?" he asked me.

"Two dollars," I said.

"Aww.  Is there a way I can plusen that?"

Snicker.

You can start by never saying that "word" again.

- 29 November 2015

The Standard Plan

Logan came and found me, armed with a plan.  Since we were in Sunriver and on vacation, it only seemed natural that we suspend the standard Otter Pop rule of two per day and make it three.

"Can you ask Mom?" Logan begged.

"Why, are you afraid of what she'll say?" I asked.

"Yes," he said, honestly.

"I'll tell her the new plan," I nodded reassuringly.

"When she gets back just ask her and then come tell me.  I'll be somewhere," he shrugged.

"You know I can make these kinds of decisions [on my own]," I said, slightly offended.

"Oh!" he said, with great surprise.

- 4 August 2015

What I'm Thankful For

The Pre-Game Show

While most people watched "the game" on television, Ethan and Logan were engaged elsewhere.  Just a friendly little Thanksgiving match of Strangle Your Brother.  I suppose I should have been thankful that they were playing together, and yet...

The Post-Game Show

Naturally, things escalated.  Various feelings and body parts were hurt, names were called, punches were thrown and the parties had to be separated and placed into time out.  Make no mistake, he's not sleeping, he's screaming.

- 26 November 2015

No Appreciation

Most days, when I pick up Logan from school, the surrounding streets are deserted.  Today, however...

"Hey, it's Cooper!" Logan hollered, pointing at his friend, as we rolled to a stop at the corner.

The boy and his mother appeared to be having trouble making up their mind about the journey.  They started, then hesitated and finally crossed slowly in from of us.

"Okay lady, get a move on," I muttered.

"That's no lady.  That's his mom!"

- 1 April 2015

The Automated Checker

Home Depot had just installed their self checkout stations and we were as eager as anybody to take one for a spin.  With Ethan in the cart and Justin close at hand, we scanned our items, swiped our card and snapped up the receipt.  It was all the fun and excitement we had come to expect from a Tuesday night.  We loaded up the sacks and turned to leave.

"Please take your receipt," chimed the cool, automated voice.

Ethan's face melted into a scowl.

"We already did that!  Mean lady," he sassed.

- 21 November 2006

Impatience

"When are we getting to Grandma's house?" Logan asked. 

"In about 30 minutes," I replied wearily, having answered this question at least eight times before.

"Oh, okay," he said, trailing off.  "I thought we were going to die in this car."

- 25 November 2015

Drivers Ed

Day four; Justin was driving us to Pullman.  He glanced in the rear view mirror only to find frustration with his mother's choice of seats.  She was sitting in the middle of the back, the only option she had been afforded.

"Seriously Mom, can you like, not have such a big head?"

Nice.  I would have said something but I heard some muttering about what his big head had done to her and I decided not to open my mouth.

- 25 November 2015

The Smell of Sadness

Logan lost his stuffed Butch (Go Cougs!) and was sobbing in his bed.  My wife and I were tearing our hair out and the room apart trying to find him.  Ashley climbed up the side of the bunk, wrinkled her nose and leaned over Logan's bed to smell a pile of blankets.

"It smells in here," she declared, a disgusted look on her face.

Logan was not that easily distracted.

"Does it smell like tears?" came a plaintive sob.

- 22 April 2015

Yummy

Inevitably, the conversation turned to dessert, as all seven-year-old boy conversations do.  And by conversation, I mean that I was trying to work on the computer and he decided to stand next to me and jabber.

"What kind of dessert did you have in mind?" I asked, knowing the answer would be ice cream.

"Well, ice cream," he said.

"We don't have any ice cream," I told him.

"A candy cane?" he ventured.

He had been vying for one ever since Justin bought a chocolate peppermint version at the store last week.

"Alright, you can have a candy cane," I said, noticing the fancy red striping on his shirt that wasn't there a mere half an hour before.  "Say, is that ketchup you smeared across the top of your shirt?"

"Yep."

"Oh, ketchup is hard to get out of your clothes, Logan," I chastised.

"I didn't like it," he said, helpfully.  "It was all spicy."

Hmm.

"Spicy?  You mean the same ketchup we use all the time that you love?"

"Sometimes it's not yummy," he declared.

- 24 November 2015

Portrayals

Dinner was in full swing and the conversations were beginning to crash into one another.  The noise was escalating to a dangerous level.  In order to derail Justin's current train of thought before it became PG-13, I turned the conversation to school, a real teenage buzz kill.

"Justin, do you have any homework tonight?" I inquired. 

"I already did it," he said, in his most excellent mocking voice.  "And besides, The Annoying One already asked me."

How many times do I have to ask you to stop referring to your mother that way?  No, really.  I can only imagine how he refers to me when he's talking to his mother.

- 14 October 2015

Say That Again

Logan sat on the potty looking very concerned. 

"Dad, my throat hurts when I poop."

Now it was my turn to look very concerned.  I don't think the doctor will make a house call for that.

- 18 June 2015

Planning

"Should I start dating in ninth grade or tenth?" Logan asked. 

There was a genuine quality to his question and I could tell that the preceding silence had been filled with careful thought.

"Maybe you should concentrate on being seven and not worry about it," I suggested. 

"There are a lot of good girls to date," he added. 

Dude, always in the car with these questions and statements.  One of these days you're going to say something that will cause me to drive right off the road.

- 19 November 2015

True Story

My freshman and I had just gotten back from a student/parent orientation for a trip to Mexico two summers from now.  I was relaying the details to my wife.

"Is he excited?" she wanted to know, for it was he who insisted that we go to this meeting so he could take this trip and "get away from us."

"It's hard to tell with Justin, there's never any emotion," I said, considering her question.  "He doesn't hate it and he's not swearing at it so he must be really excited!"

- 18 November 2015

Goodbye Easter Mass

It was possibly the longest hour on record.  Every time the music played during mass this morning, Logan would ask, in a very loud whisper,

"Is this the goodbye song?"

Dude, once more and it will be your goodbye song.

- 5 April 2015

Not Quite an Adventure

We were running one of our usual errands that involved a lot of u-turns and back-tracking.  It was turning into quite a production.  Glancing in the rear-view mirror, I noted that the only item Logan brought with him was a sour expression.  I commented that it was quite an adventure we were having.

"This is a stupid adventure," he replied, arms crossed, glaring daggers.

Evidently, I was keeping him from the best moments of his life.  There were snacks to be eaten and fun to be had elsewhere.

"It's not a stupid adventure," I objected.

"Well, it's not amazing...I'll tell you that!" he screamed.

- 23 June 2015

Volume

"Turn up the sound!" Justin demanded from the back seat.

"It's loud enough, when you're old," I protested.

"It's loud enough when you're sitting on top of the speakers," my wife added, gesturing toward the speaker at her feet in the passenger-side door.

"I can still hear you talking, it's not loud enough," Justin said wryly.

- 13 September 2015

Get Daft Lucky Punk

We got into the car on our way to Cub Scouts.  The radio was on and Get Lucky by Daft Punk was playing, but something was off.  Something was bothering me, and this time it was neither the music nor the fact that I knew the name of the song, let alone the artist.  No, it was my seven-year-old sitting in the back seat, singing along as though he had written the tune and there was nothing unusual about it.

"How are they gonna' get lucky?" came the question.

I knew it was coming before the sound hit my ears.  I tried to have a plausible explanation at the ready.

"They're trying to win the lottery," I lied, attempting to keep the note of panic out of my voice.

He considered this for a moment and then went back to singing.  I had dodged a bullet but only temporarily, for I knew what was next.

There was a short pause.  I braced for impact.

"Get some of what?" he wanted to know.

I said "money."  He said nothing.

Why didn't I just shut the radio off?

- 9 November 2015

Hunger

"Somebody stole my chips," Logan moaned, crumpling into the rocking chair beside me.

His teenage brother and a friend absconded with the chip bag and disappeared into the basement.

"You don't need any more," I told him, turning back to my computer.

"Yes, I do," he wailed.

He had been snacking all evening, both before and after dinner.

"No, you don't," I snapped, "Just stop eating!  Doesn't anyone in this house feed you?"

He was undeterred.

"But I'm gonna' thirst for hunger."

Kid, you're killing me.

- 13 November 2015

The Rug or the Cat

"Dad, the cat peed on one of the rugs in your room," Logan said.

He was spinning around in the dark driveway waiting for his mother to emerge from the house.  We were headed to Science Night at school.  In the background I could hear Ashley zip past the back door cursing the cat.  Her arms were full as she headed down the stairs to the laundry room, trying not to vomit.  Evidently, she was expecting me to clean it instead of throwing it out.

The rug, not the cat.

"I know, Mom was just telling me," I said, watching him twirl and thinking about how I was not going to buy a new one this time, I was simply going to rid myself of it once and for all.

The rug, not the cat.

"That's why you shouldn't put them on the floor," he said, with admonishment, as though he were teaching me a valuable lesson. 

Well, amen to that!  Next time I'll hang them on the wall.

Wait, are we still talking about the rug or the cat?

- 12 November 2015

Line of Work

"Dad, why are you still dressed up in your work costume?" Justin asked, as he breezed past me in the doorway of the bedroom and headed down the hall.

It was well past seven and I had been home since four.

"I'm not!" I shouted at the back of his head.

After all, I had removed the spinning bow tie, squirting daisy and over-sized shoes.  I wonder what he thinks I do all day - besides reply to his phone calls and texts about why he can't have any money, hang out with his friends or get a ride until after work.

- 9 November 2015

Sandwiches

"...that's why I wanted you to get out on my side of the car," I said, stepping out of the van, narrowly missing an oncoming vehicle while I was busy avoiding a puddle in the dark.

Okay, so he was right to get out on his side.

"But I jumped over the water," Logan protested.

It's true, I saw him spring over the river of water along the curb and into the ankle-high grass, but I was not to be outdone.

"Yeah, but then you wandered through the wet grass you knucklehead."

It was the only thing I could think of without having to put a quarter in the Naughty Jar.  We were on our way into the church for Cub Scouts.

"You want a sandwich of pain?" he offered, brandishing a fist in my direction and neatly stepping into a Juniper bush.

I stifled a laugh.

"You mean a knuckle sandwich?" I asked.

"Oh, yeah!" he shouted, with a note of gratitude, liberating himself from the bush, "Of pain!" he added, lest I forget.

- 9 November 2015

Da Rulez

Really?

I am completely without a thought on this subject.  With the exception of numbers one and three, I don't remember any of these being a "thing" when I was in high school.  The fact that the school had to send these notices out ahead of the Homecoming dance certainly wasn't.  Perhaps my wife is right and I did live under a rock.

And now, as though I wasn't feeling unsettled enough, thanks to www.urbandictionary.com and their handy little app, I am all too familiar with each and every one of these terms and the accompanying unbidden mental images, none of which make me any more comfortable as a father (even of boys).

Should, God forbid, a rule be broken and we receive a call, the only form of punishment I can conceive of having any effect on him whatsoever is reading aloud the definition of the offense and then demonstrating it with his mother.  He won't be able to unsee that!

- 26 September 2015

Halloween Candy

Ethan was home sick today.  But instead of resting, he spent a significant amount of time searching the house over for the bag of Halloween candy that belonged to him and his brother.

Yes, that's right, he's 12 and we hid it.

In particular, he spend a good deal of time looking through the boxes underneath our bed but all he was able to find were blankets which, by his own admission, made him very angry.  Eventually, he found the bag.

How much did he eat?  Who knows.

How sick was he really?  Not enough.

How much trouble was he in?  Plenty.

It's a good thing he has a very high grade point average or this might be his eulogy.  Now let's see, "Dear Attendance Secretary, please excuse Ethan from school today because..."

- 4 November 2015

Ethans

"Is that another Ethan?" Logan asked.

We were waiting for the concert to begin.  His mother and I looked at each other over his head.  Ethan, who had just filed slowly along the third row to sit with the rest of his jazz band-mates, had inexplicably reappeared on stage and was making his way back to his seat.

"No, that's the same one," my wife answered.

How many of them were you hoping for?

"But I just saw the other one sit down," he said, craning his neck to get a look at the first Ethan.

"Are you starting a collection?" I asked.

There was a look of exasperation at my apparent stupidity.

"See?" Logan said, pointing to the second Ethan who was again, making his way slowly across the third row.  

There was certainty in his voice and determination in his expression.  Any minute now they were bound to come face-to-face.  Perhaps the second Ethan would sit in the first Ethan's lap.  The excitement was mounting.  I was breathless with anticipation.

Apparently, I was the only one.

For several minutes, Logan bounced around in his seat, attempting to sort out the mystery.  Admittedly, it did appear that First Ethan and Second Ethan had sat in different places along the row.  Alas, the puzzle was not to be solved although it did provide more than an hour of twisted parental entertainment for my wife and me as we continuously pointed and said, "I see an Ethan," "There's an Ethan," and "Which Ethan is that?"

At one point, before the concert began, I suggested that we play a rousing game of Count the Ethans.  Nobody was interested.

In the end, we collected only one Ethan, the original, and took him home.  The others could make camp in the auditorium and come out for other pre-concert entertainment.  We had what we needed.  After all, one is enough.

- 2 November 2015

Nothing Is Sacred

"Oh no!" Logan exclaimed.

He was seated on the toilet and I was on the floor next to the bathtub.

"What is it?  What's the matter?" I asked, sitting bolt upright.

"Oh, I just peed all over myself," he said, casually.

"How did you manage that?" I wanted to know.

I didn't really want to know but I figured I was probably going to find out one way or another.

"I was busy looking at my poop," he said.

You see?  I told you I didn't want to know.

I let out a long sigh and went back to studying the water droplets near the bathtub drain while Logan busied himself with the toilet paper.

"Dad, what's the white stuff in my poop?"

I leaned my head against the side of the tub so he couldn't see me roll my eyes.  If you'll wait just a minute I'll get my poop-to-English dictionary and we'll find out.  Come to think of it, there's probably an app for that.

"It's probably something you ate," I said, throwing him a backwards glance and casting off a prayer to end this conversation.

"Oh, right...the string cheese," he said, thoughtfully.

Ew, no!  That's not what I meant.

So much for that healthy snack.

- 5 November 2015

Stupid Teenager Tricks I

Yes, that is my son.

Yes, that is a telephone pole.

Yes, it is the middle of the night.

Yes, that is his formal wear.

No, his common sense is still here at home.

- 26 September 2015

Homecoming 2015

Justin spent a good deal of time leading up to the dance making sure we all knew that it wasn't a big deal to him.  Then he got caught accidentally enjoying himself. 

- 26 September 2015

Phases of the Moon

Why did I just come home to a full moon?  I pulled up in front of my house and what did I find?  My teenager, standing in plain sight in front of our busy street.

"Hey Ethan, did you see me mooning you?" Justin called from the front door, pulling up his pants. 

It's no wonder I get such strange looks from the neighbors.

- 15 October 2015

Have License, Will Drive

"How am I going to afford a car?" Logan asked, with a very heavy, seven-year-old sigh.

We were on our way to swimming lessons and the ride had been silent up until then.

"You'll have a job," I said. 

You had better have a job. 

"Wait!  Don't they just give you one when you get your drivers license?"

Damn.  How come I didn't know about that?

- 8 October 2015

Numeric Adventure

Logan has embarked on what he refers to as a "counting journey."  His goal is to count all the way to one million.  During his bath on his seventh birthday, I could hear him counting under his breath.  Suddenly, he looked up at me and exclaimed, "1,030!"  He was very excited.

"...1,031...1,032...1,033"  And so it continues.

- 28 August 2015

He's Not Wrong

Logan and I were sitting at the dining room table, looking for a Candyland-style game app on my phone.  At last we finally found one.

"Oh look," I said, pretending to be downcast.  "It's $1.99."

"Hey Dad!" he exclaimed.  "I can buy that for you if you give me two dollars!"

- 16 September 2015

Button, Button, Whose Got the Button

As we made our way home, headed directly into the sun, the state of our windshield became apparent to more than just my wife and me.

"Now, when we get home I want you to take a wet cloth and get out here and wash the windshield for your mother and father," Grampa told Justin.

There was an immediate uproar of complaints as Ashley and I nodded our heads in agreement.

"No, isn't there a button for that?" Justin protested.

- 6 August 2015

Contact List

While waiting for the orchestra concert to begin, my wife and I thought it would be a good time to clean up our contacts list.  Ethan, having just received his first iPhone, had his personal contacts list merged into ours.  Among other things, we found a listing for Stick, Annoying Piece of Crap and, of course, the number for Satan. 

- 8 June 2015

The Reptile Man

This is why my wife refused to attend the reptile program last night.

She's terrified of little boys.

- 28 May 2015

Just Sayin'

Having just been brutally harassed by his brother Justin, Logan came running into the bedroom where he found his mother lying on the bed.

"Justin is a - crotch!" he exclaimed, with all the bile and unpleasantness a Kindergartner could muster.

"Logan!" Ashley replied.

"Just sayin'," he said, shrugging his shoulders.

Yeah, well, just don't say it or the next thing you know one of your teachers will be calling.

- 13 May 2015

Relax

What he said.

"You need to take me to the park so you can relax."

What I heard.

"You need to take me to the park where you'll be stressed out trying to keep an eye on me while I play with 100 other kids on two sets of play equipment while you worry about whether or not I've been kidnapped or wandered off with strangers."

Great.  Sign me up.

- 26 April 2015

A Princess Riding a Unicorn Over a Rainbow to a Castle with a King and a Dragon

"Dad, come sit at the table and draw with me," Logan said.

"Oh, I'm not very good at drawing.  Maybe I'll just sit and watch you," I suggested.

"But I need your help," he pleaded.  "You're the one with the brain."

- 5 May 2015

Whew

"Dad, I know where babies come from," Logan announced.

Oh dear.  I looked up.  Can't you just enjoy being six?

"Oh, you do, huh?" I asked, skeptically.

"Yeah, your privates," he said.

He pointed to his butt.

I shook my head and raised my eyebrows.

He pointed to his crotch.

I nodded.

He giggled.

"Oh, your vagina," he said, as though the entire world made sense to him now.

Well, not yours or mine, but yes.

After that, he was thoroughly grossed out.

- 30 April 2015

Nutella

Logan cried this morning when he found out that I had forgotten to make his Friday standard, a "chocolate sandwich."

- 20 February 2015

In My Own Words

My own words just came back to haunt me.

"Logan, it's time for a bath," I said.

"And then bed?" he asked.

"Well, we'll probably do some reading," I said.

"I don't want to read.  I have other plans," he said, with a cheeky little smile.

"Maybe it's not a choice," I replied.

"Or maybe it is," he said, turning to walk away.  "See how that works?"

Good grief.

- 28 April 2015

Thanks iOS

After the most recent iOS upgrade, something very strange occurred.  Suddenly, my wife and I were receiving all of Justin's texts both to and from his friends.  This was at once a shocking yet humorous insight into the life of this teenager.  One afternoon, while Justin was away on an orchestra trip, I received one such text at work.  Instead of ignoring it, as I usually did, I decided to play along.

The message was from Addie, a friend who was also on the orchestra trip.

"Bring us napkins, hoe!" she announced.

"No," I stated.

"Please," she begged.

"Addie, this is Mr. G, Justin's dad," I continued.

"Justin, no it's not," she replied, clearly thinking that Justin was pulling her leg.

"Go ask Justin," I encouraged.  "By the way, you spelled ho wrong."

I didn't hear any more about the napkins.

- 24 March 2015

Oh, Great

Justin came into our bedroom looking for clothes from his laundry basket. 

"Oh good," Ashley said to him, "you're going to bathe and change yesterday's clothes!  You look like a homeless person."

There was a long pause. 

"I'd make a good homeless person," he replied.

- 25 April 2015

As You Wish

"Hey, Mom!" Logan shouted from the dining room.

"Yes?" Ashley asked, as she entered the room.

"Why does Dad have to do your bidding?"

Ashley laughed heartily.

You see, I was off to Starbucks to get coffee for both of us.  Pretty soon I got this text.

"What did you tell this kid?  He's reading me the riot act for "forcing" you to do stuff for me.  When I told him you were just being nice because that's what husbands do, he interrogated me on what I was going to do for you in return.  I'm hiding in my room now just to avoid the little Nazi."

- 25 April 2015

Coach

"Oh man, I have a track meet today and I really don't want to go," Justin said, rolling his head and slouching across the kitchen.

"You don't even know if you'll be allowed to go yet," I reminded him.

Justin had been absent from school the two previous days and his attendance at the meet was still up in the air.

"He'll [the coach] probably say it's okay.  He likes me."

Well, that's good, I thought.  I had my back turned to Justin but I could still see his eyes rolling.

"I don't like it when teachers enjoy my presence."

- 23 April 2015

When I Was Six

"Remember a long time ago when I was still six," Logan began.

I nodded.  Yes, I call that today.

"...and I was in Ethan's bed [playing video games] screaming?" he asked.

I nodded again.  Yes, I call that yesterday.

- 20 April 2015

God's Most Famous Role

Logan climbed up into his bunk bed and lay down to go to sleep.  I crawled into the bottom bunk to keep him company until his brother came to bed.  As I lay there listening, the room began to fill with the usual chatter about video games and Pokeman.   My participation was limited by requirement.  A well timed, "Really," was all that was necessary.  Then the conversation took a turn.

"Dad, can God talk to us?" Logan asked.

"Yes," I replied.

"Has he ever talked to you?"

"Not so that I can hear him speaking," I said.

"Is God black or white?" he inquired.

"I don't know, sweetheart," I said.

"Is He male or female?"

Um.

"Male."

There was a pause.

"Dad, does God look like Harry Potter?"

- 20 April 2015

Canine Appeal

Logan was explaining the joys of raising dogs in Minecraft to his mother.

"If these dogs were real women like you, I would be a real ladies man because they LOVE me!"

- 14 April 2015

Obviously

"Dad, feel the rocks in the water."

"I know, they're slimy, huh!"

"No.  They're wet."

- 11 April 2015

Confession

"Do they have an insane asylum for little kids?" Logan asked.

"No, honey," I replied.

"Good.  Don't think I'm insane but I talk to my stuffed animals."

Just so long as they're not talking back to you.

- 18 March 2015

ISS

Ashley, Ethan and I were sitting around the family room chatting.

"Has Justin ever gone to ISS (In School Suspension)?" Ethan asked.

"No," Ashley replied.

Ethan looked crestfallen.

"ISS was terrible, but I got a good nap out of it," he said.

Oh good Lord, what exactly are we learning here?

- 31 March 2015

Promises, Promises

"Okay, Dad, let me sit on your lap."

Dead silence.

"What?!  I won't fart."

- 9 March 2015

Useless Chair

"Hey Dad, hold still."

- 7 March 2015

So Sweet

"Mom,

I hope you are doing well

I love you

I hope you have a great day

From Logan"

So sweet! Also, why do I look like Diana Ross?



- 11 February 2015

The Bubble Ride

- Circa 2013

Any Questions?

The Lady's Man

"Dad, I've been kissed four times at school," Logan announced.

"Really?" I asked.  "By whom?"

"By Noel and Sophia.  They can't kiss me, they don't have permission and I'm older than they are."

Oh yeah?  Correct me if I'm wrong, but they don't seem to be waiting for permission.

- 27 January 2015

Multiple Choice

"Dad, what did you think I was calling you for...a bunch of hot dogs?"

A)  I am five years old and I'm trying to master the art of sarcasm.
B)  I am five years old and I just learned how to cook hot dogs.
C)  This question really has nothing to do with hot dogs.
D)  Oh man, now I'm hungry.

- 20 November 2005

Alexander Graham Who?

Ashley was bringing Justin home from the Y.  Justin was disappointed about his friend Jacob not being able to spend the night.  Ashley told him not to be upset because he could always call Jacob on the phone and talk to him.  Justin was incredulous. 

"Mom, only old people do that."

"Not only old people do that," she replied.  "People your age (11) do that.  I used to do that all the time when I was your age."

"That's what I mean - people from 'back then,'" Justin said. 

"But Jacob has a cell phone."

"Mom, he doesn't talk on it!" 

"I've seen him talk on it plenty of times."

"He's talking to his dad...an old person!"

- 13 January 2012

Imposition

Justin was not pleased.

Once a month we head out of town on a shopping trip.  The trip takes us to places like Costco that are simply out of our normal reach.  The boys detest this trip.  Apparently, the prospect of going out to a nice dinner and spending time as a family are not enough to offset the two hour car ride and the shopping in general.

So Justin and his friend, Winston, cooked up a scheme where Justin would stay at Winston's house until we returned from our excursion.  Needless to say, this plan did not take flight.  Justin called to tell Winston the bad news just as we were merging onto the highway.

"My mom says we don't want to impose on you," Justin explained.

There was a long pause.

"I don't know what it means either."

- 6 October 2012

Leave it to Ethan

Boys like to ask questions purely for the shock value.  My sons are no different.  Any time an opportunity presents itself they will ask a question or make a comment just for the effect.  The trick is getting them to understand when it is appropriate and when it is not.  Scratch that - the trick is getting them to stop asking when they already know it's inappropriate.  So far we have failed.

From: Ashley
Sent: Thursday, January 22, 2015 10:40 AM
To: Roger G
Cc: Andy
Subject: Re: EG

Mr. G,

I appreciate you for handling this so well and letting us know.  Just so you know, we may have the "not every thought is golden" talk with Ethan--again--as well.  He tends to like to test the waters by asking "interesting" questions, though he may also have been genuinely curious in this case.

Thanks, Ashley


On Thu, Jan 22, 2015 at 8:19 AM, Roger wrote:

Mr. & Mrs. G,

Just wanted to relay a conversation that I had with Ethan yesterday.  He came up to me after [band] class (3rd period) and asked me about herpes.

I said......

"Well, there are different forms of herpes.  A cold sore as a form of herpes.  As far as we are concerned, in band if you have a cold sore and play your trumpet and someone else plays the trumpet it can be spread.  The same would be for drinking out of the same cup.  As far as the other forms you should talk with your parents."

Just keeping you in the loop with this sensitive topic.  Ethan is a delightful young man and I am thoroughly enjoying him in class.

Roger

The Parking Place

Ashley, Logan and I climbed into the van after movie night at the elementary school.  The van, Ashley's primary transportation, was covered front to back in massive quantities of bird feces.  It looked like the staging area for Alfred Hitchcock's The Birds.

"What did you do, park under sh** tree?" I asked my wife.

A voice piped up from the back seat.  Gulp!

"I would prefer it if you said, 'Park under poop tree,'" Logan stated.

I'm feeling such a strange mixture of embarrassment and pride.

- 23 January 2015

Self-awareness

When Logan saw what I had made for lunch he wanted in on the action.

"Dad, can I have a pizza too?" he asked me.

Reluctantly, I offered to share mine instead of making a whole new one.  He accepted.

"But I thought you didn't like pepperoni," I said, giving him a quizzical look.

"Dad, I stopped whining about that a long time ago."

- 25 January 2015

Heaven and Hell

Logan was using my phone to play a video game.  He sat at the dining room table complaining about how badly he was losing.

"This is just like being in...you know," he urged.

I raised my eyebrows at my six-year-old son.

"The place when you don't go to Heaven," he continued.

"You mean Hell?" I slowly asked.

"Yes, Hell!" he shouted.

That's some video game.

- 24 January 2015

Shut the Door

One thing you should understand about boys - they are unable to stay in one spot for more than 36 seconds.  It is simply not within their programming.

We were sitting outdoors on a brisk Saturday morning in May, watching hot air balloons launch and lazily float across the sky.  Ashley and a boy or two opted to remain in the comfort of the heated van.

Soon, I could hear Ashley hollering about the van doors being continuously opened and closed.

"What is going on?" I asked Justin, referring to the ruckus and shouting emanating from behind us.

"Mom," he said, chuckling.  "She's very serious about coldness."

- 12 May 2012

Puzzler

Logan stood alone at the fireplace.  The air was filled with apprehension.  Reluctantly, he attempted to complete a jigsaw puzzle, his favorite pastime, but his thoughts were being occupied elsewhere.  Every few seconds he threw a nervous glance at the grate.

"It's not like a spider is going to jump out of the chin-in-ee and eat me," he said reassuringly, his eyes glued to the fireplace, as he placed a puzzle piece into a potted plant.

- 16 September 2013

Tuesdays With Ethan

Cub Scouting's Core Value #7 - Honesty

From the Tiger Cub handbook for the first grade Scout, "Cub Scouting emphasizes the relationships of the head, the heart and the hand to 12 core values and calls them Character Connections.  As you guide your Tiger Cub...you will help him reflect on the three dimensions of character - know, commit and practice."

• Know - What do I think or know?
• Commit - How do I feel about this value?  What makes this difficult to do?
• Practice - What can I do?

Ethan and I sat down on the floor of his bedroom and began our Character Connection discussion for honesty.  There was a great deal of wiggling and fidgeting and I wasn't sure that this exercise would be very productive.

"What does it mean to be honest," I asked.

"To tell the truth," he said.

I was admittedly impressed considering how little he seemed to be paying attention.  So far, this was going better than I expected.

"Ethan, when do you find it difficult to be honest?" I asked him, as he rolled around on the carpet.

"On Tuesday," he replied.

- 4 January 2010

Roll Call

Looking forward to a day when 3-year-old bath time doesn't involve Penis Roll Call.  That is to say that the blanket statement, "all boys have a penis and all girls don't" doesn't seem to suffice.  Instead we have to individually go through our entire genealogy and half the city, including pets.

- 8 September 2011

• Alicia L That's hilarious!
  

  September 8 at 9:29pm
• Walla Walla Dad That's my life. It's nothing if not funny!
  

  September 8 at 9:31pm
• Julie S Wait until you experience cup sliding and cup spinning...
  

  September 8 at 9:44pm
• Bryn B We had the same problem when Lindsay was figuring out the difference between boys and girls. She had to confirm that a whole bunch of people had the proper parts. I hated it when she would go through the neighbors. "Does Mr. Matt have a penis?" "Yes, and now Mommy's going to have a hard time looking at him without blushing next time I see him."
  

  September 9 at 3:45am
• Carrie R My nephew used to inventory boobies, which was interesting when it came to some flat chested friends.
  

  September 9 at 4:37am
• Walla Walla Dad Our roll call often includes neighborhood pets as well (dead or alive).
  

  September 9 at 6:25am
• Jeff R ‎"Spectacles, testicles, glasses, keys". That was my 96 year old step-father last week. It never ends.
  

  September 9 at 1:01pm
• Kyra R LOL! It's my life with 3 boys, too! I've had a terrible time convincing my 3 year old that mommy doesn't have one! Public bathroom:"Mommy - I saw your penis!" No son, I'm pretty certain you didn't. Sheesh!
  

  September 9 at 4:37pm
• Ashley As long as I'm not included on that list, we're good.
  

  September 9 at 8:57pm
• Walla Walla Dad Hello delusional, you're in the top 4!
  

  September 10 at 8:45am

Seattle

Ashley, Justin and I took a trip to Seattle.  Justin was very young, only two years old, and receiving all the attention as he was still an only child.  We enjoyed ourselves enormously but Justin seemed to be slightly stressed out.  During the entire trip he kept asking when we were going to Seattle.  At first, his little mantra was cute but, as time wore on, it became quite frustrating.  We kept telling him that we were in Seattle.  The entire city was Seattle.  Everything he could see was Seattle.

When it came time to leave he became very upset because "we didn't Seattle."

??

Halfway home it dawned on us that he thought we were going to see Attle.

To this day we have no idea who Attle is.

- Circa 2002

Your Attention Please

Logan appeared holding a spear and telling a story.

"...since there was no bad guys in that day," he said, looking a little distressed.

"Which one?" I asked.

"The one that started before this one.  I've got to fight them," he announced.

Ugh, now I sort of wish I had been paying more attention.  Perhaps I missed something but if there were no bad guys on that day, who exactly will you be fighting?  And where are you going with that spear?

- 22 July 2012

Dream Killer

Getting through to your children is difficult at the best of times.  When someone else is doing something that they have been told they can't do, it makes it that much worse.

It was nine o'clock in the morning and 60 degrees.  The Sunriver Homeowners Aquatic & Recreation Center (SHARC) had been open since six and Justin and I had been round and round about going to swim outdoors so early in the morning in an unheated pool.  As we drove past the facility and saw half a dozen people out swimming he turned and gave me a pleading look.

"No way in hell," I said.

Justin held up a hand.

"Don't talk while my dreams are dying."

- 8 August 2012

Rules of the Game

Ahead of his confirmation, I decided that Ethan needed a little practice shaking hands.  He had just turned nine and it was time that he learned how men shook each others hands.  As practice got under way, Justin decided that he wanted in on the action.

"I am not in the habit of shaking hands with men who are not wearing pants," I told him.

- 19 May 2012

Incensed

I had just finished Logan's bath and popped a diaper on him for overnight protection.  I dashed downstairs to grab pajamas from the laundry when what did I hear standing at the top of the stairs screaming down in my direction?

"I don't need a diaper for bed time!"

You want a bet?

"Joyce (the sitter) said no!"

Oh did she now?

"I not stupid you know!"

It was too much - I laughed so hard that I almost cried.  Get a good picture in your mind of this 3-year-old with his dander up, going to bed angry because he was being forced to wear a diaper.  I ran up the stairs and herded the heated little monster toward his bedroom. 

Now, picture him hopping into bed and landing square on top of the whoopee cushion that his older brothers had planted under the covers.  His look of terror was absolute.  At first he started to cry.  Then he started to laugh and looked me right in the eye and said,

"Dad, that was just a poopie cushion."

I'm still crying.

- 14 September 2011

This Day In History

Ethan was apprehensive about missing school to make a trip to see the doctor.  He was also a little leery about the prospect of having blood drawn.  As I sat at work going through old email files, I wanted nothing more than to give him a hug and tell him that things could always be worse.  Almost at once, I tripped over this email dated a year ago today.  I believe I was explaining why I wouldn't be at a meeting later that evening.

1/13/2014

"...Ethan broke his finger and injured his leg and foot.  The water heater died, the dishwasher is broken and the shower is leaking into the basement..."

See?  At least things are starting out better today!

- 13 January 2015 

The Five Year Gap

What happens when you have two brothers that are five years older than you are?  Nothing good. 

Logan, as the youngest, is exposed to subject matter far beyond the appropriate limits for a child of his age more often than I would care to admit.  And, thanks to his older brothers, he has inadvertently seen a lot of scary movies.  Case in point.  The other night, Logan lay in bed next to Ashley, watching The Sound of Music for the first time.  You couldn't hear the movie over the sound of Logan asking how terrifying it would be and whether or not there would be magic portals.  He hid under the covers because he was convinced that something would jump out and scare him.

Well, maybe a Nazi or two.

- 21 December 2014 

Don't Do It

"Hey, Dad.  I don't think this is a good idea but I'm going to do it anyway."

At first, when he sneaked up behind me and said this, I was certain that he was going to kick me.  After all, my back was turned and I was in a crouching position, ripe for the kicking.  As it turns out, all he wanted to do was drink a glass of chocolate milk and a glass of regular milk using two different straws all at the same time.

He was right, it wasn't a good idea because as soon as he started to drink, he began to laugh causing milk to spray across the table and out of his nose.

I think I would rather have been kicked.

- 4 January 2015

St-inky

"It smells like somebody pooped and then a squid inked."

Say what now?

- 3 January 2015

The Story of Ethan

My name is Ethan.  I’m writing a story about me, my life and some other things.  I hope that who ever is reading this gets to know me better.  I hope you enjoy this story a lot.

First I’m going to write about me for example, things I like to do, my fears and things I don’t really like and some of my hobbies.

Things I like	fears	Things I don’t like	Hobbies
drawing	Mail men	running	drawing
video games	Clowns	My Brothers (sometimes)	Writing
Riding my  bike	Demons	Broccoli	Swimming
Cats	Dolls	The ocean	Golfing
	milk		Playing chess

Now on to my family. I have 2 parents, 2 brothers, 2 cats but 1 ran away because our other fat cat ate all the food and 4 grandparents but I only have met 2 of them.  My parent’s names are Ashley and Andy.  They are both 40.  My grandparent’s names are Matt and Lynda and they live in Pullman, WA.  I have 2 brothers.  My oldest brother’s name is Justin and he is in 8^th grade at Garrison Middle School.  My little brother’s name is Logan and he just started his first year at Sharpstein Elementary.  I had 2 cats, Oliver and Cooper but Cooper ran away, probably because Oliver ate all of the food.  Oliver is the fattest cat I’ve ever seen.  My brother Justin and I had 2 fishes but my fish ate his and died about 4 day’s later.

Now for some extra things like what I want to be when I grow up and stuff like that. When I grow up I hope to get into ether Whitman collage or WSU so I can learn how to be an author and stuff and if I’m not an author than ill try to be a teacher or something like that. I have 3 weakness and they are Ethtinite (it's what Ethan World is made of), milk and octopuses but mostly Ethtinite. One of my greatest moments is when I met my best friends. My other greatest moment is when I saved the world from the zombie aliens who summoned giant asteroids to destroy earth while going back in time to destroy the dinosaurs so that they would not exist in the present and earned $4,000,000,000,000,000 and became the president of the universe and I became immortal and invincible for all of time.

Extra Extra Things

Favorite shows	Favorite places	Favorite colors
Doctor Who	Walla Walla	blue
South Park	Pullman	Orange
Family Guy	Portland	purple

In conclusion I hope that I will succeed with my goals and that I will have the best school year I can.  And if I don’t then at least I tried hard.

Fin

- 23 September 2014

The End

"Dad, I'm only going to ask you one more time," he said, climbing out of the bathtub.  There was a definite hint of annoyance.

I silently wondered what had happened to the first time he asked.

"What is the end?" he stated, fixing me with a stern gaze.

The end?  Of time, of days, of my patience?  What?  My blank look spurred him on.

"The last number," he said.

Oh, the end.  No idea.  He was decidedly displeased when I told him that numbers never end and went to ask his mother.

- 21 December 2014