The French Letter

All three of my boys are very curious.  Some might say nosy, but I know better.  Despite the fact that it remains true today, it was especially true when they were three years old.  Logan was no exception.

"Daddy, what's in there?" Logan asked, as he pulled open the drawer of my bedside table.

I lay on the bed with my back towards him, reading a book.

"Stuff," I replied, believing stupidly that he would immediately lose interest.

"What's the red thingy?" he asked.

"Red thingy?" I said, a slight panic in my voice.

I bolted upright, my mind frantically searching for the item called, "the red thingy."  It turned out to be the air horn Ashley got me for Christmas.

Why do I have an air horn in my bedside table?  Ask any father of two or more boys and they will share the virtually endless uses and advantages.  For example, do you have trouble getting your sons out of bed and ready for school in the mornings?  Air horn.  Tired of the constant bickering and fighting?  Air horn.  Does the dinner table frequently become noisy with overrunning conversations that nobody can understand?  Air horn.  I assume they have practical uses outside of the home as well.

"What's this?" he asked, unearthing a tin and rattling it.

Ooo!  Condoms.

That's enough of Daddy's bedside table.

- 1 March 2012

Favorites

I don’t even know what we were talking about but this was definitely not a new conversation topic.

“You have favorites,” Logan insisted, speaking of himself and his brothers. 

“No, I don’t,” I assured him.  

“Yes you do.  Me!  I’m your only non-evil child.”

Well, you do make a good point. 

- 16 December 2017

AM/PM

“Dad?   Daaaad!” Logan shouted in a whisper through the darkness.

It sounded urgent.

“What is it?  What happened?  Is someone hurt?” I asked, trying to rally from a dead sleep and bring my brain into focus.

“Can we open our stockings now?”

What?  You've got to be kidding me.  You're lucky I can't see you well enough to reach out and strangle you.

“No!” I said, firmly, “Now, go back to bed.”

“But it’s 12:47,” he protested.

WTF?

“AM!” I shouted.

I could only imagine what I was unable to see.  There was undoubtedly an angry, pouting face accompanied by arms thrown down at his sides as he turned and stomped off across the carpeted room trying to make every disapproving noise he could think of without getting into trouble for making actual noise.  I didn't hear from him again until seven.

- 25 December 2017

Escape Plan

Logan takes his second grade “homework” very seriously.  Today, the fire department came and did a Safety Always Matters presentation at school.  Part of their homework assignment was to draw a map of the house and include escape routes.  Logan sat down at the dining room table and painstakingly drew out a map of the house.  He marked all the exits, plotted the escape routes and then drew and labeled a picture of the cat. 

Apparently, this map is not fit for human use, so long as the cat knows what to do.

- 21 September 2016

I Win, The End

Yet another discussion/argument on the car ride home between Logan and me.  

“I really want a kitty,” Logan said, from the backseat. 

“Over my dead body!” I managed to exclaim, without using any expletives. 

“How come what you say goes?” he demanded. 

“Because I’m the man of the house,” I said, knowing my wife wasn’t around to hear me.

“Well, everyone gets a vote,” he continued. 

I'd be open to that.  So long as the vote is, “No kitty.”

“No, I win, the end,” I said.

As far as I was concerned, the matter was now closed.

“Huh uh, Mom has more potential than you,” he sassed. 

Potential?  Maybe.

Pull, clout, say so?  Hardly.

Awesomeness?  Never.

- 30 October 2017

Typical Teenager

Justin and Ashley were riding in the van and Ashley was sort of talking to herself when Justin decided to butt in.

“Sometimes when you talk, I just want to kill myself.”

We love you too, sweetheart. 

- 16 December 2016

Eclectica

Justin and I were driving the new truck home from Pullman after Christmas.  Justin was deeply engrossed in his new book, the radio was playing and I was enjoying the scenery as the music faded into commercial.

“Eclectica...”

That sounds interesting, I thought.

“...because not all toys are for children.”

I'm not sure what happened next because my brain did a back flip.  I tried to reach for the radio dial but found myself paralyzed.  

“Purveyors of lingerie, lotions, potions and adult toys,” the voice continued.  

Egad!

Before I could even formulate a thought, Justin chimed in.

“I can only think of one toy that's not made for children,” he said without looking up.  

I nearly ran off the road.  Dear Lord, what do I do?  Do I say something?  Should I ask?  Is this how it’s going to end, with me having a conversation with my eleven-year-old about adult toys?  I remember when you were only a child.  It seems like only five minutes ago.

Unfortunately, or perhaps much to my relief, I never did find out what toy he was referring to.  He just went right back to his book and didn’t say another word.

- 26 December 2011

Leyendo en Español

“Logan, have you done your reading for today?” I asked. 

“Um, yes,” he said, avoiding my eyes.

“No you haven’t.  You need to read in Spanish,” I said. 

“I might not even have a Spanish library book!” he retorted. 

“That’s okay, we have plenty of books in Spanish.  You check to see if it’s a Spanish reading night and I'll know exactly what to do,” I told him. 

“I don’t like any of the books we have in Spanish,” he complained. 

“Oh, really?” I asked, “Which ones don’t you like?”

There was a pause as he headed down the hall.

“You know, the ones in Spanish,” he hollered, angrily. 

Pretty soon he headed into his room and slammed the door.

“Logan, are you reading?” I called, loudly. 

“Duh!” he shouted, through the door.

Duh, meaning “no”.

He opened the door just a crack and shouted, “Nobody disturb me!” and slammed the door again.

Nobody disturb me, meaning “I’m busy doing everything except the one thing you asked me to do and I don’t want you to find out.”

- 16 October 2017

The Toothbrush Factory

Logan had failed to draw breath for the past half hour.  I was drifting in and out of the conversation, adding an occasional comment at the appropriate interval, nodding and smiling and doing my part.  As any parent will tell you, having children means you will never have another moment's peace.  Suddenly, my attention was arrested and I was drawn back to reality.

“You know Lexie.  My partner.  She picked me and then I picked her.”

All at once I kind of wish I knew what we were talking about.

“Her dad is the manager of...” he trailed off to think, “...of the toothbrush factory?”

It came out as more of a question than a statement.  My mind was blank.  It was like some sort of horrible riddle.  Now, I know a lot of people in various lines of work but I am darn near certain that I don't know a manager of a toothbrush factory.  The expectant silence was growing uncomfortable.  He looked up at me with a pleading expression.  I took a shot in the dark.

“You mean the dentist's office?” I asked hopefully.

“Yes,” he replied, apparently relieved.

“You mean her dad's the dentist at the dentist's office.”

“Yes, dentist's office.”

Whew!

- 27 October 2016

I Can Float

In response to my announcement that swimming lessons would start up again at the end of October.

“Yeah, Dad can we shut that down?” Logan asked. 

I returned a look of puzzlement.

“I think I've learned enough.  I can float.”

- 18 September 2017

One Up

The fourth of July was winding down.  It had been celebrated with its usual fanfare and, after we had finished watching the neighbors set their field on fire and the spectacular city fireworks display, we piled into the car for the midnight ride home.  Everyone was tired and the boys were starting to push each other's buttons.  Sooner or later, tempers were bound to erupt.  Sure enough...

“Ethan, you're a dork loser idiot!” Logan hollered.

Seemingly unfazed, Ethan replied, “If I'm a dork loser idiot then you're a naked dork loser idiot.”

- 4 July 2017

Radio Stations

“Change the channel,” Justin demanded from the backseat. 

“No,” I replied, just for sport. 

Besides, I like this station and the fact that you don’t makes it that much sweeter.

“What if I cry, then will you change the channel?”

No, but I might laugh.  Just a little.

- 18 June 2017

The Progression of Things

Walking to the car after swimming lessons on a warm fall evening.  We started out talking about the temperature and then the weather in general followed by rain specifically when one thing led to another and bing, bang, boom we were talking about poop.

“All animals poop on the ground out in the woods, you know,” I said.

“I only know of one animal that doesn't,” Logan said.

“Doesn't poop?” I asked. 

“Yeah.”

“Which one?” I asked, my curiosity peaked.

“Bats!” he said proudly. 

“Bats?  Are you serious?  They poop like crazy.  Haven't you ever heard of guano?”

“No!  Are you serious?”

“Of course I'm serious.”

“What about penguins?” he wanted to know. 

“Yes.”

“Really?  What about platypuses?”

“They poop too.  Everybody poops, you know.  There's even a book about it.”

Dead silence.

“What book?”

“A book about pooping.  It's called Everybody Poops.”

Another long pause.

“Are you being serious right now?” he asked. 

“Quite,” I said. 

“Man, I have a lot to learn,” he whispered.

- 27 September 2016

Take a Leaf

Ashley to Justin, probably about homework.

“You could do with taking a leaf from Ethan's book.”

“I'm not going to write a book, it takes too long.”

But that's not what...oh, brother.  Where do I begin?

- 6 October 2017

Vending Machines

For one reason or another I found myself having to bring Ethan to work with me.  Fortunately, the bank branch where I work has an enormous lunch room in the basement, complete with a kitchen, couch and vending machines.  Ethan had come prepared with things to keep him occupied, so I left him with specific instructions related to movement and behavior and went back upstairs to work.  Keep in mind that this basement lunch room was used by the entire staff of this three-story building, not just the branch staff where I worked.  Many of the others would not know who Ethan was or why he was there.  I checked on Ethan periodically, each time reminding him not to bother people and each time he would ask, in vain, for quarters to use the vending machine.

A little while later my boss called me into her office.  She closed the door and sat down behind her desk.

“I have to tell you what Ethan did,” she said, in a very serious voice.

Oh my word.  My heart skipped a beat.  Well, it's been nice working with all of you.

Suddenly, the meeting took an unexpected turn.

She had come down to the lunch room to find Ethan, arms at his sides, leaning his head against the glass of the vending machine starring at its contents.  He let out a tremendous sigh.  Without looking up and in his most pathetic voice he said,

“I would ask you for a quarter but my dad says I'm not allowed to.”

- Circa 2010

Not Just for Shopping

The other day my wife came up to me and asked if I knew why there was a shopping cart in our backyard filled with branches.  That is odd, I admitted.  Where do other families keep their shopping carts?  I don’t want to be the only one doing it wrong.

I looked out the back window to see for myself and, sure enough, there was a Safeway shopping cart on the other side of the fence.  That seemed like a peculiar way to do the yard work.  We live two miles away from that particular grocery store and we have yard waste bins already on hand.

Today my wife discovered that Ethan and his friends found the cart at a local elementary school so, naturally, they brought it home and gave each other rides up and down the alley behind our house.  I still don’t know about the branches.

- 15 August 2017

My Wife's Lament

My wife flopped down on the bed next to me.  This is the point at which she had had enough.

"Weeding bites wind and so do cats.

And being a maid.

I have done nothing but clean up boy crap for five days and host sleepovers, which are very different than the ones I used to have.  These involve eating and drinking everything in the house, trying to sneak out, staying up all night watching video games, and not bathing for days.

It's going to take me years to get the boy smell out of my basement!

One kid's been here three days.  We may have accidentally adopted him. 

Okay two days, but it seems like more. 

I may also be exaggerating about the number of days I've been cleaning, but it sucks so I get an extra one."

- 10 April 2015

Fishy

Have you ever seen the show called American Dad?  Well, whether I like it or not, my eight-year-old son has.  (This is what comes from having older brothers and no control over the remote.)  Being eight limits your options and it also doesn't help that I like the show too - Logan didn't stand a chance.  As I sat in the dining room writing and watching the latest in a line of severe thunderstorms parade past the window, Logan sidled up to me and glanced up at the television.  I quickly reached for the remote, attempting to change the channel or turn it off.

“I don't like Claus' German accent,” he said, casually, trying to pass off his knowledge of the show as merely coincidental.

A hundred thoughts ran through my head.  I was glad his brothers were occupied elsewhere.  They would have been all over that comment with the inappropriateness of a camel in a brassiere.  Teenagers like to stir pots, did you know?

“Oh, really?” I asked, “Why?”

“It's just not natural for a fish,” he said, nodding.  Then he turned and left.

A hundred thoughts...but not that one.  That’s what bothers you?

It's just not natural for a fish that can talk, eh?

- 26 June 2017

Jesus?

“Dad, can I help set up the thing?” Logan asked. 

“The nativity set?” I said. 

“Yeah,” he said, tentatively. 

“Of course.  Why don’t I unpack everything and you can arrange them.”

Jesus?  Anyone seen Jesus?

- 3 December 2017

The Best Names

Ever wonder what it would be like if really horrible things had everyday names?  Me neither.  But, apparently Ethan does. 

At lunch one day, Ethan found himself starring at Logan’s chocolate milk. 

"What if ISIS was really called Nesquik?" Ethan asked the table at large. 

- 6 April 2015

I Want to Eat Randy

“Did you hear that?” Logan asked, interrupting our conversation.  

We were sitting in an Italian restaurant, waiting for our to-go order, trying to catch as many Pokémon as we could from our table. 

“I want to eat Randy,” he said, excitedly patting me on the arm.  “I love that song.”

He began to sing a little bit of the song and trailed off as I listened, trying to catch even a hint of the tune.  No such luck. 

“I...want to eat Randy...hmm, hmm, hmm...”

I’m afraid I don’t know that one.  I swear, kids today and their music.  Nodding and smiling, I turned my attention back to the Pokémon.  Another uneventful minute passed while Logan fiddled with my phone and something caught my attention.  Now I could hear the music and it was something I recognized.  Enough of this Randy business.  It was Manic Monday by The Bangles.  What a relief. 

“Just another manic Monday,” I sang, under my breath. 

I began to hum along when I noticed Logan was staring at me. 

“What?” I broke off. 

“You like it too?” he asked.  “I really like that song.”

“What song?” I asked, feeling as though I had missed something. 

“I Want to Eat Randy,” he said, smiling. 

Oh!

- 1 December 2017

What Do You Say?

Sometimes I feel like a really awesome dad, like my wife and I are really rockin’ this parenting thing.  Other times I don’t. 

At the dinner table tonight, Logan let out a large, loud belch, at least four seconds long.  It was apparent because, somehow, I could still hear the clock ticking behind him.  I was horrified, secretly proud, but horrified. 

“What do you say?” I demanded, expecting the answer, “excuse me.”

“Hold on,” he said, “I’m not done.”

- 28 November 2017

The Beginning of the End

Today is the day Justin got his learners permit.  He spent an hour driving us around town (mostly back roads).  Nobody swore (aloud), nobody had to be yelled at and I didn't cry once.









Part of me is excited that there will now be another driver to help take this circus on the road.  The other part of me, the part that just paid the insurance premium and filled up the gas tank, is not.





- 21 November 2015

Flashlight

Logan stood in front of me in the kitchen, waving my MAGLITE around his head.

“What are you doing with my flashlight, again?” I asked, with a note of irritation. 

“I’m using it,” he said, still swinging it wildly. 

“For what?” I demanded. 

Before he even had a chance to formulate a response, he proceeded to clock himself in the back of the head.


My wife said that I shouldn’t have laughed but I think I made my point. 

- 11 November 2017

Beautiful Sleep

“Dad, what’s for dinner?” Logan asked. 

Good grief.  Every single night.  I don’t know!  What does it say on the menu?

“I’m going to make Stouffers,” I said, in what I thought was a polite tone. 

“Do I get the whole thing to myself?” he asked. 

“No, it’ll be you and Ethan,” I said. 

“Not if I don’t wake him from his beautiful sleep.”

- 9 November 2017

Guinea Pigs Day Two

Someone, who shall remain nameless, that looks an awfully lot like my wife, had the bright idea to encourage Logan to keep a journal of the guinea pig’s activities.  Actually, the journal idea wasn’t a bad one by itself but she forgot that eventually we would have to endure a full accounting of every move the guinea pigs made through the eyes of a nine-year-old.  

Sure enough, not a half hour had passed before Logan appeared at the end of our bed.  Like any good parents, we made a feeble attempt to ignore his presence.  I tried to continue writing and my wife turned up the volume on the television.  No luck.  Completely unphased and sensing defeat, he smiled and started at the beginning.  I could see that he had covered the entire page, writing in every conceivable space.  At first, I thought we might have misjudged a child of nine’s ability to write an interesting and concise account of 30 minutes in the life of a pair of rodents.  Sadly, I was mistaken.  I think the realization that I was never going to get these 10 minutes back came at the seventh reading of the sentence, “Then Pepper ate some hay.”  

At the conclusion of his recital, Logan closed the journal and neatly tucked it under his arm.  

“That was just day one.  Tomorrow will be day two.”

If I didn’t know any better I would say that almost sounded like a threat.  Logan danced his way out of the room leaving me to wonder if tomorrow Pepper would eat some more hay. 

- 6 November 2017

Toothpaste

Logan lay quite still on our bed, gently holding Pepper, one of his new guinea pigs.  He was talking softly but animatedly while the guinea pig chirped and cooed at him.  All of a sudden the conversation stopped. 

“I know!” he quietly exclaimed, “I got toothpaste in my belly button too.”

My wife and I exchanged puzzled looks.  I raised my hand and opened my mouth to ask a hundred questions but I found myself incapable of speaking so I lowered my hand and closed my mouth.

I still don’t understand. 

- 5 November 2017

Spiders

"Dad, did you know that there are spiders as big as tires?"

"Car tires?" I asked in alarm.

"Yeah!" he said. 

"I've never heard of spiders that big before.   Where exactly are they?" I asked with a distinct note of panic in my voice. 

"They live in the desert," he said, matter-of-factly.

"Which desert?" I asked, not bothering to keep the skepticism out of my voice.

I had a picture of myself riding my camel across the Saharan dunes only to encounter an arachnid the size of a truck tire waiting to snack on my flesh and that of my camel.

"The desert," he said. "You know, the hot one."

Yeah, that’s what I thought.  <insert eye rolling here>

- 12 October 2017

15 Things I Never Said Before I Had Boys

1. Let go of your penis.
2. Don't point that gun at your mother.
3. Dude, let go of your penis.
4. Where are you clothes?
5. Seriously, let go of your penis.
6. Why are there Legos in the washing machine?
7. Where are all the couch cushions?
8. Why is your brother standing on the porch mooning us?
9. Yes, Mrs. Smith, I know they're naked.
10. Why is this door sticky?
11. Where are all of the matches?
12. Minecraft is my favorite video game too.
13. Please tell me that puddle I just stepped in was a melted ice cube.
14. The next person who pees standing up gets to clean the bathroom.
15. Be careful that you don't slam your penis in the screen door!

That's the Old Saying

I may be dumb but I'm not stupid - except on occasion.  Even though I knew this was a ruse, I somehow let myself be talked into coming all the way into the basement to get Logan a Go-gurt from the freezer.  Unfortunately, this was not the first time I had genuinely fallen for one of Logan's ploys and, dare I say, it wouldn't be the last.

"Logan, why did you do that to me?  You're perfectly capable of doing this yourself," I said, with a note of exasperation.

"Sometimes you have to trick your friends and family into doing things for you," he said.  "That's the old saying, right?"

Yeah, well here's another old saying for you, I thought, showing my favorite finger to the back of his departing head.

- 20 December 2016

Genealogy

A ride in the car is never a dull moment with any of my sons.

"Dad, am I part Chinese?" Logan asked out of nowhere.

"No.  You're English and Irish," I said.

"Is Mom part Chinese?" he asked.

*sigh*

"No."

"How come she doesn't speak Chinese?" he demanded.

She eats Chinese, does that count?

"Dude, she already speaks Boy, isn't that enough?" I asked, pointedly ending the conversation.

I could hear him muttering something about Chinese all the way down the street.

- 26 June 2017

Pretty

If you feel like you need some real insight into what it's like to raise a house full of boys, read this post that my wife sent me this morning.  I'd be appalled if it weren't actually true.  No wait, I'm still appalled.

My friend asked me what it was

like to live in a house full of boys

so I peed on her bathroom floor,

ate everything in her fridge, told

her 800 stories about Minecraft,

farted 20 times, and when she

was ready to kill me, I gave her a

hug and told her she was pretty.

- 4 April 2017

Revenge

"What's all the whining about?" my wife asked, as I came into the bedroom to escape the intense carping that was my son.

"Oh, his brothers were making fun of him," I said, "and now he's mad at me because I won't help him get revenge by waiting until they're asleep and writing, 'Captain Doo-doo Head' on their faces."

"I'm in!" she shouted.  "Pick me!  Pick me!"

- 5 May 2017

I’m Your MOTHER

I can just make out Beavis and Butthead chuckling in the background. 

- 4 May 2017

You Asked

My wife found this post that, quite frankly, sums it all up very nicely. 

My friend asked me what it was like living in a house full of boys.  So I proceeded to pee on her bathroom floor, eat everything in her fridge, tell her 800 stories about Minecraft, fart 20 times, and, when she was ready to kill me, I gave her a hug and told her she was pretty.

- 24 April 2017