Serious Business

Elefun is a children’s game from Hasbro.  The object of the game is to use your net to catch as many butterflies as possible as they fly from a plastic elephant’s meter-long trunk.  It is not exactly rocket science but to a three-year-old, it apparently requires a strategy.

Logan was playing with his cousin, Taylor.  As the first round ended, he brought the game to a halt. 

“I need to consider this,” he said, his brow furrowed. 

Dare I ask what you are considering?  Perhaps a plot to knock her over and steal her net?  No, wait, that's the adult version.

- 8 August 2012

The Ultimate Insult

Logan had been having quite a day.  Nothing seemed to be going his way, at least not by his standards.  The entire day had been nothing but whining and complaining over being "forced" to do the things he was already supposed to be doing, like eating his breakfast and getting ready for school.  Finally, we had reached bedtime and the culminating event.

“Logan, go brush your teeth," my wife hollered from the next room.

There was a pause.

“My guinea pigs don’t like you!” came the reply. 

- 11 January 2018

Substitute Teacher

As we sat at the dinner table sharing the day’s news, Logan began telling us a story about the guest teacher they had had in class that day. 

“Our guest teacher knew me and my friend by name,” Ethan commented, in a would be casual voice, not looking up from his plate, when Logan paused. 

“What class was this?” my wife asked.

“English,” Ethan replied. 

“Why?” she asked, with slight alarm.

Ethan was not forthcoming.  I rolled my eyes.  Freshman, I thought.

“I'll tell you why,” I said, cutting across the conversation.  “She probably warned the sub about them in her notes.”

Ethan looked extremely sheepish as he examined the dinner on his plate.  It turns out I was right.

“Later we were shouting across the room at each other and pretending we didn’t know how to read,” he added.

I still don’t understand why we haven’t received a phone call from the school yet.

- 8 January 2018

Butt Face

Logan was lying on the end of the bed and Ashley had just placed the second guinea pig on his chest and left the room.  The guinea pigs wiggled and squirmed as the vied for position.  As each guinea pig settled into his spot, one ended up facing Logan and the other one did not. 

“Mom,” Logan said, in a low drawn out whisper, clearly wanting help and pointing frantically at Pepper. 

“[So] you have a butt in your face,” she said, clearly not impressed. 

“Welcome to parenthood,” I added. 

If you are going to cry for help every time someone (or something) sticks a butt in your face, you’re not ready to be a parent.  Just be grateful that it was clean and inactive. 

- 4 January 2018

Liberation

Logan has been excited about Halloween all year.  Finally, the evening arrived and the trick-or-treating commenced.  At first, this four-year-old was content to follow his older brothers from house to house - porch to porch but, as the evening wore on, his interest began to wane - or so we thought.

His pace began to slow and his brothers were now at least two houses ahead - their lead ever widening.  Suddenly his interest was rekindled.  Ashley and I split up so that we could keep an eye on everyone.  Logan would go to one house and then drag his feet on the next.  Then he would get excited and then he would be sad.  I was beginning to see a pattern.

All at once it dawned on me that this was not a child who was tired of the festivities.  This was a child who wanted to do it by himself.  I put my theory to the test at the next house that already had kids on the porch.

"Logan, why don't you go up to this house and I'll wait for you right here," I assured him.

"Oh...but someone's using that one."

- 31 October 2012

Settings

Logan was four and loved to help his babysitter, Joyce, around the house.  Joyce bought a new coat for her boyfriend at Eddie Bauer and had cleaned it before she would let him wear it.  When she went to put it into the dryer, Logan in tow, she commented about how she wanted to be careful so that it didn't shrink.

"I don't think our dryer has a shrink setting," he pointed out.

Oh, if only you knew.

- 10 October 2012

Corn Maze

Justin had been asking, nay begging, for years to go to the scary corn maze.  You know, the after hours event where masked men with chain saws burst out of the corn and chase you into the night.  Yeah, that one.  He was almost 13 so this year we agreed.  Justin was very excited and went with his buddies.  He'll tell you that he just wanted to "hang" with all of his friends but I think it's because, the more of them there were, the less likely he would end up as bait while everyone else ran away to soil themselves.

Instead of dropping them off to be picked up later, I decided to hang around for the fun, so found a seat around the bonfire, whipped out my phone and settled in to listen to the screaming.  I don't know how long he was in there or what I did the whole time I was waiting.  All I know is that there are a lot of new apps on my phone.

When Justin finally emerged, I eagerly awaited to hear how it went.  He passed off the whole experience as "no big deal."  Yeah, right.  My best friend, Jeff, was working in the corn maze and I'll bet he had a different story to tell.

Having helped Jeff with construction and preparations that year, I knew that at one point during the maze, you must pass through an old farm outbuilding.  According to Jeff, when Justin passed by, he leaped out of the ceiling and scared the liver out of Justin, then wouldn't let him pass.  Justin would never admit to it but I'll bet he peed a little. 

That was better than Christmas.

I suppose it didn't help the I sent Jeff a text letting him know that Justin had entered the maze.

- 18 October 2013

Can't Get Me

One of the standard daily games I have been roped into with my three-year-old involves locking the door so that I can't open it to take him out.  It's like a weird game of chess.

"I locked the door so you can't get me," Logan giggled.

"Oh, you think so, huh?" I asked.

"Yes," he said.

He paused to think.

"Do you have your keys?" he asked.

Check. 

I jingled them in the ignition.

Now I could see the wheels really turning.

"You can't use them because you're stupid and my friends think you're dumb."

Checkmate. 

Is that so?  I tried not to laugh.  If you've been gone for a year because I have grounded you, I wonder if your friends will remember you.

- 17 April 2012

Good News

My wife teaches at the same elementary school that my sons attend which, by the way, is extremely handy.  Especially in the case of my third-grader, Ethan. 

One afternoon, Ashley called me at work to tell me something about Ethan.  My heart sank, as it usually did when I received these phone calls.  She had passed a cadre of third-graders lined up in the hall - all missing recess.  She was delighted to see that Ethan was not one of them for a change.  No doubt there was trouble brewing elsewhere but that was a different phone call for another time.

- Circa 2011

Hallway of Doom

Sitting in the living room, I could just see Logan running up and down the dark hallway with his hands over his head, using his very best "ghost" voice.

"Hallway of doom!" he kept moaning.

Justin looked at me and said, out of the corner of his mouth,

"That is a noisy hallway."

- 26 October 2012

Near Death Experience

Our old truck was built the same year I graduated from high school.  It is safe to say that it has seen a thing or two.  So, it came as no surprise to me that, one afternoon, when Logan, Ethan and I were on our way to the hardware store, Logan spotted a spider...on the inside.

What did come as a surprise to me was the blood curdling scream.  Before I had time enough to steer back onto the road, I was thrown hard against the driver's-side door.  Thank goodness for my seatbelt and a sturdy door latch.  You see, the truck has a very tiny cab and we were already seated elbow-to-elbow when we came under attack.  Logan and Ethan were leaning so far to the left that I could barely steer, let alone investigate the arachnidian commencement of hostilities.

When we finally reached our destination, amid complaints that I was taking too long to park, the boys forced me out of the driver's-side door.  They nearly climbed over each other in a mad scramble to escape their assailant.  I walked around the truck and opened the passenger door to locate what turned out to be a fingernail-sized spider, which I removed and squashed.  Nothing less would have been acceptable to Chicken Little and his brother.

The weather was too cold or I'm certain they would have insisted on riding in the truck bed on the way home.

- 18 March 2012

Obsolescence

Worried about obsolescence?  It's not just for electronics anymore.  I read a recent article about how quickly electronics become obsolete and I'm pretty sure that by the time I was done, all of my various gadgets were past their prime.

But what about me, as a husband or a father?  How long before they roll out the newer model and I become yesterday's news?  Too late.

Justin sat on the patio, fiddling with my iPod.  He was shocked to discover that it contained a small number of games.  Many were the snide remarks about how there must be some mistake since I am clearly too old to play games and that 90% of my music had no lyrics.  I started to protest in defense of the contents.

"I listen to it at work...and not in my free time...'cause I don't have any," I began.

"What?  I can't hear you over your oldness," he shouted.

- 4 July 2012

The Mean One

At three, Ethan couldn’t be bothered to remember anybody’s real name.  Instead, he decided to associate people with their actions.

Case in point: Preschool had begun and, in order to make him feel better and make a smoother transition into school, we allowed one of his favorite Beanie Babies to accompany him. 

“Ethan, how was your first day of preschool?” my wife asked, when she went to pick him up.  “Did you make any friends?”

“The Mean One stole my turkey,” he replied.

It took us quite a while to get Ethan to stop referring to that kid as The Mean One.

- 25 August 2006

Bluescarries

Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is a G-rated movie.  Who knew that, to my five-year-old, it would also become a horror flick?

The four of us were at the family reunion on the Oregon coast.  Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory was on TV one night, so the kids all gathered around to watch, Justin and Ethan among them.  When the movie had ended, Ethan came to my wife looking stricken. 

He was terrified that he was beginning to expand and turn blue.  Apparently, the fate of Miss Violet Beauregarde was too much for him to handle.  Ethan continued, frequently, to ask us if he was turning blue.  Of course, Justin was only too delighted to tell Ethan that he was and to ask him if he was getting bigger each time it seemed as though he had forgotten to be worried. 

 

Big brothers are turds.

In order to get Ethan to sleep that night, Ashley had to dig up a pocket-sized mirror from her purse for him to take to bed so that he could wake up in the middle of the night and check to see if he was turning blue.  He kept asking us if his face was blue for the next couple of days.  At first it was funny.  Then it was sad.  I couldn't help but poke fun.

- 22 June 2008

Butt Why?

One boy in the shower, check.  One boy doing his homework, check.  But what about boy number three and what's that flesh-colored streak dashing past the kitchen window?

Logan.

There he was, running around the back yard in his socks and t-shirt.  Only his socks and a t-shirt.

Wait a moment...the conversation is slowly coming back to me now.  It’s coming in waves.  Big, naked waves.

Flashback:

"Dad is it time to put on my swim suit yet?" he asked.

"No, Logan, not yet," I said.

Then the boy wondered off and that’s where the memory fades.  Oops.  What the neighbors must think.

- 2 May 2012

Piece and Quiet

My father's bedtime finally arrived and he was put down for the night.  The family had company over for a visit and my grandfather turned to his guests.

"Finally, some peace and quiet," he said.

From his room down the hall came a quiet little voice.

"I want a piece of quiet too."

- Circa 1946

Wilson

"Mom, who is Wilson?" Justin asked.

Indeed, we were all wondering the same thing.  Who and/or what is Wilson?  This question came about not because we've drawn a face on the family's volleyball but because Logan, who is three, has been going around the house calling for Wilson.

As I came to find out, Wilson is a ghost...that Logan found in the dark...that he encourages to scare his older brother, Ethan.  I don't know if that is sad or funny.  Maybe it is a little of both.

So far as I can tell, Wilson has not made a satisfactory employee.  This afternoon (12/04/2011) Logan kept asking Wilson if he had scared Ethan yet and then kept asking him "why not?!"

- 27 November 2011

Silent Treatment

Undoubtedly, you are well aware that the distractions and interruptions in my life are constant and varied.  As a result, I frequently miss entire conversations despite my seeming participation.  For example, my wife just told me this story which certainly answers a couple of questions I had about the family reunion.

At the reunion this summer, the boys shanghaied my mother-in-law's phone.  They set one of the alarms.  She was up every night at midnight hunting the house over because she thought is was the fire alarm.

On a recent trip to Pullman, the boys hijacked their grandmother's phone, again.  They silenced the ringer and, for more than a month, she couldn't figure out why people were leaving messages but not calling.

- 12 October 2012

Choose Your Words Wisely

Logan was lying on the bed, holding both of the guinea pigs on his tummy when I said something completely innocuous (because nothing I say is ever funny).

Logan began to giggle, rocking the piggies like a small boat in choppy seas.  I tried to get him to stop laughing, lest he launch the piggies right off the bed, but apparently asking him if he had farted was not how to do that.

- 8 November 2017

Time to Iron Your Birthday Suit

When we started out on our walk that morning I never imagined there would wind up being the potential for a conversation about the birds and the bees.  Justin was 11 and the two of us were in the habit of getting up early, before the rest of the family, and going for walks around the neighborhood.  We had a regular route that took us on a mile long loop.  For the most part, the walk was solitary except for an occasional jogger or early morning dog walker.

This morning, however, was different.  Rounding the last corner, on the final leg of our journey, we passed a row of houses, lining a creek opposite a thicket of forest.  It was 5:30 a.m. and the sky was still completely black.  Clearly, these residents were used to seclusion and many, if not most, left the blinds open allowing passersby to have an unimpeded view of every aspect of their home lives.

There, in the window of the nearest house, was a woman walking around.  All at one we had a deer-in-the-headlights moment and both of us suddenly stopped.  She was completely and utterly, totally naked.  Granted, this was her house and she had every right to do as she pleased but this woman was not exactly a super model.  Justin's mouth dropped open and I stood there blinking as she paraded around in the living room and into the kitchen for a glass of water.

Just then, it dawned on me that we had stopped in the middle of the dark street, so I picked up Justin's jaw off the ground and we quickly moved along.

"Oh, my gosh!  How will I survive?" he exclaimed, shaking his head as we walked towards home in silent disbelief.

You?  You're still young.  Meanwhile, I will never be able to go to another block party.

- 29 March 2012

The Well Organized Mind

Ashley was in the car with Ethan and George.  The boys were talking about grandfathers being in wars when, deep in the middle of the conversation, Ethan bursts out laughing.  Suddenly he starts talking about a Twinkie Car.  (Albeit funny, it’s doubtful that the Twinkie Car saw much action during the war!?)

“Dude, that's not even what we were talking about,” said George. 

Beam back to earth Ethan!

- 28 October 2011

Urban Dictionary

It was bath time and Logan was taking a shower.  Justin had decided that, despite the unoccupied status of the other bathroom, he wanted to use this bathroom.  Heckling ensued and it was on!  Justin, however, had failed to realize just one thing.  The more you heckle Logan, the longer he takes and Logan wasn't having any of it. 

“Be quiet you tool,” he shouted, from underneath the spray of water.

- 16 June 2017

Meatloaf

Logan and I had just piled into the car after I had gone to pick him up from school.  We fastened our seatbelts and headed for home.

“Dad, you know what we’re gonna make tonight?” Logan asked excitedly. 

“Meatloaf?” I asked, starting to formulate a dinner plan. 

“No!”

No?  Oh, that’s too bad, I really wanted meatloaf.  Well, then I got nothin’. 

“The thingy,” he said. 

I’m trying to get a clear picture of it but nothing is coming to mind. 

“The thingy?” I asked. 

“Yes,” he said, with exasperation, “you know, with the stuff.”

He was clearly upset that I was being so dense.  Though he was not aware of the fact, I already knew what thingy and what stuff.  I just get a kick out of messing with him.

"Well, if we use the stuff, that will be a mighty good thingy."

I tried no to smile.

All I could see in the rearview mirror was a glare.

- 21 November 2017

Speaking Ethan

I just had a fascinating conversation with my nine-year-old, Ethan.  He told me all about sandstorm Sandy (aka hurricane Sandy).  We discussed the sticky thing in his pocket (I still don’t know what it was).  He asked questions about having ADHD.  There was a serious talk about cute babies being cute, and I believe there were also some monkeys involved.

- 13 November 2012

Genealogical Research

Justin and his friend, Winston, are two very clever 11-year-old young men.  On this particular summer afternoon, they had no interest whatsoever in exercise and fresh air but seeking instead, the status of Ultimate Couch Potato.  Unfortunately, while they may be clever, they are not very stealth.

“Can you put in the code for the TV?” Justin asked.

We had activated the V-chip so as to get a handle on their screen time.

“No,” I said.

“Can you put in the code for the Wii?” he asked.

“No,” I repeated.

It's a beautiful afternoon, go outside and play.

“What's your mother's maiden name?” he asked, innocently.

“Nice try,” I replied, knowing that they wanted to bypass the security question and reset one of the passwords that I refused to part with.

“Can we go to the library?” he inquired.

“Yes!” I said, enthusiastically.

Finally, a decent suggestion.  Wait a second...

“You know what they're going there to do?” Ethan casually asked me, from his place on the couch.

You mean they're not going to innocently read books?

“No,” I admitted.

Apparently, their plan was to use a computer to visit ancestry.com.  They wanted to research my wife's mother's maiden name because that's the security question in case you forget the Wii password.

Try using your powers for good instead of evil.

- July 2012