Sometimes I Dream

"Mom, sometimes I dream that I'm Shark Boy and sometimes I dream that I'm Shark Boy but with my same hair."

- 7 February 2008

21st Century

"Momma!  I texin Gramma!"
(He's two.)

- 5 March 2011

Poor Jesus

"I feel bad for Jesus."

"Why?" I asked.

"Because we didn't go to church."

"Do you remember why we didn't go to church?" I inquired.

"Because Justin pushed me and we had to go to the emergency room.  Do you think we ruined His birthday?"

- 24 December 2008

Traumatic Colored Glasses

While on an early morning walk I mentioned to my oldest son that I would soon be wearing glasses.

"WHAT? You're going to get glasses? I don't want you to wear glasses!"

Umm, okay.

"Dad I don't want to look at you while you're wearing glasses."

Well, since the sight of my plain face is borderline traumatic I guess I'll know exactly what to do if I want you to go away...punk.  I assured him that I could still see well enough to aim a swift kick at his behind.

- 12 September 2011

Innovative

All three boys are in constant trouble for inturrupting conversations.  Indeed, it is difficult to string three words together in my house, let alone finish an entire thought or conversation.  As I attempted to relate an amusing annecdote to my wife, of which Ethan had been a part, I was once again inturrupted.  Ethan barged right in and picked up the story where he had cut me off, then paused, turned to me and said,

"Sorry Dad.  I didn't want you to have to do all the work."

All I could manage was, "thank you," and a chuckle.

- 6 March 2009

May I Push Your Buttons?

Justin and Ethan are typical siblings, always trying to get the other's dander up.  When all else fails, their go-to button-to-push is making fun of the other person's name.  Ever the helpful older brother, Justin offered this explanation for the 5-year-old tantrum that had just commenced.

"I think he's mad because you named him Ethan."

Did I laugh out loud?  A little.

- 26 July 2007

Suddenly There Came an Epiphany?

My youngest son, Logan, came home early yesterday after a fit of vomiting.  Consequently, he was unable to go to swimming lessons that evening.  There was a great deal of crying and carrying on at the idea of having to forgo his beloved swimming lesson but eventually he settled down.  With eyes full of tears he looked up at me and asked,

"Cam we go to swimming wessons on sex day?"

Ohhhhh boy.  My brain cramped as a thousand thoughts crowded to the front vying for position.  The winner?

"What?!" 

Well played, Andy...pure genius.  Let us dispense with the cumbersome questions and get right to the heart of the matter with this crack investigative strain.

"Cam we go to swimming wessons on sex day?" he repeated.
"Sex day?" I asked again.
"Um, yeah," he said.

Hmmm.  More brain cramping. 

Logan stood there staring at me patiently.  Meanwhile, my remaining thoughts began to riot and the conversation in my head deteriorated rapidly.  What could he mean?  Where is he learning this stuff?  What does he know?  What else does he know?  Are we getting our money's worth or should we be asking for a refund?  This is Tuesday...do you suppose he is talking about Wednesday?  And that's when Bevis and Butthead arrived. 

Heh, heh, he said 'sex day'...hump day...Wednesday...get it? 

I am not proud.

Suddenly there came an epiphany.

"Do you mean six day?" I asked hopefully.
"Yeah!" he nodded.

I opened my mouth to speak but nothing happened so I closed it again.  All at once I realized I had no idea what that meant either.  Pickle, pickle...it's like being involved in a real life three-year-old version of Choose Your Own Adventure.  The wrong response could land you on page 29 where you are murdered by a 50-foot slug or a man-eating toilet seat.  I am a college educated man who is rarely at a loss for words and I was not about to be undone by a preschooler. 

"Yes, we'll go on six day," I decided. 

That's right, watch the master at work.

"Okay," he said as he turned on his heal and hurried out of the room.

Sigh.  Now to find an aspirin and a Logan-to-English dictionary.  Didn't one of my other sons mention that he knew how to speak Human?

- 4 October 2011