Take a Leaf

Ashley to Justin, probably about homework.

“You could do with taking a leaf from Ethan's book.”

“I'm not going to write a book, it takes too long.”

But that's not what...oh, brother.  Where do I begin?

- 6 October 2017

Vending Machines

For one reason or another I found myself having to bring Ethan to work with me.  Fortunately, the bank branch where I work has an enormous lunch room in the basement, complete with a kitchen, couch and vending machines.  Ethan had come prepared with things to keep him occupied, so I left him with specific instructions related to movement and behavior and went back upstairs to work.  Keep in mind that this basement lunch room was used by the entire staff of this three-story building, not just the branch staff where I worked.  Many of the others would not know who Ethan was or why he was there.  I checked on Ethan periodically, each time reminding him not to bother people and each time he would ask, in vain, for quarters to use the vending machine.

A little while later my boss called me into her office.  She closed the door and sat down behind her desk.

“I have to tell you what Ethan did,” she said, in a very serious voice.

Oh my word.  My heart skipped a beat.  Well, it's been nice working with all of you.

Suddenly, the meeting took an unexpected turn.

She had come down to the lunch room to find Ethan, arms at his sides, leaning his head against the glass of the vending machine starring at its contents.  He let out a tremendous sigh.  Without looking up and in his most pathetic voice he said,

“I would ask you for a quarter but my dad says I'm not allowed to.”

- Circa 2010

Not Just for Shopping

The other day my wife came up to me and asked if I knew why there was a shopping cart in our backyard filled with branches.  That is odd, I admitted.  Where do other families keep their shopping carts?  I don’t want to be the only one doing it wrong.

I looked out the back window to see for myself and, sure enough, there was a Safeway shopping cart on the other side of the fence.  That seemed like a peculiar way to do the yard work.  We live two miles away from that particular grocery store and we have yard waste bins already on hand.

Today my wife discovered that Ethan and his friends found the cart at a local elementary school so, naturally, they brought it home and gave each other rides up and down the alley behind our house.  I still don’t know about the branches.

- 15 August 2017

My Wife's Lament

My wife flopped down on the bed next to me.  This is the point at which she had had enough.

"Weeding bites wind and so do cats.

And being a maid.

I have done nothing but clean up boy crap for five days and host sleepovers, which are very different than the ones I used to have.  These involve eating and drinking everything in the house, trying to sneak out, staying up all night watching video games, and not bathing for days.

It's going to take me years to get the boy smell out of my basement!

One kid's been here three days.  We may have accidentally adopted him. 

Okay two days, but it seems like more. 

I may also be exaggerating about the number of days I've been cleaning, but it sucks so I get an extra one."

- 10 April 2015

Fishy

Have you ever seen the show called American Dad?  Well, whether I like it or not, my eight-year-old son has.  (This is what comes from having older brothers and no control over the remote.)  Being eight limits your options and it also doesn't help that I like the show too - Logan didn't stand a chance.  As I sat in the dining room writing and watching the latest in a line of severe thunderstorms parade past the window, Logan sidled up to me and glanced up at the television.  I quickly reached for the remote, attempting to change the channel or turn it off.

“I don't like Claus' German accent,” he said, casually, trying to pass off his knowledge of the show as merely coincidental.

A hundred thoughts ran through my head.  I was glad his brothers were occupied elsewhere.  They would have been all over that comment with the inappropriateness of a camel in a brassiere.  Teenagers like to stir pots, did you know?

“Oh, really?” I asked, “Why?”

“It's just not natural for a fish,” he said, nodding.  Then he turned and left.

A hundred thoughts...but not that one.  That’s what bothers you?

It's just not natural for a fish that can talk, eh?

- 26 June 2017

Jesus?

“Dad, can I help set up the thing?” Logan asked. 

“The nativity set?” I said. 

“Yeah,” he said, tentatively. 

“Of course.  Why don’t I unpack everything and you can arrange them.”

Jesus?  Anyone seen Jesus?

- 3 December 2017

The Best Names

Ever wonder what it would be like if really horrible things had everyday names?  Me neither.  But, apparently Ethan does. 

At lunch one day, Ethan found himself starring at Logan’s chocolate milk. 

"What if ISIS was really called Nesquik?" Ethan asked the table at large. 

- 6 April 2015