15 Things I Never Said Before I Had Boys

1. Let go of your penis.
2. Don't point that gun at your mother.
3. Dude, let go of your penis.
4. Where are you clothes?
5. Seriously, let go of your penis.
6. Why are there Legos in the washing machine?
7. Where are all the couch cushions?
8. Why is your brother standing on the porch mooning us?
9. Yes, Mrs. Smith, I know they're naked.
10. Why is this door sticky?
11. Where are all of the matches?
12. Minecraft is my favorite video game too.
13. Please tell me that puddle I just stepped in was a melted ice cube.
14. The next person who pees standing up gets to clean the bathroom.
15. Be careful that you don't slam your penis in the screen door!

That's the Old Saying

I may be dumb but I'm not stupid - except on occasion.  Even though I knew this was a ruse, I somehow let myself be talked into coming all the way into the basement to get Logan a Go-gurt from the freezer.  Unfortunately, this was not the first time I had genuinely fallen for one of Logan's ploys and, dare I say, it wouldn't be the last.

"Logan, why did you do that to me?  You're perfectly capable of doing this yourself," I said, with a note of exasperation.

"Sometimes you have to trick your friends and family into doing things for you," he said.  "That's the old saying, right?"

Yeah, well here's another old saying for you, I thought, showing my favorite finger to the back of his departing head.

- 20 December 2016

Genealogy

A ride in the car is never a dull moment with any of my sons.

"Dad, am I part Chinese?" Logan asked out of nowhere.

"No.  You're English and Irish," I said.

"Is Mom part Chinese?" he asked.

*sigh*

"No."

"How come she doesn't speak Chinese?" he demanded.

She eats Chinese, does that count?

"Dude, she already speaks Boy, isn't that enough?" I asked, pointedly ending the conversation.

I could hear him muttering something about Chinese all the way down the street.

- 26 June 2017

Pretty

If you feel like you need some real insight into what it's like to raise a house full of boys, read this post that my wife sent me this morning.  I'd be appalled if it weren't actually true.  No wait, I'm still appalled.

My friend asked me what it was

like to live in a house full of boys

so I peed on her bathroom floor,

ate everything in her fridge, told

her 800 stories about Minecraft,

farted 20 times, and when she

was ready to kill me, I gave her a

hug and told her she was pretty.

- 4 April 2017

Revenge

"What's all the whining about?" my wife asked, as I came into the bedroom to escape the intense carping that was my son.

"Oh, his brothers were making fun of him," I said, "and now he's mad at me because I won't help him get revenge by waiting until they're asleep and writing, 'Captain Doo-doo Head' on their faces."

"I'm in!" she shouted.  "Pick me!  Pick me!"

- 5 May 2017

I’m Your MOTHER

I can just make out Beavis and Butthead chuckling in the background. 

- 4 May 2017

You Asked

My wife found this post that, quite frankly, sums it all up very nicely. 

My friend asked me what it was like living in a house full of boys.  So I proceeded to pee on her bathroom floor, eat everything in her fridge, tell her 800 stories about Minecraft, fart 20 times, and, when she was ready to kill me, I gave her a hug and told her she was pretty.

- 24 April 2017