Snips and Snails

My wife, Ashley, has always been a source of tremendous support and inspiration.  Destined to survive in these male surroundings where even the family pets can provide no solace, as they too are all boys, she finds the strength to carry on.  Long suffering though she may be, none of this would be possible without her.  Can you imagine?  I shudder to think.

Too often, I fail to properly convey, in type, what makes sense in my head.  As my editor, she helps save me from myself (in so many ways).  A few months ago, after reading Dear Library, she suggested that I write an ode to the mother of boys.

"That sounds like fun," I agreed.

"...but I want you to answer a few questions," she said.  "There are a few things I would like to know."

Fair enough.  After all, you, of anyone, are entitled to have a few of the mysteries revealed...shoot.  She proceeded to ask me 14 questions and I, in turn, agreed to attempt a composition that would address them all.  I was, and am, excited about the undertaking.  Even now, as I sit here reading and re-reading them, I chuckle to myself.  They do seem to address the very essence of what it is to be a boy.  All I can say is this - if you do not find my explanations satisfactory, keep one thing in mind, "snips and snails and puppy-dog tails; that's what little boys are made of."  This statement alone may, in fact, be the very answer to all of your questions and more.  We'll see.

The mysteries to be unraveled are:

• "Why do they always have to carry a stick?"
• "Why does dinner always involve farts?"
• "Why do we have to have more names for poop?"
• "Why is there a noise for everything?"
• "Why can't they stand still and be quiet?"
• "Why is everything always dirty?"
• "Why can't they play or eat without it looking like a bomb went off?"
• "Why do they solve all problems with violence?"
• "Why can't they attend a parade without heckling the participants?"
• "Why must they announce burps and farts?"
• "Why must all drawings contain a butt, fart, poop and/or monsters shooting each other?"
• "Why do they want to wear the same pair of underwear for days in a row?"
• "Why are clothing and showers considered optional?"
• "What is the obsession with Star Wars, Indiana Jones and Ghostbusters?"

Instead of writing one colossal ode, I have decided to write 14 smaller poems.  The style will be The English Ode with stanzas in ten lines each, a rhyming pattern...

Hello?

Okay, I lost you, didn't I?  Wow!  I didn't realize just how much of an English geek I really am.  I guess there's really just no way around it, is there?

I will publish each one as it is completed.  Wish me luck.